Occupation: Highly respected assistant manager of a very, very popular comic store.
Group Affilliation: I have chosen to grace the SBC with my wisdom.
Base of Operations: Florida
First Appearance: Nearly 40 years ago.
History: For more than seven years I have been an invaluable asset to the comic industry as a knowledgeable and talented assistant manager.
Powers and Weapons: Unlike so many other columnists and "professionals," I know the truth about comics. I will not waste your time with opinions, dear reader, I will give you only the facts.
As a comic reader and collector of more than thirty years and the assistant manager of a comic book store of very high repute, I have been privy to many racy comments regarding comic book characters. Add to the equation the fact that I am a red-blooded heterosexual man, and it should be very clear that I have made many observations regarding the baser instincts of male comic fans. My expertise in this area is without question.
Any man who has not fantasized about Wonder Woman is not a man. This is the truth!
A word of warning: unlike the usual all-ages fare that makes up my column, this week’s column contains several ribald statements, which may be inappropriate for my younger fans. Please take this into account and proceed accordingly.
As regular readers may know, I recently had a run-in with a femme-fatale known as Ms. Webster. Some of my more sensitive customers, noticed that I had not been my usual self and decided to take me out for a night on the town, so as to lift my spirits. These loyal customers, Juan, Jesse and Roy, told me that they would all pitch in for a limousine and take me somewhere, where I would soon forget about the buxom Ms. Webster. Our destination: a gentlemen’s club.
My mother was very impressed with the limousine when it pulled up late that evening at our home. I yelled at her to get back in the house before the guys could see her. As the fellows three, Juan, Jesse and Roy greeted me, at the door of the limo, I was suddenly struck by a heaviness of heart. On some alternate world, perhaps Earth 2, this may have been my bachelor party, as I would soon be betrothed to Ms. Webster. But no! I fought back the thought and the memory of that vixen.
After a bit of a drive, we arrived at the establishment, which will go unnamed save for the fact that the name of a precious metal was contained in the title of the club. Inside we were seated and served drinks. Being a chaste man, I was unfamiliar with the world of alcohol. Roy suggested a mysterious dark liquor, which I do not recall the exact name, except that in the loud club it sounded like Rummink Oak. It was more like Romulan Ale, in that after only one short glass with ice, my inhibitions fell away and my speech became slurred. I cut myself off after that one Rummink Oak and was glad that I did not have to drive myself home.
We four began talking of women as we watched the beautiful forms around us. Soon one of us, I believe it was Juan, recalled Joe Casey’s words from a Wizard Magazine interview, wherein he was asked what he would do with Superman’s powers and Casey responded to the effect, “Bang Wonder Woman all day long.” We all laughed in agreement at this, except for Roy, as we clinked our glasses in a toast of, “Joe Casey was right!”
Juan continued talking and said that he had often contemplated Reed Richard’s fortune in marrying the Invisible Girl, because, as Juan put it, “She could turn herself invisible, latch on, and then follow him around all day.” Again, without Roy joining us, we cheered with a, “Joe Casey was right!”
Jesse piped in with a comic fantasy he had contrived. He said that he was orally fixated and that he was a great lover of seafood, so for him, his comic dream score would be Marina. Again we raised our glasses to, “Joe Casey was right!” Roy, still quiet, sipped his drink and just looked at the dancers and then back at us.
Juan said that Wonder Woman was great, but that when it came to DC girls, he would take a “pie in the face” any day from Harley Quinn. Again, the three of us without Roy ended in agreement with, “Joe Casey was right!”
Inexplicably Roy started yelling at us. “Joe Casey was wrong!” he said. Roy, and I am paraphrasing here, said that Casey’s comments were inappropriate on so many levels. He said that firstly, Wizard bills itself as an all-ages magazine; was this the best place to run such a comment?
Roy then said that as an employee of DC Comics that kind of comment to the media was highly irresponsible and inappropriate. Then Roy said that lastly, what kind of a retard is Casey that he’s fantasizing about having sex with fictional characters? Roy looked at us and then pointed to the dozens of naked dancers around just a few feet away. “Look at where you guys are! Why are you talking about Marina, for God’s sake?!” Roy then told us that he would take a cab home and left.
The three of us were stunned. It took a second for us to get over Roy’s outburst and then Juan joked, “I guess he didn’t want to tell us about his Northstar fantasy.”
No thanks to Roy, the night went on and had its desired healing effect. I am sure that every manly comic fan reading this must agree with Juan, Jesse and I: Joe Casey was right!
The opinions expressed above are entirely the author's and do not represent those of Silver Bullet Comics, or any of its staff, or contributors.
