Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“Sorry about that, you might want to condemn that bathroom.” --me (explaining my twenty-one month absence)
PREGAME SHOW
O where O where has my little Hues gone? O where O where can he be?
I’m back and I’m pissed and that’s all you need to know! Well, maybe just a bit more... Damn, it’s been a long time. In the time since we’ve been together I’ve written ‘All the Rage,’ worked at Future Comics, launched a daily webstrip, launched a daily blog, bought a house and got married. What the hell did YOU do?
No, really, never mind. I don’t want to know. No, I’m quite certain I don’t care. Yes, I’m sure you’re about to get your own place. Just read the strip at www.rwtpv2.com, read the blog at punches.blogspot.com and read the column right here (please don’t tell me you need me to give you a link to this page) and you’ll know all you need to know. Screw Fox News and their liberal propaganda! There is a plan to get out of Iraq. It’s to get all of our solders killed and then there won’t be anyone left to bring home. It’s foolproof and it saves the taxpayers millions and millions of dollars.
ROUND 1
At the Justice League tower. The Leaguers are still in shock over the latest “Crisis.”
Superman - Oh what’s the point of going on? The League is shattered!
Batman - Don’t talk like that, Superman.
Green Lantern - But we lost a member, Batman. We lost one of our long-time members! I mean, how can we fight crime without Sue ‘Freaking’ Dibny!
Superman - Who?
Green Lantern - Sue… Dibny. She’s the one who died, Superman.
Superman - She was a member? What was her superpower?
Green Lantern - She didn’t have any superpowers. She was Elongated Man’s wife.
Plastic Man - Ah… Ah-ch—Ripoff!
Flash - She made awesome brownies!
Plastic Man - And what the hell kinda name is Elongated Man, anyway.
Martian Manhunter - Oh, those brownies were out of this world! They sometimes made me feel funny.
Green Arrow - Sorry about that.
Martian Manhunter - What? What are you sorry about?
Plastic Man - Why not Stretchy Guy or something shorter.
Green Arrow - I used to hide Speedy’s pot in her brownie batter.
Flash - Dude, that’s awesome! Man, that explains why I got fired for failing that drug test.
Plastic Man - Wait… Stretchy Guy. Guys, I’m changing my name. You can call me Stretchy Guy from now on. Kinda catchy. Stretchy. Stretchy is catchy. Heh-heh.
Green Lantern - I’m just glad that no one else had to die. Thank god my girlfriend had already been murdered and her body stuffed into a refrigerator so she didn’t have to suffer.
Flash - Dude, that sounds like she suffered.
Green Lantern - Yeah what do you know about it. Your wife left you! Everybody I know has died.
Flash - Barry died.
Batman - Oh lay off the Barry schtick, Flash. Everyone’s tired of it.
Flash - Well he did. Die, that is.
Batman - I just can’t believe one of our wives was able to go on a killing spree and I missed it. I mean I should’ve figured it out sooner.
Robin - Yeah, that would’ve been nice. That way I could have only lost my girlfriend and not my father, too, you arrogant prick!
Batman - Acceptable casualties in our war!
Robin - Screw your war, you bastard!
Batman - Robin! Robin!
Superman - Let him go, Batman. He’s lost a lot.
Batman - Yeah, I guess. I can always get another Robin anyway.
Green Lantern - It wasn’t really one of our wives, anyway.
Batman - What are you talking about, it was the Atom’s—
Green Lantern - Ex-wife, Batman. Ex-wife. His crazy, psycho ex-wife. I understand they put her in with all of your crazy villains.
Batman - Yes hopefully they can help her there.
Flash - How many of your rogues gallery have been cured at Arkham, Batman? And how many times do they escape and kill again. Man, we need to find a more permanent solution—
Martian Manhunter - I’ve got it figured out. A way to protect everyone that needs protecting.
Green Arrow - Go on. We’re listening.
Martian Manhunter - We kill all our loved ones. That way none of them can go crazy and go on a killing rampage where even Batman can’t figure out who did it.
Flash - Yeah, how is that, anyway? How did the Dark Knight Detective let some amateur scientist go on a killing spree—
Batman - Enough!
Flash - But she—
Batman - I can make you disappear, Flash.
Flash - Did you hear that?
Green Arrow - Manhunter, that’s insane. We can’t just kill—
Flash - Batman threatened me. You’re all my witnesses.
Suddenly in a flash (pardon the pun, no on second thought screw you, you can deal with the pun!) everyone collapsed. Batman, had he been conscious to run forensics test and be all creepy cool like Gil on CSI would have said that trace compounds of plastic in their bloodstreams had compromised the blood flow to their brains. Plastic Man surveyed the room. He lifted Martian Manhunter’s head slightly and kissed him on the forehead.
Plastic Man - Even I can see that your plan is brilliant. We will protect ourselves by killing everyone we care about. I’ll start with my own son! And that annoying little fat man. Hey, guys! If we just wiped out everyone on the planet, we wouldn’t have to worry about anything anymore! No more crime and—guys? Guys? Are you even listening to me?
I still haven’t figured out why Dan Didio never returns my calls. I mean I must send them scripts and pitches every week for the JLA and all the big guns. I could revolutionize that damned company if he’d just grow some and give me a chance! Come on, Dan. I know you got the message about having Bruce Wayne get a sex-change operation and then having to fight Batgirl to see who has the biggest bat-boobs! I mean, it’s Batman and it’s boobs! We get Jim Lee to draw it and it’s money in the bank, Dan. Money in the bank! Julie wouldn’t shut me out like this, Dan.
ROUND 2
Alright, why don’t we start with a little about yourself. What do you think you bring to the table?
Oh, I bring a lot to the table. I have an incredible imagination. I’m always coming up with new and shocking ideas. I’ll be honest with you. I am so far ahead of everyone in my field when it comes to execution and really pushing the envelope creatively. I bring a passion to everything I do. And I know how to really connect with the consumers.
Oh, excellent. That’s very important in our line of work.
It sure is, sir. And I know that if I can get this job, you won’t regret it.
And you say this will bring in enough money you can put out more of that—
Oh yeah. That’s a labor of love, obviously. I’m trying to explore a more mature take on the classic—
And—and it would have more nekkid boobies and stuff!
Uh… yes. I mean, probably it would. I’m not sure how this is—
You’re hired, Mr. Austen. Congratulations.
Really! That’s great. You won’t regret this. I can’t wait to be able to give back to the fans, again.
Now let me show you where you’re going to be working. Mr. Wright will show you what you need to do today. This is the grill and when this timer goes off over here, you need to pull the fries out. Now don’t forget to shake the grease off.
Uh-huh.
Hey, Micah. This is Chuck. He’s going to be working here. I wonder if he could follow you around today and see how we do things. Thanks!
ROUND 3
I found a mistake in the last issue of Warlock. Now Marvel used to give out No-Prizes to people who find mistakes in their books, so let me know if I can win one for this. And I double and triple-checked the issue to make sure I wasn’t the one who was mistaken. But it’s not me. Nowhere in the entire issue does it mention or show or even reference Wolverine.
So do I get my No-Prize, or what?
By the way, somebody explain to me how an ongoing series can get canceled after four issues. That’s astonishing! I mean by the time sales figures come in for the first issue, the fourth issue is probably almost completed. The comics industry is turning into the television industry.
Next we’ll have non-creative suits sitting up in offices dictating content on the books themselves, shuffling around creative teams and arbitrarily canceling books with a unique voice to replace them with yet another spin-off of a tried and true seller. Oh wait. Damn, I guess the comics industry has arrived after all!
ROUND 4
The powers that be are arguing about the naming scheme of the new All-Star line of books. Should it be All-Star: Batman and Robin or should it be Batman and Robin: All-Stars. See, the difference will determine how the trades are racked at Barnes & Noble. If they go with All-Star Batman and Robin then the books will be thrown on the floor in front of the graphic novel section with all the other non-manga comics, and if they go with Batman and Robin: All-Stars, then it will be used as a coaster in the café.
The argument is to determine if they want this Batman book to be racked with all the other Batman books, to increase sales peripherally, or if they want all the All-Star books to be racked together, to increase visibility and boost the whole line.
Though focus groups responded well to it, the idea to change the name to Ultimate X-Stars: Batman and Robin and change the DC logo to a Marvel logo were nixed by Dan Didio. Something about brand confusion.
Come on, Dan. You’re smarter than that.
Bat-boobs, Dan! You have my number!
K.O.
POST-GAME INTERVIEW
That’s it. It’s over. A quick shout-out to Mike Storniolo for giving my web strip props over at Diaz’ WLG column here at SBC. And I didn’t even ask him to! The strip is starting fresh this week with a whole new attitude and a whole new look. Check it out and I’ll check you out next week--I still have my x-ray glasses I picked up from an ad in one of my old Sgt. Rock comics and they work. I’m looking through my Sea Monkeys right now.
j/h
disclaimer: the opinions and views expressed in this column are not approved by anyone and have been determined by “big tobacco” to be more hazardous to your health than unfiltered cigarettes. it is in your best interest to report your findings here to the department of homeland security so that mr. hues can be put away for a long, long time. please, it’s for his own good. and the good of the country. and the children. don’t forget the children.
