Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“We should all love one another… unless you’re fat… or you smell… or you’re dumb… or you believe something different than me… or you look different… or you talk funny… or you dress poorly… or you don’t have any money… or you’re socially awkward… or you have acne… but you know other than that we need to remember to love our fellow man.” --mankind (deep down inside)
PRE-MATCH HYPE
Well it’s here. But it’s not here, per se. The promised interview with the fine folks behind the forthcoming Spirit of the Amazon is in the can and posted at this very site. But were I to run it here in RWTP, there wouldn’t be any room for my brilliance. Which would improve the column a fair site but ye won’t be gettin’ off that lucky me laddies and lassies. For all the gooey details just follow the link over to here. And when you’re done come on back (or don’t – I get credit for the hit either way. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!) and see what else is shaking!
ROUND 1
I don’t know how reliable this is, but that never stopped me before so let’s run with it. Apparently Spider-Man’s Tangled Web has been given the axe with #22 being the final issue. And yet another anthology-style book bites the dust. And it was even a Legends of the Dark Knight type of anthology that could lure readers in with Spider-Man’s name. Well at least that was the case until such projects as Spider-Man’s Get Kraven proved to fans that Marvel was willing to put Spidey’s name on ALL of their books if they thought it would help them sell. Spider-Man’s Thunderbolts: In the first issue, Spider-Man hangs upside down from a lightpost as the villains run by and doesn’t appear again for another five issues. Why not?
So damaging the good selling power of Spidey’s name hurt it. But you know what else I think hurt it? The one-shot storytelling format. Legends hangs in there because it is almost always story arcs. Most anthology series that do the one-off format just don’t make it in America. We’re too indoctrinated into the serial format. So we think, eh it’s just one story and it’s not essential to the continuity so I don’t really need it. Plus, there’s not that n-n-neeeeed to pick up the next installment to see what happens next. This is what creates the comics addiction that mainstream comics USA survives on. The comic books are our Pokemon… ‘Gotta catch ‘em all!’
“Hey, you’re still reading that book. Heh, I remember when I used to borrow those back in grade school. Still as good as I remember?”
“Nah, it pretty much sucks now.”
“Then why do you still get it?”
At this point fan boy’s eyes start to bulge and he starts to sweat. Clutching the book tightly he bounds off down the street shouting “Gotta collect ‘em all! Gotta collect ‘em all!”
It’s a sad world sometimes innit?
ROUND 2
Mark Alessi announced this week that he would be eating the children of Bill Jemas before the summer was through. In a bold announcement made at this past weekend’s convention, Alessi made the following claims (I have truncated his speech a bit for space considerations as well as moral reasons and for fear of the children).
“Marvel Comics is run by a bunch of pandering idiots. If they’re not firmly entrenched in Bill Jemas’ ass they’re trying to pull someone out so they can fit up there.”
“Bill Jemas is the Antichrist.”
“Blade is an insult to black people all over the world. So is Cage. They talk urban and street and that’s just wrong. Obregon Kaine is the greatest creation this side of Ronald McDonald.”
“Comics that are mature are stupid. All comics should be made appropriate for children of all ages.”
“What’choo gonna do, Bill Jemas, when Murderin’ Mark Alessi and his 10” pythons go WILD all over you!”
“I’m smarter than Bill Jemas. I’m smarter than any of you. I may be smarter than Bill Gates, and I’m definitely smarter than yo’ mama!”
“Wait, what I’m not done yet. Get your hands off of me, McMahon! I’m coming after you next. All of you! Sigils rule! Sigils—“
At that point the microphone was wrangled from Mr. Alessi’s grip and his handlers were able to calm him down by dousing his face in water a couple of times. After a few moments, Bart Sears and Barbara Kesel draped a robe over his shoulders and gently guided him out of the facility.
Bill Jemas’ response was: “…”
ROUND 3
I have managed to piece together from the original Spanish the very personal and revealing diaries of Salvador Larroca. Following are some excerpts which I feel could be the definitive explanation for what is going on with this whole Namor thing. Bear in mind that I translated these to the best of my ability, but I may have gotten his tone a little mixed up in the translation.
“AM SO HAPPY WITH THE X-MEN AND THE DRAWING AND THAT NO INKER IS MUCKING UP MY PRETTY PICTURES. THE WORDS OF MY MOTHER ARE STRONG IN MY HEART AND IT MAKES ME WEEPY TO LOVE HER TODAY FOR IT IS HER BIRTHDAY AND I HAVE CALLED HER TO TELL HER THAT SHE IS IN MY HEART FOR ALWAYS.
BUT THEN THE PHONE GOES CLICKY AND SOMEONE IS THERE IT IS BILL JEMAS WHO IS BEING THE PRESIDENT OF MARVEL COMICS AND MY BOSS AND HE TELLS ME THAT I AM BEING TO DRAW A NEW NAMOR THAT HE IS TO WRITE BECAUSE SOME GIRLY WHO WAS DRAW NAMOR WAS DRAW LIKE A FOUR-YEAR OLD CHILD WITH NO ARMS OR FEET AND HAS TO PUT PENCIL IN BUTT-HOLE TO DRAW THE PAGES.
I TELL MY MOTHER I HAVE TO GO BECAUSE THE BOSS IS TELLING ME THE SORRY NEWS AND I TELL BILL THAT I LIKE TO DRAW X-MEN IF IT MEANS NOT TO DRAW THE FISHY MAN THAT I DO NOT LIKE.
HE TELLS ME THAT IF I LIKE TO WORK AT MARVEL THEN I LIKE TO DRAW NAMOR AND I TELL HIM THAT THIS MAKES ME NOT HAPPY AND HE SAYS UNEMPLOYMENT WILL MAKE ME MORE UNHAPPY. AFTER HE HANG UP ON ME I CRY FOR MANY MINUTES AND THEN GO ONLINE TO SPANISH FORUM TO TALK TO MY FRIENDS ABOUT THIS TURN OF EVENTS.”
“TODAY I TALK TO BILL WHO TELLS ME THAT THE BASTARD OF COMICS RICH JOHNSTON HAS SAID THAT I AM A BAD MAN AND THAT I DON’T WANT TO WORK FOR MARVEL ANYMORE AND THAT HE WILL HAVE TO FIRE ME BECAUSE OF THE HURTFUL THINGS I SAID ABOUT HIS PERSON AND HIS CHARACTER OF NAMOR.
I CALLED UP JOE QUESADA AND TOLD HIM THAT I LIKE TO WORK FOR MARVEL AND I ENJOY THAT NO INKER IS TO RUIN MY BEAUTIFUL ARTWORK ON X-TREME X-MEN AND HE SAYS THAT THE ARTIST ON NAMOR WAS DRAWING LIKE POOP AND THAT IT IS TO BE PUSHED BACK BUT THAT I HAVE TO START DRAWING IT NOW BECAUSE THE CONTRACT SAYS THAT I HAVE TO DO WHATEVER HE SAYS LIKE I AM HIS SLAVE. I DID NOT KNOW THAT I SIGNED UP TO BE A SLAVE BUT HE SAYS IT IS RIGHT THERE IN ENGLISH WHICH I NO SPEAK TOO WELL.”
“BILL TELLS ME TO DO AN INTERVIEW AND TO SAY THAT I LIKE THE NAMOR AND THAT IF I DON’T SAY IT HE TELLS ME HE HAS MY MOTHER AND THAT I LOVE HER AND SHE WILL HURT IF I DO NOT SAY THAT I LOVE THE NAMOR AND WANT TO DRAW IT WITH MY PRETTY PENCILS. I SAY TO NOT HURT MY MOTHER BECAUSE SHE IS MY MOTHER WHO I LOVE AND HE SAY TO ONLY SAY NICE THINGS ABOUT HOW I ASKED TO DO NAMOR AND HOW EXCITED I AM ABOUT IT, SO I SAY THESE THINGS SO THAT MY MOTHER WILL NOT TO THE DIRT BE NAPPING OR THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN WITH CONCRETE IN HER SHOES BE WITH THE FISHES SWIMMING.”
“I HAVE DONE THE INTERVIEW AND AM DIRTY FEELING. NOW I HAVE TO GO AND EXPLAIN AWAY THE PRIVATE TALKS I HAD WITH MY SPANISH FRIEND BECAUSE OF RICH JOHNSTON AND HIS BAD SPANISH TO ENGLISH DICTIONARY AND HOW I LOVE THE STUPID NAKED MAN WITH THE WINGS ON HIS ANKLES AND HOW I AM HAPPY TO DRAW FOR A BOOK THAT SELLS SO LITTLE COPIES AND STOP ON A BEST-SELLING TITLE FOR MARVEL BECAUSE MY CONTRACT SAYS IN IT SOMEWHERE ABOUT ME BEING SOMEOBODY’S BITCH. I NEED TO GET A TRANSLATOR FOR THESE SIGNINGS OF THIS SORT.
SO NOW I AM TO DRAW THE FISH NAMOR AND SAY THAT I LIKE IT OR MY MOTHER WILL FACE THE LONG WALK ALONE AND I HAVE NOT SEEN MY DOGGIE TODAY BUT I GOT A MESSAGE FOR THE PHONE THAT HAS HIS BARKING AND I AM WORRIED THAT I HEAR THEY ARE WANTING THE NAMOR PAGES TO BE PRETTY DRAWN PERHAPS TWO A MONTH SOON. IT IS NOT HAPPY TO BE SALVADOR TODAY BUT THE MONEY IS WHAT IT IS AND I CANNOT BE A SLAVE FOREVER IF I CAN TAKE THESE ENGLISH COURSES THAT I HAVE SIGNED UP FOR I CAN TELL MR. BILL JEMAS TO SHOVE IT UP HIS ASS AND IT WILL BE SO MUCH FUN. THAT DAY I AM LOOKING GREAT FORWARD TO.”
I did the best I could with the translation and his poor handwriting and the fact that I took German and Latin as foreign languages. So that is my approximation based on my vague memories of the Spanish I learned from Grover and Big Bird. Personally, I think I did a pretty good job and I just hope that people can stop invading this man’s privacy and let him do his work in peace. After all, no one dislikes what they do for or at Marvel. Marvel is comics mecca. If you hear otherwise from a creator, then DC paid them to say that because they’re just jealous. At least that’s how Bill explained it to me.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
