Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“For the love of god, we’ll do whatever you want! We’ll let all the inspectors come in! We’ll open our borders! Dismantle everything! You want to annex the country? Free trade? Just tell us what you want? Please.” --Iraqi Government
“You see how uncooperative they’re being. They’re forcing our hands. In the face of this evil we have no choice but to launch a full-out war on Iraq.” --United States Government
“Uh… what?” --United Nations
“What about Bin Laden?” --The American People
“Who? Oh. Right. Well. Uh…” --United States Government
PRE-MATCH HYPE
Spent most of the last week very, very under the weather with a conglomeration of illnesses I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemies, or even John Byrne—well unless he announced Lab Rats Version 2.0! It was only the five weeks worth of comics reading catching up to do that kept me sane (except when the headaches and pain were too much too read—then you had a crabby columnist let me tell you!!). Nevertheless, I am coming closer to caught up, currently running three weeks behind on my comics reading goodness, and looking forward to such ‘new releases’ as Dominion #1, The Clock Maker #1, My Monkey’s Name Is Jennifer #6 (which is apparently the last issue for awhile, which is a damn shame—though at six issues there’s enough for a nice little TPB collection now to raise this fantastically perverse series’ profile) and even the last issue of Marville. Last week’s comics promise more goodies and then there’s this week’s plethora of comic goodness. So if I sound a little dated, now you know why. And if I sound a little congested, I’m still chasing the last vestiges of this abominable blow-man down.
ROUND 1
The Daredevil flick came out and blasted some records (though nothing like Spider-Man did). Haven’t seen the thing yet as I spent my Valentine’s Day refusing food and wishing for the calming and pain-free embrace of death, but when would I let a little thing like that stop me from reviewing it? Thus, I bring you the official ‘Punches Review’ of Daredevil: The Movie.
I thought the costumes looked a little ridiculous, the dialogue was a little cheesy at times and the fight scenes were overly acrobatic and uninspiring. Duncan was fantastic as the Kingpin and stole the screen whenever he was on it, and Garner was stunning as Elektra. Affleck was an interesting choice for DD, not as unusual as Keaton for Batman but unexpected nonetheless. He proved quite adept at playing Matt Murdock and adequate in the tights. Bullseye was a bit corny for my tastes. I’m sure it will warrant a sequel, but it runs pretty much as one would expect in comparison to the likes of Batman, Spider-Man and Superman. DD’s a B-List character so his movie could only be expected to pull in numbers of a B-List caliber.
Damn, you know it’s a helluva lot easier to review something when you don’t bother to read or watch it. Let’s see. I found the new Are You Hot? television special to be completely deplorable and disgusting. Completely devoid of any of the heart and humanity that made such spectacles as Who Wants to Marry A Multi-Millionaire? and Man Versus Beast instant FOX classics. The only good news is that they are finding American’s with hot bodies, so maybe these folks would look good in spandex and could play comic book super-heroes in bad movies once the inevitable Batman and Robin is produced to kill the current successful comics movies phase. They may even be able to star in the Batman and Robin-style film when it comes out! Complete with rubber nipples.
ROUND 2
I’d be afraid to work for DC right about now. You could announce your vacation one day and then find out that your last day before your relaxing vacation is your last day… period! The latest ‘DC Explosion’ occurred only this time it didn’t have anything to do with imploding their comics line, though that may be coming next, but rather an imploding of the editorial structure behind the DCU titles and even a change in command at the top (no, not Paul Levitz top, we all know that the skies would have to be crimson and raining ash before the almighty would ever step down). Dan Didio is now holding the reigns of the DCU. Lots of other names have shuffled around but the details are lost in my fog of apathy.
What does this mean to the rest of us? Probably nothing much. Is it worth getting all excited and worked up about? Probably not. Will DC suddenly realize that they have the most famous characters in the world backed by one of the entertainment industry juggernauts and really make something of themselves? Probably not. So again, should we care? Nope. Do we? Nope.
And yet, some professionals seem to be crying that it’s an outrage that we’re not worked up more about this? Why? No matter what happens at the top down to the bottom as far as who’s in charge and who’s making the calls, nothing ever changes at DC. Not the editorial stance. Not the quality of the titles. Not the marketing approach. Hell, not even the paper quality or the solicitations section in Previews. DC is stagnant. Smallville is the #1 show on the WB and they specifically use it to sell music CDs, with a special mention of the songs used in ‘tonight’s episode’ and yet they don’t even have a single commercial or mention of the comics this whole thing is based on? Why? Because DC just doesn’t care about the comics. And Warner Brothers doesn’t care about the comics. And that’s the problem with DC. They don’t care. So we don’t care.
Maybe comics fans aren’t as dumb as you think. You think?
ROUND 3
On the opposite end of the spectrum, Marvel Comics is really going crazy with this Tsunami thing. And all of these new titles are ongoing. Looks like they’re challenging DC for quantity as well as quality now. Will it work? Will ‘Marvel fan’ or comics fan in general support a sudden almost doubling of Marvel titles in two short months? Can comics fan’s wallet afford to? Will Marvel’s mid to low-tier existing titles suffer in relation to this? It will be interesting to see the fallout.
And the most important question? Will anybody really think these things have anything in common to the manga mentalities that supposedly inspired them? What would’ve been a really neat idea to really push the envelope would’ve been for Marvel to publish a 200+ page Tsunami anthology series in glorious black and white featuring all of these properties and creators. In continuity! Perhaps even in the smaller ‘Travelers’ size for less than ten dollars. There’s a unique publishing initiative from an industry leader. They would feature ALL NEW material and truly test this possible packaging format.
Or they could throw a dozen three dollar pamphlets at the wall and see if any of them besides Human Torch and Venom have what it takes to shock the industry and actually stick. You know, the same thing they’ve been doing for decades. How many quarter bins must be filled with Marvel 2099, Marvel Tech, Strange Tales, Epic Comics’ Heavy Hitters, New Universe, MC2, Ultraverse (let’s face it, it wound up as another bad imprint of Marvel), Star Comics, Alterniverse, must I go on! If it is born as an imprint then it dies as an imprint and all titles associated with it die with it. Only MAX, Knights and Ultimate Marvel are hanging in there, and MAX and Knights are bleeding as imprints that people believe in.
And with Tsunami on-line, someone please explain to me why we need FOUR different imprints for the same superhero universe? I’m so confused. And why is everything Marvel publishes either in the Marvel Universe or an iteration of the Marvel Universe.
I sure hope that some of their forthcoming publishing initiatives can move away from the superhero and the Marvel Universe rut that the publisher is in.
Unless we’re talking about the return of Peter Porker: The Spectacular Spider-Ham. Huzzah! Talk about a dream project! Me and Jeff Smith could knock this thing out the park! Hell, they might not even need me if they get Smith. Change of plan, screw Jeff Smith, he’s got that Shazam! thing and still needs to finish up that little indie project of his. Hell, I’ll do it myself. Cutting edge parody of everything superhero in the inimitable RWTP style! A guaranteed draw for kids, Spider-Fans and those who are both! Huzzah! Oh wait, I already said that.
As with all my other brilliant ideas, I will keep my phone lines open awaiting the phone call from ‘The Bill & Joe Show.’ And proving their complete and total inability to recognize brilliance the phone will remain silent and yet they will continue to publish crap like Spider-Man’s Get Kraven and Marvel Knights (Volumes 1 or 2).
ROUND 4
I was told that the key to comedy is to keep it short and sweet. Maybe that’s why my fiance’s always laughing after…
Oh wait, never mind. That doesn’t have anything to do with comics.
ROUND 5
I do have one question. In flipping through the new The Clock Maker #1 (of 12) from Image Comics, in it’s new ‘twice as big’ format, I was impressed with the unique presentation. But why is it that it just looks like they made everything twice as big, from the art to the font to everything. So it’s not like they took advantage of the larger format to have grander, epic illustrations and layouts. They created a LARGE PRINT version of a comic book.
And while the libraries are always supportive of the LARGE PRINT edition of the popular books for their near blind patrons, was that really the goal of this project? I had to prop the thing up halfway across the room and turn the pages with a yardstick to not hurt my eyes reading the text.
Great plan and it even worked in execution. You stapled the top and folded it in half and it turned out pretty good and opens up pretty well. You just forgot to design your book for this format. Just because you can resize your comic to 200% doesn’t mean you’re cutting edge if you do!
POST-MATCH WRAP-UP
Okay, kiddos. Here’s the deal. NW Studios has this book called Spirit of the Amazon. It’s like Batman-huge in Brazil. This thing outsells everything put out by DC, Image, Dark Horse and all but one title by Marvel Comics. It’s that big! And you’ve never heard of it.
Well, NW is looking to change all of that with the premiere of Spirit of the Amazon here in the US. I’ve gotten my hands on some copies of the first few issues of this new series just today and will be taking a look at them. Next week (or the week after if it can’t get done in time) look for a full-out review of one of the hottest things in the Southern Hemisphere and an interview with the team behind it right here at Punches Central!
Manga was huge in Japan and then it found it’s way to the US and look at it now. Looks like it’s South America’s turn! Look for these titles to solicit soon in the pages of Previews and look for more on this latest comics invasion next week. Same Punches time. Same Punches station.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
