The Return Of The War On Usenet 2: The Flying Killers From the Planet Spoo
By Preston Falco
Or: We still hate Usenet so here's another sideswipe at the humourless bastiches!
Preston Falco, scourge of the saddest of bastards known to man, was charged with uncovering the seedier side of the Internet. The Internet - a place that is a haven for paedophiles, perverts, stalkers, lonely, sad and depressed individials and, of course, comics fans.
Comics fans have loved the Internet like no others and over the last 15 years there hasn't been one area of the net that hasn't succumbed to its cloying embrace. Almost inpenetrable areas of the net have been infiltrated, indoctrinated and metaphorically raped and pillaged by comics fans. It is believed that the idea of the computer virus was first thought up by a bored scientist watching convention attendees at the San Diego Comics Convention and Star Trek writers admit the Borg were created from what Majel Barrett claimed were Gene Roddenberry's two least favourite things: Goths and comics fans.
However, in the last few years there have been some distressing tales emmanating from the information super highway. Comics fans have been increasingly 'hanging out' on Internet chatrooms and, worse still, have been posing as normal human beings; even coercing young children into their seedy dens of iniquity. Chat room topics seen on an average week day night included: Who's got the biggest member - JLA or the Avengers? Mr Fantastic and the Invisible Girl - the world's greatest game of hide the sausage? and Mary-Jane: you would, wouldn't you? It isn't just Internet chat rooms that have these suggestive possibilities; there are over 170,000 different groups or forums, such as Google, Yahoo, Topica and MSN, and of those 170,000 groups over 60% of them are comics related (the other lists mainly being Sci Fi, country and western dancing and how to sell unwanted children into slave labour groups). The 100,000 or so comics related websites cater to the 100,000 or so comics fans believed to exist in the USA and UK. Each of these 'comics geeks' as they are known possess their own homepage, chat forum, and Yahoogroup and they just invite all the other owners of other groups into each others group. Comics fans feel this gives their world both a feeling of a shared universe and some genuine 'real-time' continuity.
The growing comics fan problem came to a head recently in a small town near Augusta, Georgia. 13 year-old Craig-Beth Gudolboy not only struck up a friendship with 38-year-old comics geek Dwayne Aubergine, but he agreed to meet the lonely bachelor at their local comics store - unaware of the potential danger he was placing himself in. Aubergine is not only a comic fan but a collector of German war memorabilia, and a former schoolteacher of his said, "had he been born 30 years earlier he would probably have been a communist. He's a freak! A freak I tells you."
Craig-Beth's parents Craig and Beth Gudolboy suspected their child had become involved in something sinister as he began spending more and more time either locked in his bedroom on the computer or locked in the outside lavatory with a stack of his father's Penthouse magazines. The distraught parents contacted local law enforcement agencies and "Operation Dirty Fokker" was initiated. When Craig-Beth entered the comics shop - The Magic Tunnel - he was unaware that two SWAT and a crack hostage negotiation team were ready in case something went wrong. Fortunately for everyone Aubergine gave himself up as soon as he saw the police walk through the door. The bespectacled man with died black hair and downy facial hair and ginger eyebrows sank to the floor sobbing, "but he could become one of us, don't do this, there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing." However with Craig-Beth safely back with its parents the situation turned ugly. This following extract was lifted from Patrolman Steve Dull's report: "I saw him reach for his weapon, he quickly jerked his hand towards the front of his trousers and I'm sure I saw his weapon. I just pulled the trigger. I really didn't expect his head to explode the way it did."
Mr Aubergine had a urinary infection that meant his infected penis occasionally stuck to the inside of his underwear, which meant he was continually having to adjust himself. It's believed Officer Dull fired after seeing a Green Lantern keyfob.
Regardless of this pointless, yet almost amusing, death it doesn't escape the fact that most comics fans are predatory individuals who act alone, yet love getting together and exchanging anecdotes rather than bodily fluids. Recently a Norwegian journalist, posing as a comics fan, infiltrated a convention in the UK and tried to discover that one of the main subjects discussed by these freaks is how to recruit more youngsters into their throng. However what he found was far more sinister...
We now reproduce two shocking examples of how far this practice has got. The first is a transcript from a chat room, while the latter is from what is believed to be one of the worst examples of comics 'areas' known to authorities - Usenet.
In this first example this reporter is using the handle "Phat_Bastard".
**Welcome! You have logged into Panelology Today, the Internet's premier comics discussion site. Please do not post URLs. Do not swear. Please stay on topic. Enjoy!**
Diana_69: Steve will you STOP doing that?
Jonn_jonzz: Hey Diana wanna PM me?
Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo: Diana will you stop SHOUTING :-)
Diana_69: screw you Jonn.
Diana_69: screw you too mo_fo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jonn-Jonzz: Diana U wanna PM me?
I_love_Mary_Jane: Hey dude, who wants a beer?
Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo: Jonzz stop SHOTING
Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo: SHOUTING
Diana_69: SHOTING What's that mean :-p
I_love_Mary_Jane: Hey dude, who wants a beer?
Jonn-Jonzz: I wasn't shouting.
I_love_Mary_Jane: Hey dude, who wants a beer?
Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo: You said pm really loudly.
Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo: Fuck off MJ
MODERATOR: LANGUAGE VIOLATION! Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo YOU ARE WARNED. SWEAR AGAIN AND YOU WILL BE SUSPENDED FOR 10 MINUTES. VIOLATE THE RULES AGAIN AND YOU WILL BE BANNED FOR TWO WEEKS.
Diana_69: That's a bit unfair mod.
Bruce-Wayne-mo_fo: its a computer program Di. Wanna pm me?
Phat_Bastard: Does anyone here want to talk about comics?
[the sound of tumbleweed sweeping majestically across the desert]
Phat_Bastard: Hello?
Phat_Bastard: This is the premier comics chat place, right?
Phat_Bastard: FUCKING HELLO?
This second example is from Usenet's most popular group: rec.arts.comics.misanthropist. The Norwegian reporter is again using the false ID of Phat_Bastard, other participants have had their names and email addresses obscured.
From: Danny Sickbag (sickbag@hotmail.com)
Subject: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2002-07-05 21:48:23 PST
If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
and why?
(Aside from Sue Storm, that is.)
Message 2 in thread
From: Graeme D. Skinn (graeme@sodoff.cuntz.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2004-10-05 22:11:46 PST
"Danny Sickbag" (sickbag@hotmail.com) wrote in message:
> If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
> and why?
>
> (Aside from Sue Storm, that is.)
Wonder Woman, I mean up until recently she was a virgin and my mom always said that I should only sleep with virgins because the other girls all have AIDS.
Graeme
--
http://members.slaughterhouseporn/graeme
"Cut myself this morning. I sliced my wrists and
watched the life force seep out of me." -
(probably) Marilyn Manson
Message 3 in thread
From: Intro Vole (intro-vole@buckets.co.uk)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 05:20:56 PST
On Thu, 06 Feb 2003 16:13:57 +1000, "Graeme Skinn"
wrote:
> Wonder Woman, I mean up until recently she was
> a virgin and my mom always said that I should only
> sleep with virgins because the other girls all have AIDS.
Surely the whole point of sleeping with virgins is to make them bleed?
--
"We know there's fewer more distressing sights than that of a small
child being abused by its parents. We have some great videos"
http://intro-vole.buckets.net/sick&vicious.htm
Message 4 in thread
From: Graeme (graeme@sodoff.cuntz.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 15:35:55 PST
"Intro Vole" wrote in message
> > Wonder Woman, I mean up until recently she was
> > a virgin and my mom always said that I should only
> > sleep with virgins because the other girls all have AIDS.
>
> Surely the whole point of sleeping with virgins is to make them bleed?
It doesn't matter how virginal or sheltered a girl is all most of us want to
do is get a good woman who will cook and clean for us, not expect too much of us,
will take an interest in comics and Babylon 5 and Star Trek and any blockbuster
movie that cost more than 50 bucks to make. We also want our virgins to drop to
their knees on a whim. We like our blowjobs spontaneous.
We want our women to do the masturbating for us while we sit on line looking at
hentai and free porn sites.
Not all of us are just sick. I might want all of the above but I also want a
woman that isn't a dog, but I do want a woman that will take it like a dog and
doesn't mind me calling her 'Scotty' while making remarks about forward and aft
thrusters.
Thank you for helping me maintain the rage :) I'd almost forgotten how intensely
I loathed women.
Graeme
--
http://members.slaughterhouseporn/graeme
"Cut myself this morning. I sliced my wrists and
watched the life force seep out of me." -
(probably) Marilyn Manson
Message 5 in thread
From: Juicy Vision (juicy_vision@hotmail.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 07:33:15 PST
"Graeme Skinn" wrote in message
> "Danny Sickbag" wrote in message
> > If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
> > and why?
> >
> > (Aside from Sue Storm, that is.)
>
> Wonder Woman, I mean up until recently she was
> a virgin and my mom always said that I should only
> sleep with virgins because the other girls all have AIDS.
I second Wonder Woman! Not because of what I've
read, but because she's so big in the US. I *would* like to
fuck her, though. :-)
- Juicy
Message 6 in thread
From: Norman Fugennelpadepong (tweat@corfu.net)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 11:45:20 PST
Danny Sickbag wrote:
>If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
>and why?
>
Sue Storm...
>
>(Aside from Sue Storm, that is.)
>
>
Damn. I got nothin' then. Sorry.
--
My name is misspelled.
Message 7 in thread
From: Keefer Sutherland (slurry@vaginar.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 21:22:40 PST
> If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
> and why?
Jerry Siegel. Wouldn't you like to fuck the man who created Superman?.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
---
Keefer Sutherland http://www.vaginalslurry.net/
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Writing and sex are only fun for children."
-
GaryGlitter
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Message 8 in thread
From: George Clooney (clooney@george.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-07 08:55:01 PST
on 2/7/03 12:22 AM, Keefer Sutherland at slurry@vaginar.com wrote:
>> If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
>> and why?
>
> Jerry Siegel. Wouldn't you like to fuck the man who created Superman?.
You can't fairly include Siegel or Shuster for that matter. They aren't
comics characters and this is a specifically for comics CHARACTERS so you
are not allowed to include comics creators and that includes Colleen Doran
and Amanda Conner - you can include these two - they are not comics characters
and Doran Girl and Conner Woman are not eligible either.
--
Shit, Piss, Kill Al Qaeda
George Clooney - NOT!
Message 9 in thread
From: Kevin Jim Smith (kjs@viewaskewed.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-09 20:52:56 PST
On Fri, 07 Feb 2003 11:54:27 -0500, George Clooney
wrote:
>on 2/7/03 12:22 AM, Keefer Sutherland at slurry@vagina.com wrote:
>
>>> If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
>>> and why?
>>
>> Jerry Siegel. His creation ensured comics would be thought of as
>> exclusively a children's medium for almost the next 50 years.
>
> You can't fairly include Siegel or Shuster for that matter. They aren't
> comics characters and this is a specifically for comics CHARACTERS
> so you are not allowed to include comics creators and that includes
> Colleen Doran and Amanda Conner - you can include these two - they
> are not comics characters and Doran Girl and Conner Woman are not
> eligible either.
And, I think you should clarify whether this is just superhuman women or
normal powered women who are supporting cast members. I mean I'd personally
love to have a threeway with MJ and Lois Lane and it would be nice if Kitty
Pryde and Wonder Girl were on hand for a little bit of fantasy poon tang!
--
Kevin Jim Smith | kjs@viewaskewed.com
"Hate is good. Hate me with your hate spunk."--Ben Affleckted
Message 10 in thread
From: Bobo Bumchum (bumchum@gayboycomix.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 23:26:26 PST
Danny Sickbag wrote in message
> If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
> and why?
>
> (Aside from Sue Storm, that is.)
Surprisingly few, actually. I mean, these are comics characters and
therefore you either read it with your left hand while pleasuring yourself
with your right and run the risk of getting wank stains on your favourite
comics. I think all of you ort to act your ages!
Bobo Bumchum
Message 11 in thread
From: Bobo Bumchum (bumchum@gayboycomix.com)
Subject: Re: Who'd you shag?
Newsgroups: rec.arts.comics.misc
Date: 2003-02-06 23:26:26 PST
Danny Sickbag wrote in message
> If you could shag one comics character from history, who would it be,
> and why?
>
> (Aside from Sue Storm, that is.)
>I think all of you ort to act your ages!
Tee Hee. You spelled 'ought' wrong. You're a idiot.
***
Incontrovertable proof that these people are not the kind of people you'd leave your children with while you were out clubbing. Would you really want your child hanging around places like that? Or with people like this? I think not. And new research conducted since this article began has suggested that less and less youngsters are now hanging around these places, not because of the content or the stigma attached, but because they think comics are as sad as the stereotyped people who read them.
This is Preston Falco locked in a toilet with a photo album of Colleen Doran when she was at college.
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