Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“If you feel like you’re being left out of a conversation, just repeat everything the most talkative person is saying until they get frustrated and shut up. Then the table is yours!” --me
PRE-MATCH WARM-UP
In the immortal words of myself: “Look for the shenanigans to start next week when I look at Chiaroscuro #5, Tales from the Lair, Tall Tails: Thieve’s Quest #11, Opposite Forces #2, and Super Hero Happy Hour #1. I appreciate the odds they’re facing and since I bought them, why not help spread the word (good or bad!). Free publicity for them and more diversity in what I read for me.” Damn, I’m brilliant. Do you see how beautifully the one word flows into the next cascading across the page in wondrous harmony reaching the pinnacle of punctuational perfection so that you can pause and savor the delectable morsel of language you have just sampled. Ahem, sorry about that. A little off-topic. Nevertheless, since I promised and since “next week” is now I must come through and in the time since last we spoke, I have read the above books and found much enjoyment (in MOST of them). Let’s break it down!
“Break down, shake down, take down, everybody…” I have no idea where that goes from there but it’s a snippet of a song that will now bombard the crevices of my mind for the rest of the day! First one to name the song wins… Well nothing, because I have no snazzy sponsors to offer up free stuff and I’m just too much of a bastard to part with any of my hard-earned comical books!
Chiaroscuro #5 had me asking myself where was I for the first two installments? Wow was I impressed. From the solid artwork to the engaging dialogue (and this is pretty much a ‘talking heads’ kind of issue) to quite possibly one of the single funniest pages of comic genius I’ve ever read. This is not a comedy series, but rather a series about people. This, and as I have read exactly one issue of this series thus far I consider myself an expert, is the strongest output yet by these young creators and is the type of storytelling that breaks down color barriers and leads to the emancipation of enslaved people across the globe. Well, it’s a good yarn anyway. Bottom line is I am a convert. If the creators are reading this and want to send me free copies of the first two issues I will be indebted to them as I will be buying any and all future issues. Of course, they could send me free copies of those too. As well as any other nice things they have lying around the house. Any original Beatles albums, guys?
Tales from the Lair had no issue number. It was five bucks and looked, from the outside, like an anthology one-shot. And yet, each of the stories within appeared to be the set-up for continuing adventures. While this isn’t a bad thing in itself, some guidance as to WHERE, WHEN and HOW one could find the continuing stories would have been nice. There are three stories here, each one designed to continue (at least it was solicited as #1). The first is a new spin (it says) on the ‘Beauty and the Beast’ storyline. However, the new twist actually detracts, I think, from the strength of the original premise and the story itself rings hollow. Luckily, the other stories stand up a little stronger. Renegade BLU was a little confusing but had some nice potential and Ademus displayed some very nice pencil-work and an otherwise promising start. While the first story wasn’t my cup of tea by any means, the subsequent two have some potential. BLU is sci-fi and Ademus is fantasy and in both installments we are treated to so very little (as they are rather short) that it’s hard to sum up what they’re even about.
This is the biggest problem I have with the book. While it’s nice to have an anthology series, it was only the weakest of the three that managed to tell a satisfying story in the short number of pages allowed for each piece. And by satisfying I mean merely that it satisfied the basic tenets of a short story, not that it was an enjoyable piece. Basically, this little book had some potential, but failed to deliver anything that generates that ‘I gotta see what happens next’ feeling, nor did they create a satisfying ‘done in one.’ Thus, the book is essentially a failure with potential to have been more.
Tall Tails: Thieve's Quest #11 was printed with a very novelistic approach. Down to an internal title page followed by the copyright and publisher information behind it. Squarebound and a pretty nice little package. However, this set up the expectation that even though it was issue 11, I would at least be able to follow what was going on. After all, novel series must be accessible with each installment for newer readers. Alas, this was not the case. It appears as if we have a ‘funny animal’ epic in the making here, and while I enjoyed the art and the diversity of animals represented, I’m afraid that I just felt lost having no idea who these characters were, what their agendas were or where the story was heading. This is a detriment to the monthly format and this book is a shining example of how the serial format can backfire. A casual reader might pick this up, because it looks a good bargain for $3.50, but would be most likely confused and unless the first 10 installments (or a collection) were readily available, they would most likely simply move on. Not necessarily a detraction of the work, but food for thought.
Opposite Forces #2 is another one where I wish I’d snatched up the first copy. Of course, you have to realize that 99% of my local comic shops don’t stock ANY of this kind of stuff, so I have to shop by solicitations in PREVIEWS in advance. No browsing the racks for this old boy. Regardless, I found this to be highly entertaining and the cartoony artwork complimented the light-hearted story perfectly. I am eagerly awaiting future installments and the inevitable meeting between our two erstwhile ‘heroes’ and the superhero who’s powers they inadvertently hijacked. A high-powered driven lawyer and a pathetic fanboy teaming up as superheroes. It’s a great concept presented brilliantly!
And finally, Super Hero Happy Hour #1. After mentioning it a couple of weeks ago before it shipped, the creators contacted me interested in what I thought of it. However, they didn’t offer to send me any free stuff, which is pretty damned depressing. And while I would like to think that I could tell you the book sucks because the creators were a bunch of cheapskates, I just can’t do it. It was actually really good. It’s Cheers for super-heroes, and the heroes introduced here are the classic archetypes (you’ve got your Batman & Robin, your Superman and your Wonder Woman for starters). Of course, they sport different names and outfits but the homage is apparent. Thus, it is a delicious morsel of superhero ‘downtime’ conversations and interactions. It was the cover by C. Scott Morse (and really you should buy EVERYTHING he’s involved with) that drew me to this book, and thus I was pleased to find a Morse-esque (though more angular) approach to the art here. The black-and-whites work brilliantly and some of the dialogue is downright hilarious. I was pleased to see that it will be continuing, as I will be picking up any future installments. And if those cheap bastards send me any free stuff I’ll even say it’s better than The Ultimates.
As I am currently setting up an online business for comics retailing (just imagine getting your comics mail-order from a respectable guy like me (coming soon to a popbuzz.net near you--to get on our mailing list and join the family email at popbuzz.net and tell me how brilliant I am)), I will not be receiving ANY new books for several weeks, thus the previews feature will have to whither and die temporarily unless anybody sends me some free stuff (I'm a persistent stinker ain't I). And cheap. I'm cheap too. Maybe my mailbox is too small and the mailman is just saying ‘screw it’ and taking MY free funnybooks home and reading them. Or worse, using them for kindling! The horror! I’m going to rent a U-HAUL and park it down there and paint my address on the side of it. There should be plenty of room then.
Smokers have ‘the patch’ or Nicorette gum for when they have to quite cold turkey. I want my comics patch dammit! It could be a cool picture of Cap’s shield, or the Batman logo, or better yet I could get a recording of some fanboys in the comics shop talking about how great Wolverine is. A few minutes a day just so I can feel like I’m still a part of this little community. Pray for me.
ROUND 1
Comixisms
You know what’s wrong with the comics industry. It’s not on the minds of anyone outside of the industry. Except for those Hollywood Insiders who are milking us for movies and then taking all the credit. But there’s something we, each and every one of us, can do about that. ‘Keeping Up With the Jones’s’ has become a part of the American lexicon and it started as a comic strip. The Dagwood sandwich is from Blondie. Hell, or own Superman has given us ‘Bizarro,’ as seen in a popular episode of Seinfeld. We need to expand this. Make comics culture WORLD culture. Have people’s mouths dripping with expressions taken from our little industry. It’s easy.
For example:
Instead of “Yeah, he’s a real chatterbox” for someone who just keeps on talking you could say “Who the hell does she think she is, Chris Claremont?” or simply, “She’s a real Claremont.” It gets the same point across and drops a prominent comics creators name in everyday conversation. Let’s try some more.
“Boy, this car turned out to be a real lemon. And the earlier model was such a great vehicle.” Let’s change this one to “Boy, this car is a real The Dark Knight Strikes Again!" See what you did there. We’ve even managed to express TWO sentences worth of dialogue in one quick exchange. It's efficient too.
Let’s try some more substitutions. Feel free to play along at home.
“Don’t be such a baby!” “John Byrne!”
“I can't belive they made a sequel to that. The first one was horrible.” “It was a Marvel Knights Volume 2.”
“That had to be the most boring play ever.” “That play was totally The Titans.”
“Now that has to be the worst idea I’ve ever heard of!” “Now that is the U-DECIDE of ideas!”
“Man, was he screwed over by them!” “He was Kirby’d” (A reference to Jack ‘The King’ Kirby—this one could engage a lively conversation that could lead to you talking about the Golden Age greats and how they all got screwed and while DC and Marvel made billions off of their creations they were digging through other people’s garbage looking for empty SPAM tins to lick.)
“What a pretentious bastard!” “Warren Ellis!”
“Wow! He actually took that mess and made some sense out of it!” “He really pulled a Crisis” or “He’s a real Marv Wolfman.” (Both are references to Crisis on Infinite Earths, written by Mr. Wolfman, in which he took the quagmire that was the DC Universes and smooshed them into one. Continuity was clean and perfect for exactly four days, and then it got all f-ed up again.)
“Well that idea didn’t turn out so great after all.” “Well that was a real ‘Heroes Reborn.’”
“I didn’t think it could be done but you’ve actually outdone the original! This could start a new revolution in (insert professional field here)!” “I didn’t think it could be done, but you’ve really created a ‘Silver Age Flash’ here!”
“Do you think he’s really dead, or could he still be out there?” “Is he Barry Allen and Bucky or could he be every other superhero in comics?”
“You are the biggest boob in the world!” “Bill Jemas!”
“That is so bloody freaking brilliant I bet 99% of people won’t even understand it.” “It’s The Invisibles all over again.”
“It was a really great idea but then it just like totally blew up in our faces.” “It was a real DC Explosion!”
“Please, that isn’t even slightly realistic.” “Please, that is such a Rob Liefeld drawing.”
And finally…
“That has to be the single most horrific piece of crap I have ever laid my eyes upon.” “Oh look, a copy of Lab Rats.” (For the modernists around who forget what shirt they were wearing yesterday and can’t remember this much lauded on*ahem*going series from last year, this can be substituted with the following… “Oh look, a copy of Forever Maelstrom).
So just sprinkle liberally in your conversation and soon we’ll have the whole world talking comics!
ROUND 2
Did all those images from Marvel get you a-titter about the announcements they’re making this week? Are you holding your breath for the next press conference? Are you thrilled that they’re launching like seventeen new series in April and jacking up the price from $2.25 to THREE bucks on thirteen more titles in April? And with their print to order policy that ensure retailers spend more on Marvel upfront do you think they’re trying to take business away from DC, Image and the others? Shrewd or evil? U-DECIDE!
Furthermore, what the hell was up with that Venom picture! I mean my god, his tongue was more out of control than Spawn’s cape! I realize it’s gotten longer and longer over the years since his debut but seriously, what the hell was that? I mean really! Does he use it like Spidey uses his web-lines. He launches his tongue across the city, latching it onto buildings and swinging around by it. Now that, my friends, would be a poster worth buying! Painted by Alex Ross. Gene Simmons could pose for it.
ROUND 3
I’m confused. They made a movie based on the comic The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and now they’re going to make a novelization based on the movie based on the comic. Why? It’s not like the movie is Superman and bastardizes twenty years of comics to create it’s own amalgamation. It’s ‘based on’ the six-issue series. Sure it takes liberties, but what adaptation doesn’t. Why not just put out the ‘movie edition’ of the comic like they did with From Hell. Could you imagine if they’d come out with a novelization of a movie based on the novels of The Lord of the Rings. It’s ludicrous!
Now if there was a comic book that lead to a movie that lead to a book that lead to a television series that lead to a comic book that lead to book adaptations that lead to a line of toys that lead to t-shirts that lead to lunch boxes that lead to an animated series and in twenty years that lead to a revival in the comics industry by Devil’s Due and ultimately to the great scratch-n-sniff sticker/coloring book combinations, then you'd have something. Man, I want those stickers! You can scratch them and they… smell! Of course, eventually the sticker fades and the color is so dull that you can’t be sure if you’re really smelling something or if you’ve completely lost your mind and then it’s just a white shape with off-color blobs and you can’t remember what it ever was and when you try and peel it off of your plastic notebook it leaves that sticky residue which gets on your fingers for the next three months until it’s so encrusted with filth and smudge that it turns black and crusty and then you’re carrying around a notebook covered with filth and grime which can lead to malaria and eventual death! It’s just not worth it! It’s. Just. Not. Worth. It.
Eventually, you have Sally Struthers on TV showing everyone sad pictures of fans with flies crawling on their smudgy notebooks while she’s crying and asking ‘Can’t you help!’
Stop the insanity now! Wait. What were we talking about?
ROUND 4
Thank god for DC. Have you noticed that Marvel is launching a whole bunch of new series in April? Well I would hope so, I just said it earlier. Did you notice that Dark Horse is launching a whole bunch of new series this spring? Did you notice that Image Comics is launching a whole bunch of new series this spring? Hell, did you notice that CrossGen is launching a whole bunch of new series this spring? We’ve gone from like 200 books for all these publishers to upwards of 6,325. Not to mention the price hikes at Marvel! What are these people trying to do to me?
How often can you donate blood? You don’t need TWO kidneys do you (oh wait you can’t auction those off on E-Bay anymore can you)? I know something that you can donate a lot more often.
This has potential. Not only can I afford all these new comics but in about fifteen to twenty years I can have my own stable of ghost writers. Then I’ll have time to scratch-n-sniff all those stickers.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
