Falcon Presto. Alfonso Crept. Frances Ploot. Preston Falco. The four of them crack reporters in a cracked world. These people bring you the stories no one else dares to.
Presto - former Marvel employee, fired for knowing too much. Has a really big nose.
Crept - ex CIA agent and bullshit world record holder. Picks at his feet.
Ploot - sophisticated, buxom, an arse to kill for and an ability that we can only talk about on www.sexmeupbaby.com.
Falco - one of the other three writing under a bad pseudonym.
These are Spoof Central - be afraid or just piss off!
This week Spoof Central takes a big farty look at the new convention season and the massif announcements made by those people who really deserve to work in factories rather than the thoroughly exciting comics industry.
But first a word from our sponsors:
DIAMOND SHOPPING LIST: 15th August 03
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Small Distribution Company (if none left, publisher will do) NB: pick up Nico's suit from cleaners
WIZZERWORLD HIGHLIGHTS with Fran O'Coplest
THE HORROR! THE HORROR! Carnage ruled at Saturday's traditional Cup O'Joe panel as Marvel EIC and all-round guy Joey Da Q took the event's title literally and offered each guest a small container full of his own bodily fluids. Attendee Henman Scopefit of Dooooooooom, TX, told SC: 'At first we all thought they were medicine cups with a tiny sip of Kool Aid, but then somebody realised it was Joey pee-pee. Most Marveloids drank it anyway, and one rubbed it into his nipples. Then we saw he'd run out of bladderjuice and was using sweat dabbed from his undercrack and squeezed out of the back issue of Darkhawk he'd mopped it with, and then... and then...'
Scopefit was unable to continue, on account of being slapped around his pasty girlish jaw. Redland Mok, an attendee from Claa, MI, gave SC the lowdown on what happened next: 'Joey stood on stage and turned his back to us, and before we knew it he'd turned round and was pelting us with semen. I think it was Brian Bendis'.'
Da Q later compounded this behaviour by eating a janitor. 'He smelled of veal' claimed the creative drive behind Marvel, in mitigation. None of this behaviour upset the fans, though, as much as Da Q's announcement that as of this fall, Spider-Man alter-ego Peter Parker will 'be eight. Got that? He ain't gonna age past eight years old. Now quit yer bawlin' and get used to it, ya mooks'.
AT ANOTHER PLACE Meanwhile, over at the DC Universe panel, DC announced that all of their titles will in future be revamped every three issues. 'Yep, I reckon that's just about right' responded DC Veep Bob Keenan Wayons when questioned. 'In today's accelerated society, we just don't see why fans should have to wait ten years or more to see new versions of their favourite character properties. So now we'll be running Howhard Chaychin's new Challengers Of The Difficult starting in Septover, then come issue four we'll just throw that shit out and start again with new characters and new creative teams, each of which must, by company law, contain one person you have never ever heard of and one person with six toes.' Wayons was then forcibly shaved by a passing team of guerilla medics and revealed to be previously-presumed-dead rapper Tupac Shapur. Wayons reacted by demanding to be known in future as Liza.
Over at the Superpanel, plans were announced for the future of the publisher's flagship character. New writer on flagship book Superman, Brian Azzeristi, declared boldly: 'He's Superman! You don't fuck with Superman! He's fucking sacrosanct!' Editor Eddie Bighandsa then leaned over and whispered something in Azzericci's shell-like, after which exchange the skinny fella's tune changed. 'Yeah, Supes is gon' be different, yo homeboy. He's gonna wear this big Hawaiian shirt, an' cool mofo shades an' dope, an' he gon' say "Bitch" an' "Poo" an' all that shit.' This was undercut slightly by Azzerolli's wearing of a pastel pink linen shirt which was three sizes too big and which made him look frankly a bit gay.
Big announcements also at the Vertigo gabfest, as long-serving Executive Editrix Karen Berghoff was given a set of matching luggage by newly-promoted Group Editrix Shelley Booned, who then pointed out the big rectangular aperture in the wall. New projects in the pipeline from Verty include Sugar & Spike by Brian Azzerello and Eduardo Risso, Teen Titans by Brian Azzerello and Eduardo Risso, Hawkman by Brian Azzerello and Eduardo Risso and Action Comics by Brian Azzerello and Eduardo Risso. When an audience member pointed out that all but one of these were already-existing books, Berghoff replied 'So? We're cutting edge, bastard. Don't you forget it. These are classic characters with a Vertigone twist, just like we've done for the last ten years on the cutting edge. I know where you live, you cutting edge.' Andy Diggle was then brought on in chains and beaten to death with copies of Lady Constantine, live on stage. The event drew Wizzerworld's largest crowd to date; Diggle was immediately signed to a ten-year exclusive contract.
Spoof Central is sponsored by Steve Geppi's Y-fronts - the ones with the yellowing stains at the front and the decidedly stinky smell of cheese.
Preston Falco who wrote this column under a pseudonym is concerned at the lack of mentions of his penis on the Ministry of Steak and urges you bunch of comic reading pansies to either go and make the forum the most talked about place since Warren Ellis's hernia operation or he will come round and spunk in your dinners.
We need name for the Spoofer's Message Board. Make your suggestions at Spoof Central HQ.
