Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.” --Johnny Carson (and isn’t that what we all want, Johnny. Surely that’s all I want it for!)
PREGAME SHOW
Everybody remembers where they were when JFK was shot, when RFK and MLK were shot. Hell, when Jack Ruby was shot. And more recently, when they heard the announcement that Princess Diana died and then Mother Theresa (who? –yeah, she died, too). And most recently, when the World Trade Center was attacked and destroyed. There are certain events that are etched into our societal subconscious. So I decided to see if the triumphant return of “RWTP” two weeks ago earned that distinction by asking the proverbial man on the street. Here’s how it went:
j.hues: Do you remember where you were when “Rolling With The Punches” returned?
Man On The Street #1: What?
MOTS2: What the hell is “Rolling With The Punches?”
MOTS3: Yeah, I was boffing your mother!
MOTS4: Get away from me!
MOTS5: Is that one of those new reality boxing shows? I heard they didn’t do so well.
MOTS6: Police!
MOTS7: Here, hold this, for a second…
But, then he just ran off. Luckily, a nice police officer showed up, so I posed my question again.
jh: Do you remember where you were when “Rolling With The Punches” returned?
Police Office: Drop to the ground and put your hands behind your head! What’s this a bag of you’ve got here, huh? Just some flour for your mama? Huh? Yeah? You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can—
It really got derailed from there. Unfortunately getting incarcerated and probed in my most private of regions threw off the whole survey and I haven’t had a chance to complete it. Apparently they don’t have access to such perverse websites as SBC here in the clink.
ROUND 1
Marvel recently revealed their new solicitations for shipping in April 2005 (or early May 2005, surely June by the latest… okay August) and proved once and for all that the well is dry.
“Reeling from the tragic death of Thor, the Prince of Power knows his star is fading fast. So what better way to pump up his Q-rating than to relive his defining moment? When his most bitter foe throws down the gauntlet, Hercules agrees to the challenge: Twelve labors, each more perilous than the one before it -- and each updated for reality-TV consumption. Zounds!”
Can we bring back The Gong Show because somebody needs a gong and I mean they need it bad. Start with the loser who’s been writing Marvel’s solicitation copy of late because if they don’t watch it, Vince McMahon is gonna snatch this person up and have him or her writing dialogue for the WWE. And then beat upside the head with the gong whoever greenlit this thing. When Ultimate Spider-Man used reality television with Kraven the Hunter in a Crocodile Hunter riff, it was somewhat cute. When Todd Nauck did reality television with WildGuard it was inventive and fun. This… this looks like… this looks…
…I can’t go on. Five issues?! Hercules?! Frank Tieri?! Why, was Ron Zimmerman too busy working up that sequel to his great Get Kraven miniseries, tentatively titled (I Wish I Could) Be Cool? Quesada says that he’ll ship it just as soon as they finish up Spider-Man/Black Cat, NYX and Daredevil: Father, so there’s hope yet!
I’ll admit, for many, many years I just didn’t get Marvel. And a big part of that was Hercules and Thor. To my mind these characters had no place in superhero comics. Now, I’ve read a lot more Thor and I can see (sort of) how they’ve made this work, but Hercules? And from what I’ve seen of him in Marvel thus far, he’s a joke! He sits around getting drunk and farting and feeling up women. Hell, would the FCC even allow a Hercules comic to see print these days. Maybe he’ll be buttoned down and politically correct and sensitive and respectful of the fairer sex. And I bet he talks in completely inappropriately declined and used thees and thous and thines, just like Thor and all the Norse gods do. I think no one at Marvel has any idea how these should be really used… no I take that back. I think almost no one in all of comics has any idea how these should be really used.
I bet Wolverine appears in the mini somewhere.
ROUND 2
While it is true that most geniuses are not appreciated in their own time, you’re still not a genius. Trust me on this one, John.
ROUND 3
Can you feel that fundamental swing in the industry. The big superhero publishers have been throwing things at the wall to see what fans want. Apparently they want more of the same, but not too much (look at the sales of all the X-Solo series launched in the past six to seven months). But, more significantly, the fans seem to be clamoring more and more for the big, epic, “senses shattering” crossover events that peppered through the 80s (Secret Wars, Crisis on Infinite Earths) and took over in the ‘90s (too many to list).
Fans salivated over Identity Crisis and are getting excited about the fallout and Countdown and this supposed “Crisis II,” while Marvel fans bought up in droves the “Avengers Disassembled” storyline and put mammoth numbers on New Avengers, the fallout from that and are salivating over every press mention regarding “The House of M.” Meanwhile, spin-offs and books clearly marked as related to the big events are selling better than ever.
After several years where continuity meant nothing from book to book, and in many cases completely contradicted one another, within the same universe, fans seem to want their big superhero universes to be cohesive again. To interact with one another and acknowledge large events and occurrences across the line.
Whereas, a few years ago, you could have Asgard sitting over New York City in Thor, yet there be no mention of this in any other Marvel New York-based book, in 2005, when Wonder Woman is blinded in her book, she is blind in every appearance in any other book from that point forward (though we all know the blindness can’t be permanent (status quo and all!).
It’s an interesting development. The only thing that hasn’t been tested is the tried and true strategy of launching new titles out of these epic crossovers. This has worked in the past, and yet, with the exception of New Avengers (which is really just a continuation of the old Avengers series), none of these have launched any new series at all.
What does it ultimately mean? Will it help comics as a whole continue on this disputed slow path of recovery it’s been on for about 3-4 years now? Is it just another fad that won’t go anywhere? Will the publishers and retailers figure out a way to get new properties launched and successful in this industry?
Damn, I promised myself I wasn’t going to get serious in the column this time. But, you know, all of this is to really bring up a very key point. The time is ripe for the return of an ALF comic. In-continuity.
Think of it. All the hijinx and hilarity of the classic Howard the Duck series with more mainstream name-recognition. And he could date the Cheetah and at night be wrestling with whether or not he is going to make love to her or eat her…
spinning out of “Identity Crisis” ALF #1 @ $2.99 W: Gordon Shumway A: Chuck Austen In this senses shattering first issue, ALF tries to recover from the loss of Sue Dibny, when his life is suddenly turned upside down! You won’t believe what fate has to offer our would-be hero when he comes up against… the D.M.V. and faces a fate worse than death! How can ALF survive his first issue? And if he does, what will he do when the JLA appears. And don’t you dare miss the final page! It’s what everybody will be talking about! This one is sure to impact the DC Universe for years to come! Guest-starring the JLA and Elongated Man! FC, 32 Pages, Monthly
ROUND 4
And am I the only one who noticed how blatantly pathetic the new Marvel GLA series is ripping off not one, but TWO successful DC concepts/properties. Remember, this is Marvel (“The House of Ideas”). The studio that loves to poke fun at DC as an old, tired, piece of crap that wouldn’t know a good idea if it bit them on the ass. The same folks who brought you a curiously titled mini-series (Identity Disc) that coincidentally not only premiered the same month as DC’s Identity Crisis, but by a sheer twist of fate, each issue was scheduled to ship the same. exact. week. (HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD!).
So now we have GLA, which is an acronym for a longer superhero name, the acronym is pretty similar to DC’s successful JLA series, itself an acronym for a longer superhero name. Okay, that’s one. The others is that this is a “funny” superhero comic. Because Marvel thought that was a good idea? No.
You see, DC put out Formerly Known as the Justice League, a reunification of the creative team behind the ‘80s era League, which was known for humor and characterization. So FKATJL comes out and is funny and is successful. So Marvel says, hey I have an original idea and then points at DC. So Alpha Flight comes out, only somebody forgot to make it funny. So they’re trying again.
Tying it into the “Avengers Disassembled” storyline that ended sometime in 2004, this mid-2005 launching mini-series will be hitting shelves concurrently with DC’s follow-up to FKATJL, only a bit behind. It takes time to steal good ideas, after all.
If this one doesn’t work, they’ll just launch an Ultimate “Funny” Superhero Comic. They haven’t yet beat that gift horse into the ground, though they’re trying. Certainly Ultimate Elektra was a tremendous underperformer, and Ultimate Fantastic Four isn’t exactly climbing the charts (quite the opposite actually). Maybe an Ultimate Forbush Man would be just the straw to break that camel’s back.
ROUND 5
I admit it. I’m still bitter that Marvel backed out on their promise. I mean they said “U-Decide” and I did and yet nobody got dunked into any water for being the loser. Well, Bill Jemas lost his job, and for winning the whole thing, they jacked the price up on Peter David’s Captain Marvel series and then canceled it, but nothing ever happened to Joe Quesada. Maybe he’d be willing to stand still and let us fling crap at him at the next WizardWorld convention. I think it’s going to be in Des Moines this March, or something.
K.O.
j/h
disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.
