Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“If the whole idea behind Christmas is giving, how come I’m not getting more stuff?” --me
PRE-MATCH WARNING
If this column reads as less coherent and sensible than previous bouts (as if THAT were possible) it’s only fitting as this is my twenty-first regular installment since hitting my Friday digs. As such, it’s possible I may not be in my right mind, as anyone who remembers celebrating their twenty-first can quickly attest to. Nevertheless I promise to bring you the same level of quality that you’ve come to expect as I’ve managed to set your expectations so low I find I can write this thing by simply stomping on the keyboards for a few minutes and posting it. Let’s see what comes out this week.
ROUND 2003
This is the time of year that we sit back and reflect on how much we love and loathe our families. As they crawl out of the woodworks looking for their presents, I like to bash them about the head and shoulders with blunt wooden objects, lock my doors and think about the coming year in comics, as I’m sure you all do as well.
Now since I’m just a nobody who gets doors slammed in his face when he shows up at comics creators houses at 4 in the morning looking for exclusives, I just don’t have the access that such prestigious publications like Wizard have… … … BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
Well I almost said it with a straight face. The fact of the matter is I don’t have a freaking clue what the publishers and creators have in mind for your favorite titles in the coming year, but why should I let a little thing like that stop me. No, rather than tease and hint at what WILL come to pass, I the “Ghost of Comics Future” will tell you what SHOULD come to pass.
It’s really quite simple. The writers and editors don’t really know what’s best for their comics, nor do they know what you the readers want. I do. That’s why they’re editors and writers while I spend Christmas scraping half-digested turkey from the sides of garbage dumpsters for me and mine to celebrate the Yule. Genius is never understood in its own time after all.
DARK HORSE COMICS
Buffy the Vampire Slayer - As the TV series careens toward its conclusion, the comics series will realize that it’s going to have to find a way to survive beyond the television show if the creators want to keep their jobs. Thus, they are going to have Buffy realize that she’s in love with Willow, drum up some major publicity over having a major character ‘come out’ as a gay person, have this denied by Joss Whedon and lose the license and change the name to Bouffe the Monster Killer and continue as a cheap knock-off, losing readers, slipping to the black & white format and eventual cancellation.
KISS - Gene Simmons will demand even more creative control, insisting that they let him both write AND draw the book as only he fully understands the depth and intricacies of the characters of the Beast and that dude with the Star on his face. Unfortunately, Gene can’t draw a stick figure for Hangman and the book quickly becomes hailed as an ‘independent comix’ masterpiece, heralding the end of it’s commercial viability. Dark Horse starts to wonder about these licensed books.
Star Wars - When George Lucas calls, Mike Richardson screams and runs in terror saying, ‘Please don’t want to write and draw these books… I remember Episodes I & II.’ Nevertheless, it turns out George has decided to pull the Star Wars license from Dark Horse and give it to quite possibly the most consistently fabulous creator in comics. After the success of the Alias: Agent Bristow comic book solicitations and preview art (as the book is scheduled to actually never ship), Arcade lands the license and Rob immediately promises to launch over a hundred Star Wars books over the next year and a half and he himself will pencil and ink every single one of them.
Sin City - Dark Horse has a bold publishing initiative for this property lined up for 2003. They plan to reproduce every panel of Miller’s existing stories blown up to poster size and sell it as the Sin City Poster Series. Further, they will be printing Silent Sin City where Mike Richardson takes whiteout to the word balloons and Sin City in Color where Mike Richardson grabs his Crayolas and colors on the original artwork and finally the Sin City Masterworks where all the Sin City stories are collected in fancy new hardcovers that have the word Masterworks stamped on them beneath the words Sin City. You Frank Miller fans won’t want to miss any of these opportunities to read the same old crap… in exciting new ways!
Usagi Yojimbo - Pretty much continues as is.
Blade of the Immortal - He starts spouting off about how ‘There can be only one’ and starts cutting the heads off of the other Immortals (Dark Horse is really convinced that licensed is the way to go).
Treasure Planet - In their ongoing bid to secure ALL the licenses, Dark Horse snatches this one up for the cool sum of 1.5 million and then quickly declares bankruptcy.
DC COMICS
Lab Rats: The Return - Reuniting ace creative team of writer John Byrne, penciler John Byrne and inker John Byrne this new series launches as the #1 selling book in the land, prompting Marvel to concoct another publicity stunt by having Magneto turn into a good guy and then admit he was actually a Nazi all those years ago.
Supergirl - Oh wait, too late. This one’s gone in March.
Young Justice - Wait… never mind.
The Spectre - Hal convinces… whoops. Cancelled.
The Titans - Boring you to the bitter end with its cancellation in March.
Batman - Look for some brooding on the part of Batman.
Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight - Tales set in the past and future within and outside of established continuity in which Batman broods.
Superman titles - I look for the continuing struggle to find someone who has a grasp of this character. Look for the stories to rotate from terrible to bad with occasional bursts of mediocrity until they come to their senses and hire me. Then we’re talking Eisners-City!
The Flash - The plan is for Wally to fight the Rogues. Individually, in pairs and all together. Doesn’t get more exciting than that!
Forever Maelstrom - After getting letters of complaint that it’s just too rough, DC will wise up and start printing it on Angel Soft brand as that’s what it’s being used for anyway.
Aquaman - Nobody will read it and it will be cancelled at issue 14. But don’t worry he’ll have another ongoing by 2004.
JSA - Yay! Firestorm! I don’t know why but I’ve always loved this character (have almost his entire solo series run). But I demand Professor Stein’s return as a nagging voice in Ronnie’s head!
Birds of Prey - In late 2003 look for DC to launch the companion series to the BOP television series. After the announcement is made, somebody tells them that the TV show was canceled in 2002 and they quickly rectify this by announcing a companion series to the CBS sensation The Flash.
Eye of the Storm - The quality continues to rise throughout the year until they’re all cancelled because nobody would buy them.
The Authority - Will suck so bad that it will hurt to read it.
Thundercats - The readers will finally take off their nostalgia-colored glasses, stop channeling their youth and really read this crap and once they find out how bad it is, WildStorm will launch Thundercats: Generation One and Thundercats: Frontline.
American Century - will drop to selling six copies a piece. One each to the top brass at DC who will insist on continuing to publish it because it diversifies the Vertigo line and because they like it. Meanwhile, they will cancel any book that they don’t like, even if it’s selling well (see the first Authority).
IMAGE COMICS
G.I. Joe - Devil’s Due launches their creator-owned line and then taking a nod from Dreamwave Productions launches six or seven more G.I. Joe titles so that they can get SOME money coming in. Quality? Story? Who cares. The ‘80s movement is officially declared dead with the launch of G.I. Joe: The Snake-Eyes Files Weekly.
Spawn - Keeps right on trucking soliciting twelve issues in twelve months… and releasing three. Look for Spawn to lament his lost life and wife and struggle to find his place in the world.
Savage Dragon - Who the hell knows what sick crap Larsen will come up with next. Quite frankly I don’t think Larsen even knows.
Superhero Line - I give it eight months tops. There’s just something missing about this line as a complete superhero line. Don’t know what it is, but that’s because it ain’t there.
Liberty Meadows - Eventually he will run out of reprints and this will continue to be the funniest damned book in the market.
Paradigm - ???
Powers - There should be some cussing and costumes and gratuitous violence, gore and sex. I am so there.
Top Cow - Top Cow will announce a new series that will redefine the Top Cow Universe, launch a couple of new series starring girls with little waists and big… assets. Then they’ll fall behind schedule, cancel most of them and announce a new series that will redefine the Top Cow Universe, launch a couple of new series starring girls with little waists and big… assets. Then they’ll fall behind schedule, cancel most of them and announce a new series… well you get the idea.
MARVEL COMICS
X-Treme X-Men - This book will continue it’s slow transition into an all text piece as Claremont uses a few hundred more words each issue crowding Larocca out more and more until finally he quits and we have a serialized novel.
New X-Men - Marvel will announce a new regular artist after Quitely moves on and that new artist will draw exactly four issues in the coming year, while Kordey will continue to step in and fill-in twelve issues. In light of the Rawhide Kid the Beast will again decide he was gay and realize that it was stupid to just turn around and say he was kidding because the upper bureaucracy was uncomfortable with it. You can’t deny who you are, nor should you deny some good potential character development for the sake of ‘comfort.’
Exiles - The Exiles will travel to the New Universe and decide that they’d really rather not save this one and so they just let it die and move on. Next stop: The Ultraverse! Of course, the Ultraverse is definitely worthy of attention as it was the greatest superhero universe in the face of the world.
Ultimate Spider-Man - Marvel will stand strong that they will not add new titles, but will up the frequency of this title to three times a week to ensure they can dominate the top of the sales charts. Bendis starts hiring underlings to do all the writing for him, buys a yacht to sail the ocean blue and spends the next three years marooned on an island just offshore from New Zealand with Tom Hanks and some Hobbit extras. Ah if only they’d known they were filming Survivor 7 just around that last bend.
Daredevil - Abandoning his costume entirely this book will transform into a ‘talking heads’ series about courtroom drama and change it’s name to Law & Order: Daredevil and get optioned for a television series for Fall 2004.
Spider-Man: Blue - May or may not finish by the end of 2003 and by the time it does no one will remember how it began.
Rawhide Kid - Will make a veritable superstar of Ron Zimmerman. All of his accolades and successes will be destroyed when his next announced project is Spider-Man And Jay Leno: Live With Howard Stern In Hollywood With All The Stars I Know.
Eden’s Trail - After having been cut from a six-issue to a five-issue series will continue to be cut until it is a two issue series and the second issue is just a pamphlet with the words ‘I’m Sorry’ in the Marvelscope format.
INDEPENDENTS
Cerebus - As we near closer and closer to the 300th issue finale this work looks to get more and more cumbersome and introspective and dense and incomprehensible as Dave Sim drops the façade that this has anything to do with an aardvark anymore and changes the title to Me, since that’s all he really cares about anyway. Oh yeah, and he’ll explain how women suck and don’t deserve to breathe the same air that he does.
The Red Star - This book will be beautiful and well written and will be the book that finally knocks CGE’s perfect shipping record.
Future Comics - With their recent agreement to distribute through Diamond, as well as continuing their self-distribution, Future Comics will grow to become a major player in the distribution field, signing exclusive distribution deals with CrossGen, Avatar, Dreamwave and others causing a great deal of confusion as to whether they’re a publisher or a distributor. In reply, the folks at Future will only point to the new Disney Comics coming out from Gemstone Publishing/Diamond Comics Distributors. A new trend will begin in which publishers will become distributors and vice-versa and the new distribution wars will begin. I want the first new holo-chrome-foil-enhanced-black-logo-polybagged-with-a-collectible-trading-card Archie comic that comes out!
Youngblood: Bloodsport - There will be a continuous flow of related material and special editions and sketchbooks but the actual title won’t ship until the latter part of the year, and then it will only ship the first issue before Rob gets bored and moves on, saying he’s going to draw all those Star Wars books now.
Queen & Country - The rotating staff of artists will see the likes of Sergio Aragones, Stan Sakai, Bill Plympton, Don Simpson and Gene Simmons taking story arcs in 2003 convincing the fans that there is to be ZERO visual consistency between story arcs. Luckily, the writing remains top-notch.
MAGAZINES
Wizard: The Comics Magazine - Every month will be chock-full of fart-jokes, pictures of buffoons dressed up in ridiculous costumes prancing around New York City, more insightful journalistic articles about how great Marvel Comics is with the occasional suggestion about how DC could really improve their market share if they would just be more like Marvel Comics.
Anyone Else - There will be 2 or 3 new comics magazines that will come out promising to be a great and exciting alternative to the aforementioned Wizard only to disappear after a few issues, if they get any out at all.
IN CONCLUSION
The Future looks bright for the comics industry. And of course the most important thing that will happen in 2003 (and remember these are the things that SHOULD happen) is that you will go to the comics racks in 2003 and see a comic proudly on the shelf written by j.hues and you will know that the Holy Grail is upon you and you will buy up all the copies you can find and distribute them to your friends and they will look upon this product and say… “it is good.”
Then we’ll know 2003 has been a GREAT YEAR!
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
