Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“Did you hear the rumor about j.hues getting tapped to take over Uncanny X-Men.” --anonymous (… okay, it’s me but come on. It SHOULD happen!)
PRE-MATCH HYPE
Brandon has a fascinating and intriguing interview with the funniest lady in comics this week. Her name is Gail Simone and she started out in this industry by writing a comics-related column before she was asked to pitch to Marvel on Deadpool. And yet, some other people who’ve been writing columns for YEARS aren’t yet broken in (although I think Augie is quite content where he is). Meanwhile, Rich Johnston, formerly of SBC and now hanging his digs all over the net, has been conducting an interview (and I use that term in the loosest possible interpretation known to mankind) with Marvel EIC Joe Quesada over at your friend and mine, the Dynamic Forces website who indicates Rich is bitter and jaded that he hasn’t been accepted by Marvel yet (this is Joe indicating this and not Dynamic Forces, who are right jolly old chaps because they sponsor our very own rumor-mongering column that is somehow written by someone other than me (no offence and a cheerio to YOU Alan)), though he has been asked to and has pitched from time to time (and by he I mean Rich and by asked to I mean by Marvel whom he has pitched to). Got it?
Furthermore, in Rich’s latest column he talks about the latest rumors relating to Marvel’s upcoming Epic line and how apparently Marvel is interested in shaping the future careers of many of our young comics fans, and particularly members and columnists of the comics press, citing the aforementioned Brandon by name, along with Barb Cooper (frequent contributor to our own ‘The Mostly Park Show’) and a whole slew of comics columnists across the web who’ve apparently been invited to pitch to Marvel for their new Epic line.
Well I can tell you right here and now that there is no way this rumor is true, because if they were looking to the comics press for the next Brian Millar Bendis they would’ve asked me. And they didn’t. So it’s all a wicked wicked lie by that meany-pants Rich Johnston who’s only doing it because he’s so mean and bitter that he’s not writing Marville #7. That’s right bucko! I’m on to you!
Either that or… no one wants me…
…
Nah, Johnston is a just a bitter and jaded hack who’s upset that Marvel has selected a gorilla from deep in the jungles of Africa who doesn’t speak English and has never stepped foot out of the jungle habitat he calls home and is therefore unaware of civilization, as it were, and yet was still able to turn in the most heart-wrenching and hilarious pitch Marvel had ever received for the continuing adventures of the comic book that is looking to unravel the mysteries of the universe, all the while hiding under the veneer of soft porn. The pitch was received on bark. In hieroglyphics. And apparently was misdirected by the Postal Service as it was ATTN: Jane Goodall. And personally, on an entirely unrelated note, I think my phone number has been misdirected or disconnected because I keep missing those calls, Joe.
Voice From Above: Perhaps it’s because you’re not funny and you have no talent.
Hmmm. Interesting theory… I’m going with the gorilla.
ROUND 1
Surprising happenings at a DC Press Conference with Dan Didio today. In talking about the sold out status of H-E-R-O #1, Didio confirmed that DC has no intention of reprinting the comic at this time.
“We may,” he further stated, “At some point down the road create a special edition, a ‘Marvel—er, DC Demands’ edition of H-E-R-O #1 where we can reprint it along with some other exciting titles fans may have missed for a low, low price of only $5.99. For example, H-E-R-O #1 could be reprinted with Forever Maelstrom #1 and Suicide Squad #12. Both of these titles were largely under-ordered and appreciated when they first came out and we feel they would be well-received by H-E-R-O fans. This way we give the fans what we want without damaging the inflated back issue market to give the fans the illusion that we are great!”
When asked about what other plans he had for the DCU under his reign, Didio indicated a bold initiative and dedication to the popular (and expensive!) Archives collections. “To popular demand, we hope to start bringing more modern stories into this exciting format. Seminal works by industry luminaries such as the current creative team on Batman deserve this high-quality treatment. In fact, we feel that regular trade paperbacks are an insult to the collector’s among our fans, and so we will be disbanding this entire division of DC Comics. In it’s place, the Archives will be ready to publish ALL of DC’s fine library of titles. To offset the increase in cost, these volumes will be increased in price to a still very friendly $79.95.”
After the fervor died down, a chubby guy in the front row who honestly looked like he was wearing a fake beard and I think those were Groucho Marx glasses asked Mr. Didio: “How do you plan to deal with the strong competition you’ve been getting from Marvel Comics. I mean, let’s face it they’re dominating you in every aspect of this industry?”
Didio looked inquisitive for a moment before beginning his response: “We admit that Marvel is a superior company and product. In fact, I intent immediately to try and steal all of their talented creators so I can fire all the losers currently working here—“
At this point, insanity broke loose as a giant bucket filled with tar fell on the DCU Executive, followed immediately by a shower of feathers. Four teenagers jumped on stage and immediately tackled Mr. Didio to the ground. Tugging at his face, a mousey girl in glasses shouted, “This isn’t Dan Didio at all!” With a huzzah! a mask was removed. “It’s Marvel President Bill Jemas!” exclaimed a blonde preppy dude. “But why?!”
At that moment the chubby reporter from the front row was trying to sneak out only to be roughly knocked down by a pouncing great dane! In the fall, he lost the beard revealing the veneer of Joe Quesada underneath.
“Bah!” he was heard to exclaim, “And we would’ve gotten away with it too if it hadn’t been for you meddlesome kids.” At that moment the dog, still sitting on his chest, barked. “And you’re damned dog, too. Get this beast off of me!”
And so, no one knows at this point what to believe about DC Comics’ future.
ROUND 2
The big story in Wizard: The Comics Magazine today is that Batman creative team of Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee have agreed to stick around an extra six months after their initial twelve issues. This is great news for DC as it means they’ll have a book that’s selling well for at least another half of a year. Of course, the rest of the books will continue to squander around at 50,000 and considerably less in sales, but the aforementioned Didio has some big plans to try and shake that up. Apparently, Adam Pollina offered to make Big Daddy Danger an ongoing series, prompting Didio to say, “that things still being published.”
“Yes sir, it’s a nine-issue mini-series.”
“Jeez, what’s the next issue coming out.”
“Issue eight I believe. Says here it ships next week.”
“Well then, now it’s an EIGHT-issue mini-series!”
Now that’s what I call getting results! You know, Dan, Forever Maelstrom is still going…
ROUND 3
Ah, memories of my youth. It was announced that plans were afoot to bring Cracked Magazine back to prominence, and a monthly schedule. This best of the parodies of MAD even managed to out-perform the original in terms of zaniness and outright entertainment, in the humble opinion of myself, who as it turns out is in fact the single greatest authority on quality!
You see, the problem with MAD nowadays is, I think, a direct result of it being owned by DC Comics/AOL/Time/Warner and whoever the hell else is part of that mega-conglomerate. Like DC Comics it’s all kind of ‘so what’ to quote a certain British talent judge.
Not necessarily bad, but MAD is supposed to be subversive, cutting edge and just this side of having the government and advocacy groups burn down the building and throw ‘The Usual Gang of Idiots’ into the slammer, or Arkham Asylum. But it’s all just kind of watered down now. Tame and silly. Nothing shocking or unexpected really.
So I hope the folks behind the new and improved Cracked can see the cracks in the niche MAD is filling and go crazy! They can’t consider it a success until the magazine has been banned by at least twenty school districts and the state of Texas!
ROUND 4
Wouldn’t it be fun if comics had ‘sweeps’ periods like television. So we could have our equivalent of all the crap the networks sling at us during February and November in comic book format. Just Imagine:
Neverland - A small child is diagnosed with inoperable cancer, but rather than die, he is transported to the mythical Neverland. Under the watchful eye of ‘The Noseless Caretaker’ a mysterious pale-skinned guardian who oversees all the children at the Ranch, this young girl learns the true meaning of life… and death. Exclusive behind-the-scenes footage of ‘The Caretaker’ taking care of all of the little children, including pornographic sequences we could only call ‘tucking them in’ and ‘giving them milk and cookies.’ Rated XXX for Mature Readers and Immature Teenage Boys only!
When Sidekicks Attack! - With the cancellation of both YJ and TT, sidekicks new and old go into a furious rage. After all, Batman has four monthlies! See all the fists-flying action as Impulse, Robin, Wonder Girl, Nightwing, Donna Troy, Arsenal and all of the rest unite to take down their mentors in the JLA!
Joe Spandex - Take twenty gorgeous women and send them to a Chateau in the French Alps where they will get to meet and woo a famous superhero, behind the mask? Could it be Superman, Batman, Spider-Man. They won’t know until in the final episode. But what YOU will know from the beginning is that our Joe Spandex is actually a fry order cook for The Waffle House. See how far these women will go to win their very own superhero!
Bitches in Heat! - Female dogs looking for some hot action! And America will decide which goes home with Krypto. Look for a second version starring Streaky the Super-Cat next fall!
The Osborns - Watch as we take our camera crews into the personal lives of Norman Osborn and family! You’ll be just as shocked as we were at what we uncovered while there. And while our camera crew didn’t make it out alive, we’ve managed to retrieve some of the film shot. Coming to you live from an undisclosed location in the Southern Hemisphere, this five episode mini-series is a ‘Must See!’
COPS Special: Supervillains! - This action-packed issue features real encounters by real law enforcement agents with real honest to god supervillains. Many of whom you’ve never heard of until now. After all, if the real cops can take ‘em down they’re probably not worth even Elongated Man’s time. Villains to watch out for here are ‘Toaster Man’ who has manged to weld a toaster to his hand, from which he fires flaming pieces of bread at his opponents. A fire hose mopped him up. Also look for ‘Goldfish Gadfry,’ ‘Monkeys-Fly-Out-Of-My-Ass Lad,’ ‘The Baroness Brassiere’ and ‘Paste-Pot Pete!’ All villains have agreed to have their stories presented here with their images intact in the hopes that it will raise their profile. At one point, ‘Gadfry’ breaks down crying because he says Speedball bounced right by him while he was in the middle of a ‘crime spree.’
POST-MATCH WRAP-UP
Look for the NW Studios extravaganza next week. I sent them a whole slew of questions about their premiere issue, their future, the company, etc. and due to the language barrier and the need to get the whole creative team involved they’ve asked for an extra week to respond. And I put in some tough questions that they’ve promised to answer so I look forward to seeing what they have to say. I’ve gotten a chance to look at a preview of the first issue of Spirit of the Amazon, their forthcoming debut issue, solicited in today’s Previews on page 316. They’ve got a nice half-page ad on this page and even sprung for a full page ad on page 3 of the catalogue! That’s a way to draw attention to themselves! A much improved effort over their previous solicitations.
Now if they could just reveal that the main character is gay, the entire world would take notice. Actually, this is kind of a more serious Captain Planet. Okay not really, the only real comparison is that this property, like the good Captain before it, appears to be very ecologically aware, and a large focus on it is the preservation of the environment. Quite frankly, considering it’s coming out of Brazil where they are watching the destruction of the Amazonian rain forests occurring at record speeds and the extinction of hundreds of species, it isn’t a really big surprise that ecology would be important.
The art in this preview issue is top-notch, carrying a somewhat classic nineties Image look, but without the over-reliance on dramatic poses. Many of the principal characters from the cover have yet to be introduced, or so it appears, and there is a ton going on, so much that I’m not really clear on who is who and how everyone relates to one another, but like many first issues I can expect (hope for) this to get cleared up in future installments.
While it’s not maybe as accessible as one would hope for a premiere issue, the only thing I can think is that they’re maybe trying to give us too much information here. Perhaps if they instead focused on a few of the developing plotlines and introduced a strong handful of characters, only to add to the cast in subsequent chapters. This way it is deceptively clear at the beginning only to grow in complexity (kind of like that Robert Jordan series started out about three punk kids in a little village and now it’s about 7,629 main characters in 71 locales with 83 separate and distinct plotlines that occasionally interweave). It’s overwhelming to jump into the middle of but the expansion was so natural that one who reads it from the beginning isn’t even slightly confused. I would suggest an approach more like that one for this new property as everything is being introduced here. Perhaps it is the frequent scene shifts (often one per page) that were a bit overwhelming, but after two read-throughs I still don’t feel that I am 100% on the same page as the creators.
Voice From Above: Perhaps it’s actually because you’re an idiot.
Hmmm. Now that I can agree with!
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
