Occupation: Highly respected assistant manager of a very, very popular comic store.
Group Affilliation: I have chosen to grace the SBC with my wisdom.
Base of Operations: Florida
First Appearance: Nearly 40 years ago.
History: For more than seven years I have been an invaluable asset to the comic industry as a knowledgeable and talented assistant manager.
Powers and Weapons: Unlike so many other columnists and "professionals," I know the truth about comics. I will not waste your time with opinions, dear reader, I will give you only the facts.
For more than seven years I have been the assistant manager of Florida’s premier comic book store. As such, I have had the opportunity to interact with many people and have been able to observe their lives in a Watcher-like way. I have seen customers grow to maturity and take on relationships and even marry. To my nearly 40 year old world-savvy mind; The details of these observations have not been lost. It can be said with a great deal of security that I am an expert in the interplay between males and females.
Girls are terrified of intelligent men, let alone a genius like myself. This is the truth.
Readers of my column may remember that I recently wrote about an occasion where a striking woman came into my life. This meeting between myself and my former teacher, Ms. Webster seemed at first to have been arranged by Eros and Fortuna. We met again after all those years and clearly we were impressed with how we had grown. After a few words we made references to a future outing, perhaps for dinner.
A short while afterwards I started receiving hang-up calls to the store. I was certain that it was the bashful Ms Webster, calling and suddenly loosing the nerve to speak, because her emotions were so great when she heard my voice. I waited a number of days before calling her, so as to let her steady herself for the evening she must have surely waited her whole life for. I called her, expecting the beginning of a dream come true, instead I was confronted with…a nightmare.
Ms. Webster would not make firm plans for a date. I called her several times one evening and she would not make up her mind. That next morning when I called her, I was not fooled by her faint voice pretending to be the scratchy voice of someone who has been abruptly awakened. I asked her again the rest of that day, and she would not give me an answer. Not being completely unfamiliar with the male and female courting process, I had some flowers sent to her address. The flower shop called me and stated that delivery had been refused.
Confused I went directly to Ms. Webster’s home and waited for her at the doorstep with the flowers. She spoke to me through a crack in the door and through a metal screen. I asked her to come out with me. Ms. Webster said, no, and then I, thinking she was acting coy, demanded she let me in. I opened the screen door between myself and her. I could see that she had her handbag with her and that she had one hand inside it. That’s when I heard the words that made my heart sink.
“I have a weapon, and I’m not afraid to use it.”
I heard from Ms. Webster only one more time after that. I was so confused after hanging up with her. My mind raced with questions. “Would Jane reject Tarzan? Would Lois refuse Kal’s flowers? Would Jean have put a restraining order on Scott?”
That was when I turned to my vast intelligence for the answer. Using Occam's Razor I deftly solved this puzzle. Ms. Webster, like all girls, is threatened and horrified by an intelligent boy. This is the simplest and most likely, hence the true reason for Ms. Webster’s behavior.
I urge any other “Ms. Websters” out there to kindly do me a favor: next time you are attracted to a male with a superior mind, be prepared to reach inside yourself and face your own fears rather than reaching into your handbag for a can of mace.
The opinions expressed above are entirely the author's and do not represent those of Silver Bullet Comics, or any of its staff, or contributors.
