Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
Hey, it’s a little late in coming but we have a winner! What’s that you say…. A winner? I thought it was going to be various winners. Well, so did I but then again I’m making this up as I go along. Since he didn’t tell me to shroud his name in secrecy, and since this is really all about ego, I assume that I can tell you who the big winner is! It is…
…
How’s that anticipation?
…
…
…
Killing you yet?
…
…
…
Almost there…
…
…
It’s Edward H. Bart IV. See, I figure he must be rich to be a IV and all so if I let him win maybe he’ll write me into his will and I can spend even more time growing my ass to the exact dimension of my couch and reading comical books! Edwardo won because his entry went above and beyond the call of duty, crafting an entire column rather than just the one round! And since I am the lazy bastard I mentioned, it makes it that much easier. But don’t lose hope just yet! This exercise was so much fun, I’ve had another brainstorm. How about we do regular ‘Homegrown’ Rounds! As I receive them, I will insert them into the column. We could have the readers select which Round was homegrown and then both the reader who guessed right and the winning ‘round’ can win a prize!
What’s that, I forgot to mention the prize? Yeah, Edward didn’t know about it either but look what he did. I have for Mr. Bart IV a copy of the Bizarro Comics SC, because I’m not scrimping for the hardcover. Benefits of BEING a retailer (heehee). Drop me another email with your addy and I’ll send it along, Edwardo. And now without further ado…
The comedy stylings of Edward H. Bart IV!
In Which I Won the Contest (But Does that Really Make me a Winner?) by Edward H. Bart IV
“Well, if j.hues can do it, obviously anyone can!” me.
Pre-Match Hype
Well since the venereal ah, I mean, venerable j.hues is otherwise occupied, I’ll be your sarcastic host today. No, I don’t know why he’s occupied, but I think I heard him mutter something about needing to ‘cross index his 5 volume (300 pages each) set that details his master plan for the revival of the Ultraverse.’ Come on, j. I write Star Trek fan fic, but I know better than to harbor any hopes that any of my stories will be turned into official product. Hey- just saying, man.
Anyhoo, let me tell you a little about myself. My name’s Eddie. Okay, that’s enough of that. On with the artificially contrived column format of a ‘match.’
Round One
How ‘bout starting off with some jabs? Let’s look over at the news on the right-hand column at Silver Bullet Comics. ‘New Namor Art Revealed, Rumors Addressed.’ Oh, good, now we can find out just why Bill Jemas has such a jones for a wet, half-naked fishman. Aw... it’s just more on the Larocca stuff. BO-ring. Heck, when the venial, I mean venerable (this joke is gonna get old fast... see- I’m sticking to j.hues’ style!) j.hues devotes a round to the hoopla surrounding Sal’s travails, you know the goose is cooked. I think I’m starting to veer off into Dan Rather territory now...
Eh. Moving on. Vampirella trading cards. Please, please for all that’s holy and decent- STOP with the cards! We KNOW they ainıt collectible at all! I have a box full of Marvel Universe and DC Universe trading cards, along with Batman the Movie cards, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle cards, etc. etc. All they’re good for is to show first graders the product of manıs rape of the forests of the world. Well... I can think of one good thing to say about the Vampirella trading cards. Eminently portable porn. And Amanda Conner artwork (Not that the two are related, but she did do PRO). Okay that’s two things. (Simmer down, Iım not gonna toss in the prerequisite Python reference. I know you were expecting the Spanish Inquisition. Oh dammit.)
Speaking of portable porn, check out the new cheesecake artists now on Birds of Prey. Wow, this is a giant step forward (or backwards? I can’t tell) for portrayals of female characters. At least we’ve got Gail Simone behind the reins. Sheıs funny. She’s smart. She’s a she. And we know from KILLER PRINCESSES that she can toss in period jokes like nobody’s business! “Black Canary, on your way back, could you pick up a couple extra-absorbent for me? Thanks, girlfriend!” “The ones with wings, Babs?” “With bat-wings! Ha-ha-ha-ha!” Oooh-wheee! Can’t wait!
Round Two
I think I got my game on... let’s keep going. “Search for THE ARCHIES.” Damn you, American Idol! Now there’s a talentwide search for the Archies, and ancillary characters such as Mr. Weatherbee and Mrs. Grundy et al. I shudder to think about the various methods Archie wanna-bes will use to get the arrested-adolescent’s signature checkerboard hairstyle.
While we’re on this subject, Stan Lee’s heading up a “Superhero” search. The winner will become a comic book character in one of Stan’s books- you know- the ones that we don’t see in stores. At least this event will help answer the burning question- how do you avoid a lumpy crotch? Well one solution obviously would be to be a female, but no, I’m referring to the dreaded male superhero tights dilemma. There’s always a cup. Or the Tuck-In method, used by transvestites everywhere. But most trannies don’t have to fight supervillains, and I kinda doubt the Tuck-In method will hold up in the midst of a righteous ass-kicking. Lord knows, no superhero wants their justice rod to accidentally slip out. Oh the humanity! Plus that could always lead to the inevitable analysis of the homoerotic relationship between the hero and the villain. (Unless the villain happens to be female. Then it’s all good. But then again, the hero’s beating up a girl! Ah, let’s just do what Jeph Loeb did with Bats and Cats, have them smooch. Problem solved! Would you want to waste Jim Lee’s pencils on men fighting men only? Jim Lee! The guy who drew Invisible Woman in the most come-hither pose, on her hands and knees, with her applecheeked bottom pertly turned up into the air, with the Thing and Mr. Fantastic behind her! That Jim Lee!)
Round Three
I just realized I probably missed the deadline for turning this in because the contest was announced yesterday. Hell with it. Let’s get a couple more punches before the bell.
Check out the new League of Extraordinary Gentlemen poster! Look at that nice and shiny X prominently displayed! Gotta have that X! A comic book based movie with an X will make money! Look at X-Men! Herein ends your lesson in Studio Executive Logic.
Speaking of x’s, I’d like to give a shout out to my ex-gf. [expletive deleted] you, you [deleted] [deleted] [deleted] [whoa, I never heard of that one before] [spelling corrected, then deleted] girl!
And what’s with that display stand for X2 in movie theaters? First thing I thought was Saving Private Ryan 2? Looks like one of those anti-tank thingies (see, I watch the History Channel a lot!), or an asterisk given three-dimensionality. Lets just hope the characters get some of that three-dimensionality in the movie.
K.O. (although it looked kind of funny. He just went down and took out his mouthpiece. Ah well. Whatyagonnado?)
Post-Match Interview I’d like it to be known I love all those I dug at in this column. Gail, Jeph, Amanda, and j hisself. Like the saying goes- you only hurt the ones you love.
In my defense, it is a TEN-volume 500 pages apiece dissertation on why the Ultraverse was so disserviced and how it alone could revive the industry! And it will happen! Well, it could happen. Okay, maybe not, but at least I get to talk about it here whenever I want to. See you back here next Wednesday.
Oh and drop by the RWTP Boards and let Mr. Bart IV know what you thought of his inaugural piece! Is he the funniest thing since Lee Iacocca? Maybe? U-DECIDE!
Feel sucker punched?! Get your revenge at the Down For The Count message forum.
