Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“With God as my witness I swear I will have my revenge. You will pay for this!” --(actually not a very smart statement if you really think about it; do you really want God as a witness to this?)
ROUND 1
The Cow has a new Top. Turns out that the company known for beautiful bouncing bosoms and bodacious bottoms with very little substance (save for the soon-to-be defunct Joe’s Comics) has gone to the place known for bunnies and fart-jokes. That’s right, Jim McLaughlin whom you will all recognize as the guy who answers the letters in Wizard with such wit and precision that it is rare to find a mint copy of this magazine, as all of them have liquid spewed on the letters pages from fanboys’ uncontrollable laughter spewing forth due McLaughlins brilliant diatribes.
This of course beggars the question of just who could fill such a luminarie’s shoes in the hallowed halls of Gareb Shameless’ empire. Who could be equal parts charm, wit, brutal honesty, sarcasm and likeability? Is there a single writer out there who is embraced by all his readers for bringing laughter and sincerity to their lives on a regular basis (say every Friday). Is there such a being out there?
Nah, probably not.
What this could mean for the future of the Cow remains unknown. Will their flagship title become Witchbunny? And you know, this could be the start of a pretty disturbing trend. The comics industry looking to the news venues for men and women to lead them into the new millennium? First Mike Doran from Newsarama was snatched up by Marvel. Next, Jim McLaughlin snatched up by Top Cow. Who’s next? Could Dan Rather be the next President of Publishing for DC Comic? Andy Rooney could head up the Comics Code Authority (“you know what I hate? Boobies in comics. That’s just not right.”). Image Comics new Director of Public Relations could be none other than Paul Harvey (“Be sure to pick up our next issue for… ‘The Rest of the Story.’”). And of course, I’m just waiting for our own Big Kahuna to be lured away by the fine folks at Penthouse Comix to be their next ‘Product Tester.’
Ten years from now, the comics news industry will be gutted with all of the news professionals leading the charge into tomorrow for the comics publishing industry. I hope I get the reins to Claypool Comics. I’m telling you that’s a publishing juggernaut waiting to happen! I mean, Elvira! Soulsearchers! Deadbeats! Did I mention Elvira! Huzzah, do they get any more popular than her! Everywhere I turn it’s ‘Today in Hollywood, Elvira…” and “Coming up next, our exclusive look at Elvira’s new movie…” I’ll admit she’s a character but talk about a niche niche niche niche market. The first thing I’ll do is snatch up that Osbournes license. Can you imagine!
ROUND 2
Did you get what you wanted for Christmas? I guess nobody REALLY wanted world peace because things are still looking pretty crappy out there. I got what I wanted. Dark Horse Comics is going to try and do something that isn’t manga nor is it a licensed book. And I checked, and hell has not frozen over, nor are the polar ice caps melting.
The last time they tried this on a grand scale we ended up with Comics’ Greatest World/Dark Horse Heroes and finally just Ghost. It was a bold attempt at a shared-superhero universe and yet unfortunately some of the boldest and most unusually promising series didn’t even get a chance. Series like Agents of Law, Motorhead and The Machine never really got a chance to see what they were made of, seeing as how none of them made ten issues.
This time around it’s called ‘Rocket Comics’ and it features the following writers on it’s six premiere issues (hitting two apiece in July, August and September 2003): Stuart Moore (Lone),. Tom Peyer (Go Boy 7), Keith Giffen (Syn), Brian Augustyn (Hell), Jim Krueger (Galactic) and Jason Hall (Crush). I guess after the rousing success of DC’s new mature-oriented Wildstorm/Eye of the Storm imprint (the flagship title Wildcats is flying in at #114 in the Diamond sales chart with the others hovering at 123, 171, 183 and if I missed one or two I assure you they are near this range) and the just-launched Image Superhero line (of which Savage Dragon, the most established, beat all of the other DEBUT #1 issues coming in at #143; others charted at 149, 155, 157, 160 and 165 – at least they ALL sold better than the crap that is Forever Maelstrom (proof that some writers are good at serious storytelling as this is written by the highly respected Howard Chaykin and David Tischman, and yet have no comprehension of what it takes to be funny and some editors should be shot or killed for letting some things get printed)), Dark Horse realized they just had to jump in the fray and have their own pitifully selling line of critically-acclaimed ‘action/adventure’ titles. Good solid names for the creators but I would honestly be surprised if this was embraced by the buying public (and by this of course I mean the sheepish retailers who ultimately determine what percentage of comics fans will even know these titles exist). Good luck to you all… I think you’re going to need it!
ROUND 3
In Gen13 #4, which is developing into quite a nice book that doesn’t even feel too wordy, there is a sequence where the mother of one of the Gen-Active children (recently ‘transformed’) comes to town. The mother works for the government, and had left her daughter in the care of her own mother, the child’s grandmother. In this scene the mother and the grandmother are talking.
Mother: “I’m here for Janet, Mom. I’m taking her to Washington. I’ve made arrangements at Walter Reed Army Hospital. She’s to be admitted for tests and evaluated, to determine the cause of her transformation…”
Grandmother: “…You will do none of those things to my grandchild.”
Mother: “She’s my daughter, Mom. Something’s happened to her.”
Grandmother: “And you want to help her by throwing her into a cage? By turning her into a lab rat?”
No-o-o-o-o! Anything but that! Not a Lab Rat! What kind of inhuman monster is this woman?
…
Sorry I couldn’t resist. Okay, I could’ve but I didn’t.
In all honesty, I’m shocked and surprised that I’m really beginning to enjoy this title. It has some links to the enjoyable 21 Down by our own Jimmy Palmiotti & Justin Gray in that the protagonists were marked and ‘will be judged’ but other than that it’s reading like a straight-up teen x-men/mutant/generation x/gen 13 kind of series, which of course it is. A little hokey at times (I guess Claremont can’t resist) but surprisingly strong and enjoyable.
On that note, why the hell aren’t you people supporting the quality books that are pushing the superhero envelope being published by DC/WildStorm/Eye of the Storm. This isn’t one of them, but it’s selling in the Top 100. Nevertheless, the WS books are selling like crap and they are so much better than much of what is selling higher.
And quite frankly, I’m disgusted by the advanced sales of the new offerings by Image. It’s like the retailers have lost all faith that the folks at the ‘I’ have any idea how to put out a good comic. Some of the best books being published right now are coming from them. The bottom line is that Marvel is making really good superhero comics but that’s it. They’re not exploring other genres nor are they trying to discover the full potential of this medium, and yet they remain the dominant force in the industry. Other publishers who ARE trying to grow the industry (because it’s just not going to grow by giving Wolverine a new #1 or putting Superman and Batman in a book together, it’s going to grow by publishing NON-superhero product and convincing retailers to stock it on their shelves and to have trade collections IN STOCK) aren’t getting any recognition or orders from the retailers.
For the premiere issues of the new Image titles to sell so poorly in initial orders just means that the retailers aren’t even willing to try on a proven publisher. There it is, the official ‘j.hues knows what’s wrong with the comics industry and can fix it with one hand tied behind his back’ round. You knew it was coming eventually.
ROUND 4
You’ve all seen his picture week in and week out so I thought I’d let you in on what my son reads. Yes, this way I will know that there is at least ONE kid in the new generation who has a chance to grow up loving comics. Oh and by the way his name is Ashton Skye Hughes and his birthday is April 7th (send gifts). He’s three and he gets just as excited about ‘comic book day’ as I do.
Why just the other day he said: “I love comic books. Do you, Daddy?” Brought a tear to my eye it did. On my son’s current reading list, with his commentary are:
--Powerpuff Girls: “This is a scary one but I’m not scared. It’s just a story.”
--Scooby-Doo: “I love Scooby-Doo. I want all the Scooby-Doo for Christmas, okay Daddy?”
--Looney Tunes: “That’s silly. He’s a silly bunny rabbit.”
--Cartoon Cartoons: “I don’t know what that is? Is it a head, Daddy?”
--Simpsons Comics: “I love ‘The Simpsons.’ It’s my favorite cartoon. And ‘King of the Hill.’”
--Futurama Comics: “This is ‘The Simpsons’ only they’re pink.”
--Bart Simpson Comics: This is just ‘The Simpsons’ again Daddy. Remember?”
--Batman: Gotham Adventures: “Batman. He’s a mean guy. He beats up the bad guys. He kicks them like THIS!”
--Justice League Adventures: “I don’t want to look at them anymore. I want to watch my movie. Can I watch a movie, Daddy?”
And occasionally he picks up the stray Archie comic or bizarre manga book and insists I pick it up for him. He’s starting his own collection, but he also likes to look at ‘Daddy’s comic books.’ Of course, his favorite part right now is to look through the comic so that he can find all the ads for video games and other toys and say “I want that for Christmas.” And yes, he’s still doing this even though Christmas is over.
POST-MATCH CONFERENCE
I hope everyone had a safe and happy holiday season and I hope everyone has an equally safe and fun New Year’s. And if you’re drunk and driving on New Year’s Eve… just stay the hell away from me! Loser.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
