Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“In a world without superheroes, what hope have the geeks.” --me
ROUND 1
Spider-Man: But, I don’t understand. I mean, the second one did so well. I thought we were a lock for a third. MJ and I were just—
Avi Arad: Look, Spidey, it’s not just you. We’re having to cancel the Wolverine solo film, we’re radically retooling X3, and the Avengers flick is dead in the water.
S-M: But, why? What happened? Superhero movies are still doing well. Is it because of Elektra? Because, I can guarantee you that a new Spider—
AA: No, no. It’s not Elektra. The budget on that thing was like a buck fifty. We’ll do fine on that with the DVD release. With extras like slow-motion jumping Jennifer Garner with bouncing digital cleavage, we should do quite nicely with the DVD sales. Quite nicely indeed…
AA: …
S-M: Avi? Mr. Arad? Hello?
AA: … Oh, yes, sorry. Where was I? Oh yes. Sorry about the end of your movie franchise and all that, but at least we’ll have the Fantastic Four to prop our stock on.
S-M: But this is insane! We put out some of the highest grossing movies of all time. I just don’t understand.
AA: Yes, but Batman was one of the highest grossing films of all time once as well. And how long has it been since you’ve seen him on the big screen.
S-M: Well, yeah, but did you see Batman & Robin…
AA: Exactly.
S-M: I don’t understand.
AA: Did you think we wouldn’t see it?
S-M: See what?
AA: Did you watch the Super Bowl, Spidey?
S-M: No, I got attacked by a guy with a tomato for a head…
AA: …
S-M: They didn’t! Dear god, not that! But, Mr. Arad, you have to understand. I filmed that years ago. I was hard up for money. I mean they replaced me in my own book with a clone! I was out of work! It was a lean time! I was young and stupid! Desperate! They promised me they would never use it… they said they’d destroyed it…
S-M: …
S-M: The Super Bowl?
AA: The Super Bowl. Millions upon millions of viewers. I’m sorry, but the franchise is dead. I’ll be lucky if I can salvage the Marvel name after this debacle.
S-M: …
AA: Oh, and we canceled Spectacular, too.
ROUND 2
Rick Jones: Hello, and welcome back to American Hero, where you, America, get to pick your next America Hero. I’m Rick Jones and could that hero be here, in Keystone City? As many of you already know, Keystone City is home to one of our most famous heroes and the cultural center of the Flash legacy. Let’s join our judges and see if there are any other heroes running around Keystone.
*****
Simon: Alright, it says here you call yourself ‘Jack Flash?’ Is that right?
Jack Flash: Yeah, hey, Paula! I love you!
S: Okay, Jack. Um, what are you going to do for us today?
JF: Well, I just wanna say that I love you, Paula and I dedicate this to you!
…
Paula: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Randy: Dude, no dude! Close that up. Put that thing away!
P: I have never been so disgusted in my life.
S: What in God’s name was that?
JF: That’s my ‘Jack Flash!’ My superpower, man!
S: What are you going to do? Horrify them into giving themselves up.
R: Dude, I thought you had a costume on under that trench coat or something. That is just wrong, dog! You are one sick dude!
P: I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I walked in on Ruben changing once, but this—
S: Okay, let’s just get this over with. Randy, yes or no to Metropolis?
R: No way, man. Do you even have to ask?
S: Paula?
P: Dear Lord, no! I don’t ever want to see this person again.
S: You’ve been awfully quiet. As our guest judge, we’d hope you’d have some insight as to what makes up a good superhero. What’s your take on Jack Flash.
Doctor Doom: Bah! Doom is not impressed.
**FSSHHZZAAAKK!!!**
R: Jesus, Doc! You’ve got to stop doing that! We reject them, we send them out there to cry. There’s no reason to kill them.
DD: This one did not deserve to live.
P: Hard to argue with that logic.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
This column is brought to you by RWTPv2: Rolling With The Punches: The Web Strip. What’s that? A web strip spun out of a column? How is that possible? You’ll just have to click on over to www.rwtpv2.com. While you were away, RWTPv2 quietly celebrated it’s 175th strip! That’s over ten months, dammit! Come on over and join the celebration with Jason, Nat, Sandi, PJ, Cris, Randi and Captain Sqeekers! It’s PUNCHERIFIC!!
POST-MATCH WRAP
Whoa, I did not see that coming. Folks, this is a live event. I understand most of our affiliates were away at a commercial break when this match suddenly and shockingly ended. That may have been the most powerful punch this commentator has ever seen thrown. Wow. And Mr. Byrne is not moving, folks. Let me say that again. Wow!
K.O.
j/h
disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.
