Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“You can tell I’m married now; I’ve mentioned pornography two weeks in a row!” --me
PRE-MATCH HYPE
Did you forget about the web strip that spun out of this column? I know you did because there’s more of you reading this than that? I mean, come on. This is like 2,000 words long and a comic strip has, what, like 40 words or something. And you call yourself comic fans? You’d rather read Moby Dick (only with far less quality) than Youngblood (only with far more quality). Okay, that’s a bad comparison, but come on people! RWPTv2 (click here to bask in the glory that is me!) is the shiznit! And I know shiznit. I was hanging with Snoop Dogg the other day down at Hef’s manstion; you know snuggling between a couple of Playmate of the Year honeys and he was all “fo’ shizzle,” and I was all “you know it, Dogg!” I didn’t even care that Hef was only willing to part with the Playmates of the Years for 1958 and 1963, with all that silicone and facial reconstruction they just looked like slightly used and abused Barbie dolls…
that had been baked in the oven for about twenty minutes…
Okay, so they looked like Joan Rivers on a bad day, but beggars can’t be choosers. I was hanging with Hef, man! Well, I didn’t actually see Hef… They said he was out of the country, but I was still hanging at his pad. Well, they said it was the Playboy Mansion. It actually looked like a double-wide, and I didn’t know it was in Northern Arkansas, but there were tons of Playboy magazines around, so I’ll take it. I still can’t explain that unmentionable itch in my unmentionable places…
No, I won’t. It’s unmentionable for a reason.
ROUND 1
James Taddeo is taking another crack at a collapsed comics company. After Disney outbid him for CrossGen Entertainment (they wanted Abadazad and Meridian probably don’t’cha’no’) he’s set his sights on the former Valiant Empire. Remember Valiant. Home of such classics as Eternal Warrior, Archer and Armstrong, X-O Manowar and Solar, Magnus and Turok (these last three are not part of the deal as Valiant had been licensing them from Western Publishing and now they’ve been licensed to Dark Horse (for reprints) and iBooks (for new stuff (at least Magnus has new stuff coming out, thus far (though there may be more coming down the pike (and I won’t swear that iBooks has the licenses for Turok or Solar (damn, this might be a new parenthetical record (there should be an award for this kind of stuff, dammit!)))))). Some genius is never appreciated. Like the genius of my high school janitor. That guy was able to keep no less than seven mens’ restrooms clean night after night. With at least five urinals per bathroom this is no mean feat!
I wish him the best of luck on this, because the only known property he’s got to work with is the basic concept for CrossGen’s reviled American Power property that was announced, denounced and trounced and then outright canceled (albeit shortly before the entire company was effectively canceled).
And if he picks up Quantum and Woody, he needs to return Priest and Bright to it right away. This is one of the most brilliant comic book properties of the last ten years and one of the few bright spots in the twilight years of the fading Valiant/Acclaim empire. Plus, you gotta figure it’s just a matter of time before low sales drive any of Priest’s current superhero titles to the chopping block. Personally, I think it’s because he’s too smart for most comics fans. Not enough smashing and posturing and fighting. You know, classic dialogue like “Prepare to face your doom!: and “I’ve been waiting for this day for years!” and “Now, I will destroy you!” Dude has every bit as much talent and quality as Bendis but gets nowhere near the opportunity to shine. Honestly, I’ve no idea what the problem is. Do you? If so, tell me on my message board. No, seriously… I’ve got a message board. The link’s right there at the bottom.
ROUND 2
With all the message board hacking going on at Millarworld and the Bendis board and even Image Comics board, you’ll always be safe at the Punches Forum. After all, nobody gives a rat’s ass about me. Drop by. Tell me why I’m great, or if you’d rather, tell me how you think I’m not great and I’ll explain to you how you’re wrong about that. Really. You are. Rob Liefeld loves this column! Told me so in person. And if Rob loves it, then you know you do, too. Because you are collectlvey Rob’s bitch. Rag on him all you want, but who made X-Force a top seller? Rob didn’t. You did! That’s right, he owns you. You bitch and bitch about how he sucks and his art sucks and he can’t put anything out and he’s got no talent and then you catapult everything he does to the upper echelons of the charts. You have created your monster, so now you must tend to him.
And he told me the next issue of those seventeen Youngblood minis is coming real soon. Seriously. Just as soon as he finishes Halo 2… and Doom 3… and Resident Evil 4… and that new Zelda game looks killer… and he’s got a vicious Pokemon deck. You wanna take him on? I tried, but dude smashed my ass! Of course, I was playing with an eight year old deck of Magic: the Gathering cards…
I actually found out that he and Todd McFarlane are all wrapped up in a Half-Life tournament and that’s why Todd hasn’t finished his part of the Image 10th (11th (12th (13th (14th (uh… (20th?)))))) Anniversary hardcover. See, all can be laid at the feet of the Liefeld. Speculation? Rob’s fault. Variant holofoil covers? Rob’s fault. Byrne losing his sanity? Rob. Micah lying. Rob. Jemas. Okay, that wasn’t Rob’s fault but U-DECIDE? That was all Rob.
The bastard. Does his evil know no bounds!
ROUND 3
Red Sonja #0 sold over 200,000 copies, which just goes to show you that a non-Marvel/DC book can sell well. Dynamite Entertainment is understandably pleased, and will continue to be so until they see the numbers for the first full-priced issue. See, all you need to do to sell nearly TWICE as many copies as the top-selling book is price your book at 1/5th it’s price! A small price to pay (natch) for not having an X in your title or Jim Lee drawing your book. And who says this is a two publisher system!
Now, if we could just find a way to make a twenty-five cent book profitable we’d be on to something here…
ROUND 4
Did you hear they’re making a City of Heroes role-playing game? Yeah the top-selling MMORPG (massively multiplayer online role-playing game) that lets you make Marvel (*ahem*), I mean generic super-heroes is coming to a tabletop near you. Does this mean that the gamer geeks are going to become superhero geeks, too… and vice-versa? Will these two worlds collide?
Who has more body odor? Who’s been living in their mother’s basement the longest? Who skips more food for their habit? Hygiene? An advantage of this is that now hot chicks will only have one group to avoid like the bubonic plague.
In related news, Marvel took a beating by having fully half their case thrown out against the makers of City of Heroes. Remember that Marvel is suing them because your mom could log onto the game and create a character that vaguely resembled Speedball if she wanted to. This frees up their lawyers to find a way to police and sue these new publishers for allowing the role-playing gamers to create characters that resemble Nova. And since RPGs are based more on imagination than pre-existing skins, this could be harder to prove in court.
Prosecuting Attorney: Mr. Candtgitlayde, is this your character sheet for a character of your own creation named “Spyder-Mon?”
Witness: Y-yes.
PA: And you created this character within the rules and parameters set forth by the City of Heroes role-playing game.
Witness: Yes.
PA: Don’t you think it’s a pretty blatant violation of my client’s copyright to have this character that is—who is exactly like Spider-Man, a character wholly owned and copyrighted by my client [*muttering* Ditko and Lee can go f*** themselves], Marvel Enterprises Entertainment Unlimited International Corporation Incorporated, LLC?
W: No, he isn’t.
PA: Yes, he is. Of course, he is. Anyone can see that these two characters are virtually identical. He looks and acts exactly like Spider-Man. He climbs on walls, just like Spider-Man. He swings on a webbing just like—I mean, come on Mr. Candtgitlayde, are you trying to tell this court that your character here is nothing like my client’s copyrighted and protected franchise character?
W: In my head, he doesn’t look anything like him at all.
PA: Well from reading this, and I’ve read it multiple times, I might add… in my head, he looks exactly like Spider-Man. He might as well be Spider-Man!
Defense Attorney: Your honor, it would appear that my esteemed colleague is himself violating his client’s copyrights by picturing their copyrighted intellectual property in his head and should be removed from this case, and possibly charged and tried for the very crimes he is purporting my clients to have committed.
Judge: Yes, I’ll have to agree with this. Bailiff, arrest this man.
K.O.
j/h
disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.
