Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“The only thing truer than truth, is the lie that props it up.” --me
THIS BROADCAST HAS BEEN PRE-EMPTED SO THAT WE MAY BRING YOU THIS SPECIAL PRESENTATION
While the comics community continues to lament the loss of the lettercolumn (lovely alliteration! why, thank you!), with some citing it as one of a plethora of reasons that the next generation is not falling in love with and becoming hopelessly addicted to our flimsy friends, to the denigration of THEIR hygiene, it is with great pleasure that a most respected and honored comics journalist presents a cornucopia of letters from fans across the globe. And by “most respected and honored,” I mean me.
I’d like to say that this was authorized by the represented publishers, but I’d also like to say that I have a point when I’m talking, and we all know that I don’t. No, dear reader, these were culled after hours and hours of meticulous rummaging through publisher’s trash cans. See, that’s what they do with your fan letters. Well, recently DreamWave was using is as toilet paper in the john, but I guess we know why this cost-cutting measure was employed just before everyone there found themselves unemployed. I still have a smeared fan drawing of Megatron on my cheek from my last visit!
Since most publishers don’t want to talk to you anymore, I have graciously decided to step in on their behalf and answer your letters as I know they would. Some letters have been edited for length, spelling, grammar and because it was just too stupid to leave it as is. You know who I’m talking about! Come on, did you really think they were gonna send you the Vampirella model’s unwashed costume? I kept the twenty by the way. Thanks! It bought the liquor that this column is being brought to you by…
Letter #1 Dear Wolverine,
I am eight years old. I think you are just the coolest! When I grow up I want to be just like you! I taped my mom’s kitchen knives to the backs of my hands and fought my baby sister just like you would. Can you please come to my birthday party.
Justin, Age 8 ½
Thanks for reading! Now that you’re grounded, you’ll have plenty of time to read more of your favorite mutant. Check out all of Wolverine’s appearances for February: ALPHA FLIGHT #2, AMAZING SPIDER-MAN #517, ARANA #2, AVENGERS EARTHS MIGHTIEST HEROES #7-8, BLACK PANTHER #1, BLACK WIDOW #6, CABLE/DEADPOOL #12, CAPTAIN AMERICA #4, CAPTAIN AMERICA & THE FALCON #12, DAREDEVIL #70, DAREDEVIL REDEMPTION #1-2, DISTRICT X #10, EXCALIBUR #10, EXILES #59, FANTASTIC FOUR #523, FANTASTIC FOUR FOES #2, GAMBIT #7, INCREDIBLE HULK #78, INVADERS #7, JUBILEE #6, LIVEWIRES #1, MARVEL AGE FANTASTIC FOUR TALES #1, MARVEL AGE SPIDER-MAN TEAM-UP #5, MARVEL KNIGHTS 4 #15, MARVEL KNIGHTS SPIDER-MAN #11, MARVEL TEAM-UP #5, MYSTIQUE #24, NEW AVENGERS #4, NEW THUNDERBOLTS #5, NEW X-MEN #10, NIGHTCRAWLER #6, PUNISHER #17, ROGUE #8, RUNAWAYS #1, SHANNA THE SHE-DEVIL #1, SHE-HULK #12, SPECTACULAR SPIDER-MAN #25, SPIDER-MAN/HUMAN TORCH #2, SPIDER-MAN INDIA #4, STORMBREAKER SAGA OF BETA RAY BILL #2, STRANGE #4, ULTIMATE FANTASTIC FOUR #16, ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #72, ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN #56, ULTIMATES 2 #3, UNCANNY X-MEN #455-456, X-23 #3, X-FORCE SHATTERSTAR #1, X-MEN #167, X-MEN/FANTASTIC FOUR #3, X-MEN PHOENIX ENDSONG #3, X-MEN UNLIMITED #7 and YOUNG AVENGERS #1. Collect ‘em all, True Believer!
Letter #2 Dear DC:
I am a huge fan of Superman. But my allowance is only two dollars a week. I cannot afford to buy any of your Superman comics so I was wondering if you could maybe send me a drawing of Superman instead. I like to watch Smallville on TV and love him in the Justice League Unlimited cartoon. I see that there is a comic for that, but I can’t afford that either because my mom won’t give me the extra quarter. Tell Superman that I would read his comic if I could afford it.
Your friend, Rachel
It sounds to us like your mom is a cheapskate. Two lousy dollars? When I was your age, I got seventy-five cents and sure I could by two comics and a soda with that, but come on, Mom! You need to tell your Mom to skip that next tub of Ben & Jerry’s and get you some Superman comics! Our next issue deals with the rape and mutilation of a fan-favorite character, and Supergirl tries on a thong! There’s a role model for you, Rachel. Have you tried on a thong, yet?
Letter #3 Dear Todd,
I love Spawn! I don’t care what anyone says. You’re the greatest!
SpawnFanatic
I know.
Letter #4 Dear Mr. Oh So Important Brian Michael Bendis:
I know that you think you are the greatest Marvel Comics writer who ever wrote a Marvel comic but you are wrong. You are stupid and you are a hack and whoever told you you could write comics was wrong. I loved your work on Ultimate Spider-Man and Powers, but I won’t be reading those anymore because you really blew it this time. You are so stupid! How could you think you could turn the Scarlet Witch into a villain and kill Hawkeye and Vision! These characters have been with me for over twenty years! I have every issue of Avengers ever written and consider myself a huge fan. But NO MORE! Not after this travesty! I know you want to sell books and you think that killing my favorite characters will raise sales and maybe they will and I know that one angry fan doesn’t mean anything to you but I can guarantee you I am not the only one. These characters were like friends of mine and how could you so callously kill them in cold blood like that and then to turn the Scarlet Witch into a villain. It goes against everything this team stands for. I hope you got what you wanted Mr. Brian Michael Bendis by destroying everything that was good and holy and pure about the Avengers. And now you’re going to put Spider-Man on the team!? This is just about the worst idea you have ever had but I am sure that you think it is great because that’s what you think. That you are great! Well, you’re wrong. You destroyed my friends and I will not be buying your New Avengers book. I don’t even know if I want to keep my old Avengers comics now after reading this. How could you do this to us? How could you do this to Wanda? I’m sure you will be to cowardly to respond to this letter because it does not talk about how wonderful and great you are and I know that is all you like to respond to so that everyone will think that it is true, but I will be happy knowing that you now know how much you have ruined this lifelong Avengers fan’s life. I can’t believe you have destroyed the Avengers and I won’t be able to read them anymore. I hate you!
Former Avengers Fan
Get a life… Seriously. Good God!
Letter #5 Dear Rich,
When is Holed Up #3 coming out? I really enjoyed the first two. I wonder why you don’t get more work in the comics industry, you’re really funny.
You’re #1 Fan Tim
REALLY!? SERIOUSLY!? OH MY GOD! I LOVE YOU, MAN! Have you read the latest Lying in the Gutters? It’s sure to mention every project I have ever even remotely breathed on. Do you want to come live at my house? I have a wife, you know? I made her myself!
Letter #6 Dear Judd,
I really loved the latest issue of Green Arrow. I had to run right home and read it right after I picked it up from Joe’s Comics Shack in Lakeshore, Wisconsin. I loved how on the first page… (from here it goes into a panel-by-panel play-by-play of the entire comic—ed.) …Wow, was that cool. And that part where Green Arrow shot an arrow at that one dude and hit him with it! Classic! If Green Arrow is going to stay this strong, you can count me in for the long haul!
Ike
Uh, dude. I know how the story went. I wrote it. Dumbass!
Letter #7 Dear Marvel,
My boyfriend has been trying to get me to read your comics for years. He has offered me such titles as Alias, Mary Jane and now The Pulse, assuring me that I would enjoy these titles. I am an avid fan of some of Tokyopop’s offerings and have begun to sample some other independent books, but just haven’t been able to get into any of his superhero comics. So, anyway, he persisted and so I sat up last night with him and I read The Pulse, Ultimate Spider-Man, Astonishing X-Men, New X-Men, Amazing Spider-Man and maybe a few others that I can’t remember. The point is that I really tried, but this stuff is just crap. I mean, why would these guys run around in such stupid costumes and how can the authorities just accept these so-called superheroes just tromping all over their crime scenes and taking over their investigations. And why hasn’t Peter Parker been fired? He never shows up for class and he’s beat up half the time. I know for a fact no teacher in any schools around here would be able to keep up a job with that kind of performance. The whole thing is just so pretentious. And dear god, it was so stupid that every few pages I had to turn to my boyfriend so he could explain something to me that happened like five or ten years ago in the books, just so I could “get” what was happening now. It’s all just so overdone and over the top. It’s like a bad cartoon. I don’t know. There is some potentially nice moments from time to time and some interesting characters, but then some idiot in a rainbow colored outfit has to always drop down and snatch the girl or blow up some building. And another thing. I thought these guys were heroes and trying to help the common man? They sure are comfortable with throwing bad guys through buildings. Uh, hello? Don’t you think someone could get hurt doing that? It is New York City! And what about the structural integrity of the building and who’s going to pay for the property damage. Not Spider-Man! This so-called here just disappears and leaves the city to pay for it. Come on! It’s all just so ridiculous and implausible. My boyfriend tried to show me that Marvel Knights and MAX Comics were really different and that Marvel had even tried a more manga approach with a Tsunami line, but it all just looks the same to me. Superheroes and stupid costumes and posturing. It’s like bad wrestling with superpowers. Sorry, Marvel. It’s just not for me.
Sorry, Eric, I tried… Julia
Hey, True Believer! Thanks for reading Marvel Comics. I’m sure you’ll agree that Marvel puts out some of the best yarns in all of comics! If you really want to get your socks knocked off, check, out the upcoming Age of Apocalypse event. If you’re a fan of the original event ten years ago, you’ll LOVE this! Thanks for reading, Eric!
Letter #8 Hey, j.hues, how come you’re not writing any comics? You’re better than any of those hacks out there!
j.hues
Good point! I don’t know why. Maybe the people who make those kinds of decisions are too busy hiring the janitor who sweeps up the set of Desperate Housewives to revive a New Warriors series to notice me.
j/h
disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.
