Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
"I'm not who I appear to be..." -Bruce Wayne in general and Alan Donald this week.
Pre-match hype
Who's that guy?---------->
That ain't me, what day is it? Where am I? What's going on here?
Quick whispers off stage.
Whispers become raised voices.
One voice can just be made out: "YOU'VE DONE WHAT!? Yeah, great, wonderful April Fool...what do you mean we're still live? WE'RE STILL LIVE!?"
Um...yeah, it's Wednesday, this is Rolling With the Punches and I'm Alan Donald. It would appear that the Big Kahuna's decided to play a little joke on us all...well on Mr. Hues and I anyway, and force us to switch columns for the week. I suppose I'd better get on with it then.
Round 1
In the red corner we have Jeremy Bullock aka Boba Fett! In the blue corner we have Dave Prowse aka The Green Cross Code Man aka The Bbody of Darth Vader!
Watch in wonder as these two stalwarts of the convention circuit slug it out for the title of "Champion of being famous for being in a costume in Star Wars!" Shriek in wonder as you realise that Dave Prowse charges about same as the GNP of Belgium for one signed photo! Gasp in adoration as you discover that Jeremy Bullock is a bloody nice bloke! And laugh heartily as Mr. Prowse explains that it should have been his voice and not James Earl Jones' ('Loooke taake moi 'and an' u an' oi can rooole this 'ere galaaaaxy 'ere aaaas faatherrrr an' son, arrrrr!' or 'Loooke I be yerrr daaaaaa')!
The fight begins...then suddenly, BANG! The door slides open on the outside of the arena. Our fighters stop and stare...Storm Troopers burst in but one is a little more eager than the rest and he bangs his head on the door as it rises. The other Troopers melt away leaving our man who banged his head. Bullock and Prowse stare in wonder. Our man removes his helmet. A little red faced grey haired man stands there and booms out:
"This championship belongs to me! I, the, Storm Trooper who banged his head on the Death Star in Star Wars: Episode 4! What have you two done since Star Wars? Nothing worth talking about! I, Michael Leader, have been busy. I was the band leader in Hi-de-Hi but more...I AM THE MILKMAN IN EASTENDERS!!!! I have been there from the beginning. Not only am I the greatest bloke in a suit from Star Wars that no one knows but I am also a leading background figure in the UK's top soap opera. I've even had a couple of lines too!"
(Hey Hues’ style's fun)
As we leave the battle the towering hulk of Dave Prowse is hunched over in the agony of arthritis and Jeremy Bullock is wheezing dangerously as he runs away in full Fett uniform from a Storm Trooper driving a milk float...
Round 2
It's sunny outside. It hasn't rained for a few days. Summer must be coming. Summer means Comicbook Conventions (why can't they hold them in the winter? I mean a hall of sweaty, smelly fanboys isn't exactly improved by a sweltering heatwave...). I've been pushing the UK comic festival over on ATR for a while mainly 'cause I'll be there, I like it; it's the UK's main festival and heck they're the only ones who've bothered to ask me to promote them...until now!
"American authors Will Eisner, Sal Buscema, Tim Sale, John Cassaday & Mark Bagley will be present at the 21st Barcelona International Comic Fair."
Wu-hoooo!!! Hold on, Barcelona? Damn me for being poor. Still great turn out for a European festival, one to attend. Want more details?
The Barcelona International Comic Fair is one of the most significant comic conventions in Europe and in the world. The Barcelona International Comic Fair is visited each year by more than 80.000 people. Fandom who looks forward to the Fair year after year to have the chance to meet their favourite authors, to visit interesting exhibitions, to attend conferences, etc.
The Barcelona Fair gives the upmost importance to American comics as it is shown by the presence of American authors that come and visit us year after year.
Not only American authors will attend the Fair but also important European artists such as Mattotti, Mezzo, Pirus, Bryan Hitch, Mark Millar, Frank Quitely, Tomaz Lavric, as well as most Spanish authors, many of them very well know by the American public.
The 21st Barcelona International Comic Festival will take place at the Estació de França from the 8th to the 11th May 2003.
Oh go on, I suppose I'd better do something on the UK festival:
I was one of the people who inadvertantly kicked off the flap on the C2000 group by asking for consideration to be given by (some rather dense) people to creators and other fans during signings
Hence I noted with interest your recounting on the flap at the Bristol Comic festival group over the last week was which was pretty accurate, apart from one, ( not exactly minor) omission.
The Jim Lee Thing. I quote :
"(some people actually had the gall to ask when told Jim would do a 90 min signing what Mr. Lee would be doing for the rest of the Festival weekend as if they were paying his flight personally)"
I presume u were being tongue in cheek, but you seemed to miss out a very important point, surprising as you summed up the rest of the happenings pretty accurate.
People only started enquiring about Jim Lee's schedule, in a mostly sarcastic way, responding to Kev's own initial needlessly sarcastic pronouncements on that, and other matters under discussion at the time.
Indeed, as u know Kev later issued a full, gracious & public ( not mention rare, so it must have struck a nerve with him) apology to the group for his sometime sarky attitude.
Which, in the interest of fairness, ( no to mention confirming what a top bloke Kev is) deserved a mention I thought, along with your above comment. ( imho )
Look forward to your seeing your card when I buy my charity pack this year. ( don't be shy, go for it, artists are always their own worst critics)
Keep up the good work ( wish I could say Rich J does the same, good work that is)
Heck if I mention what a top bloke Kev is any more his head will explode. As for the card...I'll get round to it but I'm no artist. Oh and the Rich thing...naughty, naughty. Mr J does a fine job, he's a jolly nice chap. What do you mean, the clause about being nice to him doesn’t exist away from ATR? Oh well, let’s talk Rich and bribery then…[censored]
Round 3
Damn it, Huesy talked about the Squiddies in his column...all the same here's the list in full:
Best Writer.............Brian Michael Bendis Best Penciler...........J.H. Williams III Best Inker..............Bob Almond [tie] Mark Farmer Best Painter............Alex Ross Best Letterer...........Todd Klein
Heck no arguments there!
Best Colorist...........Laura DePuy Martin Best Creative Team......Los Bros Hernandez (Love & Rockets) [tie] Millar/Hitch/Currie (The Ultimates) Milligan/Allred/Allred (X-Statix) Moore/Williams/Gray/Cox/Klein (Promethea)
Interesting...Not entirely my choices but good ones all the same.
Best Cover Artist.......Kaare Andrews
Damnit I'm just too much of a Brian Bolland fan!
Best Editor.............Axel Alonso
Cool...
Best Political Cartoonist...........Aaron McGruder (The Boondocks)
Have to look this out, especially as this isn't the only award it wins...
Best Short Story .......Fantastic Four #60 ("Inside Out") [tie] Transmetropolitan (#60 "One More Time") Y: The Last Man #1 ("Unmanned") Best Comics Novella.....Ultimate Spider-Man Special #1
Good, good.
Best Original Graphic Novel........JLA/JSA: Virtue and Vice
Huh? JSA's doing bloody well everywhere; I just don't get it...must be me; I don't dislike the title but...heck, let's move on, loads to do.
Best Multi-Part Comics story.........Black Panther #41-45 [tie] ("Enemy of the State II") Y: The Last Man #1-5 ("Unmanned") Best Comic Series.......Lucifer Best New Series.........Y: The Last Man Best Limited Series.....Apache Skies Best Reprint Collection...........Absolute Authority Best Anthology..........September 11 (DC/Dark Horse/Image/Chaos) Best Comic Strip........The Boondocks (Aaron McGruder) Best Web Comic..........Gravers (www.opi8.com)
Ok. Nothing I'd really argue with there, more Boondocks for me to check out.
Best Company or Imprint...........DC Comics Best Character..........Judge Dredd
Yeah Baby! Yeah! DC and Dredd! Go Squiddies! Go Squiddies!
Best Character Team.....JSA (Justice Society of America) [tie] The Ultimates
See I'd see this as no contest but heck maybe I should drop back into JSA again, it's always been readable but just not one I have to have given my limited budget.
Best Comics-Related TV/Film/Performance.....Spider-Man (Live Action Motion Picture) Best Comics-Related Merchandise.............Streaky the Supercat soft toy Best Publication........Comic Book Artist Best Focused Web Site...Mark Evanier's POV Online (povonline.com)
Yeah...ok...not sold on all of this, save for Spidey.
Best General Web Site...Newsarama (www.newsarama.com)
Really? Good site but personally I'd have gone with SBC (honest, not just 'cause I work here) or The Pulse...
Best Journalist.........Rich Johnston
I've never laughed so hard in my life!!!! Rich Johnston, journalist! Mild mannered metropolitan reporter Rich Johnston... has anyone who voted for him actually read his comments on journalism and journalists? Rich'd be the first to giggle at this award I'm sure. Well, the first to mention it incessantly in his column anyway (“as voted for by literally twenty-five saddos on the Internet!”)…nah, I’m only jealous.
Round 4
Nice to know Stan Lee's just another dirty old man. Marvel's been sweet and innocent for too long. It's good to know that behind the facade of a kindly old man Stan Lee's just as sex crazed as the rest of us. What am I on about…Stripperella of course!
Round 5
Last week on ATR I asked you to send in your best George Bush parody sites. You had a chance to win Stupid White Men by Oscar winner Michael Moore.
First up I've got an apology to make. I answered several points with regard to my previous comments on the chimp in the White House. I neglected to comment on my critic’s assertion that Dubya was actually a democratically elected President. I should of course have pointed out the truth that George W. isn't the elected President but that Al Gore is. Bush of course is President through electoral fraud, nepotism, media collusion and a little help from daddy. Thus, legally speaking, I'd say "unelected dictator" is a pretty accurate description.
Thank you to everyone who sent in sites for me to look at. Along with the entries, I also received more emails of support than ever before. Right, let's get down to it. No names, no pseudonyms just a few of your comments and the site's you've sent in. Rather than me choosing, I'm leaving it up to you, I'm gonna comment on the sites, exclude a few from the running but I want you to email me to let me know which you want to win. As far as the prize goes, its ready to send, I've read it and I apologize for the coffee stains, bashed cover, damp patch (leaky child’s cup), curl and general bad treatment. It was fine until I was almost done, then a combination of Bruce getting hold of it and my taking it down to the pub to read kind of did a bit of damage...sorry. The good news is that this is the UK edition which has an expanded preface that US readers won't have. Time to start the battle royale:
We enter a dark room...in the centre there's a boxing ring with PC's fighting it out...
The first one is not really a parody site, but rather the official homepage for the Swedish national television(!). Do, however, check the movie clip called "Read my lips - Bush and Blair" for a nice parody - http://svt.se/svt/jsp/Crosslink.jsp?d=3015. There are several other funny clips, as well, like "Read my lips - Saddam" and "Read my lips - Presidents".
This crashed my system and I didn't get to see it. If you've got Broadband then check it out. Disqualified as I'm not going to let a site win if I can't see it myself.
Heh-heh-heh. This could be the winner. Very good. Chimp photos very cleverly match up with snaps of Bush. The Blair one's disqualified not because of any nationalism but 'cause it's crap, the poodle pics bear no relation to the Blair pics. A cheap and nasty knock off of a well done site. The Bush page was also sent in by another who suspected others would have already sent it...they had but if this wins you're both in the running.
I could only download the audio track. Still very, very good. Don't think it's an impersonator, think it's a cleverly spliced cut and paste job, Scary 'casue he could have said it...this really works 'cause of Bush's monotone voice (hey he could play Rorschach in a Watchmen film!). Very good indeed.
Panic not, the first one worked fine, here's a bit of it:
"Welcome to www.bushorchimp.com! Welcome to the "George W. Bush or Chimpanzee" webpage. This is a little project I decided to start once I realized how much George W. Bush looks like a chimpanzee. I'm not a member of any political party, and I have nothing in particular against the man. I just think he kind of looks like a chimpanzee. -Bill Feldspar
Several of you out there have been emailing and signing in the guestbook about how it is cruel to the chimps to compare them to George W. Bush. So, to show that we are caring, compassionate people, here are some webpages you might find interesting:
Much like the above webdesign site it's incredible just how much Bush looks like a chimp. Heck who am I kidding? After seeing these pictures I'm convinced he is a chimp. Another possible winner.
As for the second one, I had this one come in again
Take no notice of those brainwashed Republican dunderheads, my friend - as long as you keep the column just as it is, I'll be there every Monday!
Excellent, fantastic. So much bloody work went into this site. A brilliant parody of the Whitehouse's actual site. You are going to have to go a long way to beat this in terms of quality, effort and density.
I ran this one a while back I had spotted it on the Andy Diggle site. Still it very much deserves to be in the running as it is one of the best. Absolutely brilliant. Not overtly as clever as Whitehouse.org but in the end it's its simplicity, that is its strength. Very, very good, very funny and definitely a strong contender.
And I already HAVE Stupid White Men, so give it to a ditto-monkey to wake them up.
Very good, a must read, lots of work but not specifically a Bush parody. Excellent but not necessarily funny. Go read it and add it to your faves. But as you have the book then it ain't a problem, visit this site, but you can't vote for it.
If these two websites don't get me the copy of STUPID WHITE MEN, nothing will... ;)
I start every Sunday morning by reading ALL THE RAGE... keep up the good work! ;)
1st Very...odd. Like the Blair bit at the end (Ccolgate training videos) very freaky, crude, simplistic and surreal, nice combination. This one may find several fans. Very bizzare.
2nd one looked good fun, couldn't load properly. Saw enough to let it stay in the running
I'm a fan of the column, and I also happen to agree with you regarding your thoughts on Bush.
BTW, I am a huge Michael Moore fan, but I have never got around to buying Stupid White Men. The Awful Truth DVD's and Bowling For Columbine are great works though.
The United States has one strategic interest in the Middle East: oil. Everything else is gravy, sentiment, rhetoric... American transnational corporations do not care about Israeli settlers and their biblical claims, Palestinians who are losing their land and water, Kurds who are caught stateless between gangsters in Baghdad and Tehran, victims of war or torture in Sudan, Afghanistan, Algeria, South Lebanon..." (Charles Glass, New Statesman, November 15, 1996)
This was another speech that my PC almost coped with. Definiately in the running as it was very funny indeed.
I'm not sure if this counts but it is damn funny right now:
Just want to say I love your column on SBC. I look forward to this every Sunday.
About all those people attacking you on Bush. Well, I support you and I totally that Bush in tyrant. It seems a lot of people are getting attacked on their stance of anti-war but just keep it up. I'm a Canadian and I still like Americans just not Bush and his all his croonies.
Here's some stuff of other comic people taking a stance against the war.. Micah Ian Wright you can read his article at newsrama here
and open the jpg files named 01INGW.jpg, 02INGW.jpg, 03INGW.jpg and 04INGW.JPG... Fuck'em if they can't take a joke. I'm living in the US, but I'm from the Basque Country. Living here is getting to be like a bloody nightmare.
You are a sick puppy. Nice touch with George looking more chimp than man in the first panel, Watchmen tribute on the second page is...interesting. I am deeply troubled by this, 3 pages of wanking...oh dear.
PS: Do I win Michael Moore's book?;-)I doubt it but then again who knows ;-)
Hi, I've been reading your column since you took over from Ian and I'm really enjoying it. Keep up the good work. I just want to say that I support your position on the war and feel sorry for people who may end up boycotting the site (or Mark Millar's comics) because of the democratic anti-war stance.
I just also saw this news piece about Micheal Moore's Ooscar winning speech last night.
If you then look at the comments page you can see a really sick view of America. The pro-Moore people are talking normally (measured I think is the term these days) but everyone else is: "Fat Fucking Pig" "Panzy Ass Liberals etcc.." even that he should have been in the WTC.
P.S. Who won the Jae Lee peice? I want to see the answers to the questions as I thought I'd be the only person who got it right :)
No comments needed really as our contributor neatly summed things up. As for the competition, I’ve slept since then!
Mentioning the Oscars, here's a few comments from Peter David I spotted on his site
POLITICS & THE OSCARS
The only thing new about a politically-oriented speech being given on the Oscars is the degree of hostility with which such endeavors are met in this country.
One would think that spirited discussion of the current state of affairs would be greeted with an air of appreciation that we live in a country where such things are not only accepted, but encouraged and protected by our Founding Fathers. But no. Opposition instead is drawn in the most stark and distorted of terms: If you're opposed to Bush's actions, you're in favor of dictators. If you're opposed to the war, you're against the soldiers risking their lives. And heaven help anyone in the entertainment industry who speaks out: They're risking watching their livelihood spiral down the drain.
What a shame we don't live in a country where criticism of the government carries stiff penalties. Where the citizens know better than to speak out. Where the residents fall into line...or else. A country like...I dunno...Iraq.
PAD
On with the show
Click here: The Smoking Gun: Archive MARCH 21--The British Broadcasting Corporation has apologized to the White House for its broadcast Wednesday night of a live Oval Office feed showing President George W. Bush preparing for his speech announcing the start of the Iraqi war. Administration officials are apparently steamed because Bush was seen having his hair primped and readied by a female stylist armed with a comb and hairspray. Below you'll find a screen grab from the BBC feed as well as a 10-second snippet from the unauthorized TV transmission.
Not exactly parody...but heck it's funny
Alan -- I'll take you up on your search for the funniest G.W. parody web site... www.whitehouse.gov I think what strikes me as particularly humorous is that it goes out of it's way NOT to make jokes and caricatures of G.W., but simply lets his own words (and those of his associates) stand on their own. See, take your Michael Moores and Jim Borgmans and Micah Wrights: they can poke fun at G.W. and make their commentaries on how they might disagree with him. That's easy. But the guys and gals at WhiteHouse.gov take a much drier and sophisticated approach: they simply present G.W. as he is. No commentary, just what Bush says. Let it stand on it's own. It's a very subtle approach, and I think one which intelligent people appreciate. Most comedians are taking the easy shots; these guys prove that they don't need to take any shots since G.W. keeps shooting himself in the foot anyway.
Correct me if I'm wrong but isn't this the official Whitehouse website (jeez ironic sarcasm and it's the Brit that nearly missed it)? The joke is Bush himself...
If it makes you feel better, I am an American and love your column, I don't think your Bush comments are allt hat far off. While I do agree that politics should be left out of comic books, the occasional joke is a wonderful thing and the fact is that George W. Bush is not an elected official, he lost the majority vote only to win by Electoral College and a fucked up Florida counting, the same state his brother "Jeb" (how delightfully redneckian eh?) is the governor and turned away legitimate voters in droves because of various reasons, mostly because they were not Bush supporters. All this war serves us is getting up Bush's approval rating to "daddy-like" proportions, and even then Daddy lost to Slick Willy, allowing the nation to prosper for 8 years only to throw us back into the same state we were in when Daddy was in office. No Bush isn't an elected official, he is a default official created by a system designed 200 years ago as a deterrent to the back woodsy mentality of colonial America and to keep the slave (ie. Black) vote down. It is about as out of date as an Atari 2600. RANT RANT RANT
Thanks
All this fine work that you've been doing digging up salacious rumours and scandal have not moved me to write to you before. But... Mention Ol' Double-ya! and I just can't resist.
Here's a funny (made me laugh anyway... And cry) so hope you like it:
Brilliant, a full on parody of a news site, very well done, very funny and quite hard hitting in places
Those are the ones for you to consider. HUGE thank you to everyone for all their positive comments. I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to all of you yet by email yet but I was deeply touched and I very much appreciate your words.
Huzzah! The columns all done and it's still early! I've time to give Bruce a shower, get dressed and head off to Automattics in Corsham for my weekly comics, hurray!
K.O.
disclaimer: The views expressed by Alan Donald are the product of a deranged mind and thus put him beyond prosecution everywhere except Texas (where he'd be made governor).
