In Which Pornography Teaches Us A Valuable Lesson

By By J Hues

“Playboy should test market a version of the magazine that only features the articles, to see how many of us are really reading it for them.”
--me


PRE-MATCH HYPE

Did you like the old logo better? How about the first one from years ago? Yeah, well tough. We took a week off and came back with some spruced up digs, eh. And I bought me some respect while I was at it. That’s right. It’s MISTER J.HUES to you!

Call me?


ROUND 1

All you bitchers and whiners just need to shut the hell up. Yeah, you heard me. Shove it, stuff it and if you need to (and I’ve seen you… you probably do…) spank it! But stop moaning about Marvel’s deals with Barnes & Noble and 7-Eleven to get their comics into these mass market venues. The goth-indy punks bitching that it’s only going to be Spider-Man and X-Men and not a true representation of what variety and quality there is in a comics shop. Shut up about it because that’s not the point and that’s not the problem. This is a very, very good thing for comics and here’s why.

When I was a kid, I was introduced to the wonders of reading and books through picture books and Dick and Jane, slowly moving toward more sophisticated fare. Now, the bookmobile (where I checked out most of my books) had a pretty limited selection, but it did its job. It taught me about this wonderful thing called books, and from there I learned about the joy that is the public library, and then used book stores, where I could buy hours of entertainment for pocket change, in many cases (still, sadly, a way better deal than anything most comics shops have). Barnes & Noble and Borders and now online venues for shipping directly to my house so I don’t even have to get out of my chair… heaven!

Marvel Adventures titles at 7-Eleven will serve the purpose of introducing young readers to the wonders that are comic books (remember that most of them don’t know comic books exist—their world is made up of video games and 24-hour cartoon channels). Proper placement and advertisements by Marvel utilizing the Comic Shop Locater Service and some teasers as to some of their other titles that are sold almost exclusively in comics shops will help to try and lure these young new readers into the more sophisticated shops as they get older and their love for the medium grows. Then it’s up to us in the comics shops to teach them what is great, without insulting them for learning to love comics through Marvel Adventures or scaring them right out of the hobby with our obsessive-compulsive behavior and bad hygiene (a real challenge I know!!).

You don’t really think that the hardcore porn aficionados got started with hardcore pornographic movies and books and magazines, do you? Of course not. They started with all the naked puppets on Sesame Street and a book on bathtime with drawings of a nubile young infant getting bathed and all those animals getting all natural in National Geographic, like the rest of us. It was only later that they discovered Dad’s old collection of Playboys and a love of depravity was born.

It’s a springboard. It won’t fix the industry overnight, but if it gains a toehold and the notice of any customers, it could get the attention of those missing next generations of comics fans. And with all the scantily clad heroines and muscle-bound heroes dressed in tight spandex, it could likely be a boon to the porn industry as well! And then we’re all winners.


ROUND 2

Speakeasy Comics debuts tomorrow with the premieres of both Atomika and The Grimoire! And it’s a light week (what with March being a five-week month) so you have extra money to explore new things. And Alias Entertainment is just down the road with 75-cent launch titles (a price you just can’t resist) and a whole slew of comics goodness coming your way. You may continue to ignore them and be oblivious to their existence now so that you can bitch later (after both companies fold because YOU didn’t support them) that there’s not enough diversity in comics.

See, what you do is you bitch at the OTHER comic fans. If they’d supported it then it would have survived. But not you. No. See, Dynamic Forces has a signed copy of Blue Beetle #1 from 1983 for thirty bucks!

You know who you are, picking up that sketch variant edition of the Wolverine #25 comic you already have three copies of for twice what it would cost to sample the full-color launch samplings of a new company and maybe… just maybe… find something new you enjoy reading. That is all.

ROUND 3

No really. I meant it. That is all.


ROUND 4

Okay, maybe a few more things. Regular readers know that this column pulls no punches in its take on all things comical bookey (Hey Lookie—another new word!). And as many creators like to slum down RWTP Alley from time to time, they find such punches and talk to me. With loving words.

Spinning out of recent events here in the squared circle are a couple of interviews. Fallout, if you will, of comments I’ve made about forthcoming projects that blew up into full-fledged and utterly brilliant back-and-forth discourses between myself and Dan (She-Hulk RULES!) Slott and Frank (Don’t Call Me Ron) Tieri!

That’s right. The Big Kahuna, in his infinite wisdom (or derangement if you will) has seen fit to allow the Hues out of the cage and into the faces of the establishment. Take that THE MAN. And that! Interviews that pull no punches (would you expect any less). And this is only the tip of the iceberg. And these are the kitten interviews to what could be coming down the pike. Just have to find that creator willing to take the challenge. Will YOU step into the ring with MISTER J.HUES? No, not you. Seriously. Step off. Dude, come on. SECURITY!!

Can’t get enough of my brilliance? Yeah, me neither. Read more in the following two interviews. Learn about comics you maybe didn’t know you needed to read, but you do. Seriously. These guys have families to feed.

Match #1 - j.hues Vs. Dan Slott

Match #2 - j.hues Vs. Frank Tieri

Slott kept it pretty clean but the gauntlets came off with Tieri. Anyone else man enough to step into the ring? Not you, Zimmerman. I meant someone people cared about. I’m serious Chuck. You and Micah can just wait in line. Over there. No, behind the dumpster. Thanks.


K.O.



j/h


disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.

Rolling With The Punches, and all contents herein are ™ and © 2005 j.hues AKA Jason J. Hughes, all rights reserved. Any reproduction or reprinting without the expressed written permission of j.hues is strictly prohibited (and I will sue you!) except for review purposes (but only good reviews!). Now if you want to quote me and drop a link right back here, well then I’ll fall in love with you and spend more days on your living room couch than Ken Jennings did hanging out with Alex Trebeck on Jeopardy.