The Complete History Of Boredline - Part Eleven Extortion And The Sex Scandal

By Alfonso Crept

In the concluding part of our megatastic, unfragginbelievable, completely made-up, interview with the four men and friendly Jack Russell terrier called Steve who made BOREDLINE possible, SPOOF CENTRAL's Alfonso Crept uses his powers of persuasion to coax the most sordid details yet about the magazine with more balls than a many balled thing...

For the first time in this seven hour ordeal I was in a room with all the main BOREDLINE protagonists - Bill Wall, world famous editor and pitbull terrier; Spike Goatboy, assistant editor and comics bore; Morty Sheep, the fat slightly balding publisher and Gay Eel, the underwater newsboy. Steve was padding about at the back of the room looking for a leg up.

SC: You managed to con the comics community out of over $100,000 during your wonderful Save Our Boredline scam. What did you do with the money?

BW: The story we put out was that if I didn't eat soon I'd die, but the truth is Boredline was being secretly funded by the Brazilian government and the four of us were all living in very plush mansions on the French Riviera. Unfortunately Richie Johnstone found out about this and exposed one of us in front of a local nun resulting in a 200franc fine and us being deported. For some reason the French love Richie Johnstone almost as much as Jerry Lewis. We used the $100,000 to further enhance our drug-taking careers, Morty, here, was up to two grams of cocaine a day, one for each nostril. And that kind of nose candy is seriously damaging to the old, eh, bank account.

MS: Yeah.

SG: Morty avoided giving any of any money, apart from Bill, who he said needed it or he would die of starvation. Bill's a thin guy and we were all pretty much convinced the truth was being told. I could have really done with some new support stockings for my varicose veins, but the budget only stretched to food for Bill.

GE: I put in a chit for the complete Blake's Seven DVD set, explaining that if I didn't have it I'd probably end up having some kind of fit or seisure. I even produced a note from my doctor stating if I didn't get my B7 fix soon enough I'd probably die.

BW: We all hoped he would die, but the bastard didn't and we ended up comprimising and buying him one of those bath ducks that quack when they get wet.

SC: Were you satisfied with that?

GE: Satisfied with what?

SC: One of those bath ducks that quack when they get wet?

GE: What about them?

SC: Moving on... Bill Wall, so far you've accounted for less than $200 of the $1,000,000 in donations given to you by the comics industry. I believe Marvel Comics donated best part of a quarter of a million dollars?

BW: No. When we asked Marvel if they wanted to donate something to a magazine that we have continually grawled up its collective arse and made cooing noises at Bill Jemas' G spot, the response was simple. Joey Q said, "Fuck off!" and Billy J asked me if I swallowed.

SG: I'd like to say that I'm still waiting for an invoice for a bottle of chocolate milk I bought last week.

MS: That's nothing, I paid for Bill to go the Patagonia on an entomological survey and he still hasn't returned.

GE: Yes he has, he's sitting right there.

MS: Oh, sorry. Wrong Bill.

SC: So Marvel didn't actually give you anything?

MS: Angina.

GE: Sprouts.

SC: Two of the most controversial incidents in the last two years have been the following: 1) The argument with Mark 'Barking' Waid; 2) The argument with Warren Ellis-Bextor; and of course 3) the mass orgies held fortnightly at Bill's palatial mansion. Have any of you got anything to say about these events?

BW: Iddiekay iddlerfay, that's all I've got to say about Waid. Ellis-Bextor is stinky piece of female genitalia and I just absolutely loved all of the sex. I'm over 40 you know.

SG: I'd like to clarify Bill's points. Mr Waid is a knob. Never in my 200 years of reading girl's comics have I stumbled over such a hateful spiteful and beligerrant dipstick. I think he's munbelievably talented though and should be writing Belgian comics.

GE: I love them. I want to have squishy bottom sex with all of them.

MS: That's sick! You know I wanted that first.

SC: It was the sex scandal that really finished you guys off though, wasn't it?

BW: I couldn't move. My private parts - hardly private any more after the pictures that appeared in the Comics Journal - ached for days. I don't know how Dez arranged it but over twenty 16 to 19 year old slappers with their own photographers and they all made a b-line for my crotch.

GE: It was horrible, all those writhing bodies, desperately trying to get the money shot. The girls looked like they were enjoying themselves.

MS: I asked a couple of them if they'd like to read Usenet with me.

SG: I wasn't there, I joined in via broadband.

SC: Are you claiming Dez Skinn set up this downfall?

BW: Not at all. Yeah he supplied the girls, but I don't think he knew about the press or the drug squad's presence.

SC: But you and the former wunderkid of British comics are sworn, deadly enemies aren't you?

BW: Where'd you hear that? It was a scam. Dez has been secretly financing BOREDLINE via a Sao Paolo bank account and using a very Portuguese sounding name - Dezimondo Skinnaldo. We all love him.

SC: But, there were scathing attacks on him just about everywhere? I even saw one in the Frinton Gazette.

SG: I'll field this one. The Frinton Gazette is a rag - a scandal sheet, nothing more than exploitative nonsense.

SC: OK. So, BOREDLINE has been secretly financed by Dez Skinn posing as a Brazilian businessman?

BW: No? Where on earth did you get that idea?

SC: What is the future of BOREDLINE now?

STEVE: Rough...

BW: We've got a series of bi-annual specials coming out. One soon, the next one in 2005 and the third in 2007. Because BOREDLINE is now downloaded by two-thirds of the population of the world we only have to do issues when we run out of drugs and as Gay Eel is about to be crowned king of Colombia... We're also bringing out a series of lithographs of Colleen Doran taking a dump. We've commissioned Alex Ross to do the paintings and the series of five will be from every conceivable angle. We're then releasing 'The Art of Dirty Sex' by Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti, in which Jimmy and Mandy show us some of the lurid positions New Yorkers get into when trying to reach multiple orgasms. I've got all the photo reference shots and Ebay beckons.

Then in 2009 we intend to run for the Presidency of the world.

SC: Are you aware, Mr Wall, that you sometimes start sentences and never finish them.

GE: I tell him about that all the time.

SG: That's why I edit him.

BW: I...

SC: BOREDLINE and specifically its editor has been involved in enormous amounts of controversy, mainly the well publicised public arguments with people who are better than you and of course the hardcore pornography featured in the magazine that has even made Gary Groth and Kim Thompson cringe. People accused you of cashing in and using the forum of comics magazines to shock and basically make money. Some believe the social implications of the now famous X-rated BOREDLINE could be far-reaching. Is there a follow up planned?

BW: Yes.

SC: Finally, BOREDLINE isn't dead is it, despite lying quivering from lack of blood in the corner. You've got a new issue coming out, produced entirely by Steve, for some website haven't you? [All four nod furiously] What's the issue like?

Steve: Rough.

SC: My mate's got a concept comic book coming out made from skidmarks, would you be interested in covering the story.

Steve: Rough.

SC: Are you doing anything after these jokers have gone?

Steve: [whining in a sexually provacative way] rough.



Next week: Olive from On The Buses. Why Morty Sheep hardly speaks any more. Why the Fenn Street Gang wasn't as good as Please Sir. Captain America on the pleasures of masturbation and remember... mentally deficient dwarfs... they're not big and they're not clever!