Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If it is broke, blame the neighbor’s kid.” --me
PREGAME SHOW
And lo he shall return and again bring his words unto the world, and there will be much rejoicing! The people shall shout it from the rooftops, “Yea, though we have been empty in spirit and joy, he hath cometh again and our cups are filled to o’erflowing.!” He brought forth his word again unto the people and they were fulfilled and well pleased to hear what he had to say.
And the Lord, up on high, heard of this new prophet and he went to one his his flock and he bade him spake unto him of the words of this new prophet. And hearing the words repeated, the Lord went back unto his castle and contemplated. And shot a bolt of lightning right up this charlatan’s ass!
Everybody’s a critic.
ROUND 1
It was a cold night, but when they arrived and saw that they were the first two to do so, they couldn’t believe it. “I thought for sure we were doomed when you had to stop at White Castle, dude.”
“Dude, I told you that place was fast. And check it out! We are first, dude!”
“All right!”
They set up their lawn chairs and got out their sleeping bags. Oh, this was gonna be so worth it. They toasted a couple of fresh cans of RC Cola and began to reminisce their earliest memories of her.
Two hours passed.
“Dude, I can’t believe no one else has showed up yet. Are you sure this is the right place?”
“For the thousandth time, I’m sure! Look, I’ll go check again.” He got up, walked over to the window. He peered inside for a moment and then returned. “This is it, dude. Now leave me alone about it.” He snuggled back into his sleeping bag, turned his head and closed his eyes, trying to sleep.
“Maybe it’s the wrong day.”
“It’s not the wrong day. Now shut up and go to sleep!”
Three more hours passed.
He woke from a troubled sleep and dreams of crowded people pushing and shoving. “Hey, dude! Hold my spot, I gotta take a leak.”
“Hold your spot from who? There’s no one else here, dumbass.”
Hours passed. The sun rose.
“What the hell are you guys doing here?”
“Oh hey, we’re camped out, dude. Don’t you remember us from Lord of the Rings?”
“Okay, but where are all your hobbit friends, then? And what are you here for anyway?
“Elektra, dude! Jennifer Garner in leather. It is going to be so hot!”
“Dude, you’ve got morning—“
“I do not!”
“Why’d you roll over then!”
“Shut up!”
Looking around. “Hey, where is everyone, anyway.”
“At home. Look, guys. I don’t know how to tell you this, but this is Elektra. Not Lord of the Rings or Star Wars or, heaven help us, another Star Trek movie. Elektra. Some secondary character in some B-Level superhero book. Daredevil didn’t do so great and this is getting crap reviews. I’ll be lucky to sell out a single showing!”
They looked around the empty parking lot and back up at the theater manager. “Maybe everybody else is at the wrong place or something.”
“Hey, is that RC Cola? Man, that stuff rocks! Do you mind if I—“
“Sure, man. Sure. So when does the box office open, anyway?”
ROUND 2
ROUND 3
Robin: Hey, Batman. Now that you broke it off with what’s her face—
Batman: She wanted to spend too much time with me. With Bruce. It’s always the same. I tell you, Alfred, I’d be better off if I didn’t have to put up this charade of dating women all the time.
Alfred: Yessir. You’d have the media thiking you were gay, sir.
Batman: Dammit!
Robin: I got all your problems solved, Batman. The perfect girl for you, now that she and Brad are through.
Batman: How could that possibly—
Robin: Didn’t you hear. She wanted to break up because he wanted to settle down and start a family. She wants to focus on her career! She’s everything the girls you’ve been dating aren’t.
Batman: Intriguing.
Alfred: Indeed, sir. Young Master Robin seems to have struck upon an excellent idea.
Robin: She wants to focus on a movie career, so she’d have to always be on-set. You could have her over the mansion from time to time, talk on the phone and let her do her thing while you do… your thing.
Batman: I must say, I’m impressed. I wonder why I never—
Batman: Wait a minute. This wouldn’t have anything to do with the Robin-Cameras I found in my bedroom this morning.
Robin: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Alfred: I’m sure I would have noticed something like—
Batman: Still, your idea has merit, no matter the motives behind it. Alfred, setting up a meeting with this woman. Maybe Bruce Wayne can finance a movie she’s interested in making.
Robin: Yes!
Batman: And I’ll be flying to wherever she is to meet her, Robin.
Robin: Damn!
Batman: Ah-HA! Just as I suspected. Alfred, don’t wait up! Robin, you sit this one out, you’ve got homework if I’m not mistaken.
Robin: You’re the boss.
Alfred: …
Robin: …
Robin: Is he gone?
Alfred: Yes he’s just left the cave.
Robin: And the cameras?
Alfred: Installed in the jet as you requested. He’ll not find them where I put them. I even fluffed the pillows for him.
Robin: Swee-eet!
Alfred: Indeed, sir.
ROUND 4
McFarlane toys picked up the license to do toys based on long-running animated series The Simpsons. Cue Malebolgia vs. Nelson, Spawn vs. Principal Skinner (one of you will die!), the Clown vs. Krusty the Clown! Wait, I would buy that last one. And we could have Sideshow Bob have to save Krusty and Bart. And then he’s all pissed and… and…
I know it’s the toys, but damn if some Bongo/TMP comic crossovers wouldn’t be a hoot and a half!
Al: What’s wrong with me, doc?
Dr. Hibbs: Eh-hee-hee-hee. Why, you’re dead, son. And rotting, too.
Bart: Ke-e-e-w-w-w-l-l-l! Can I touch him.
Dr. Hibbs: How did you get in here? Nurse, get the tranquilizer gun!
K.O.
j/h
disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.
