Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“You’d think people who choose to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders would be stronger.” --me
PRE-MATCH HYPE
My mailbox has been feeling too damned special lately. It just hasn’t been stuffed to overflowing with all the free swag you comics companies and creators seem to be forgetting to send me. That said, as we all know I like to prepare for these matches by digging through all the free goodies I get in the mail. And so…
Ooh look, Sears is having an electronics sale! And I’ve been invited. Why me AND a special friend can come in with these coupons and save an additional 10% off the already marked down prices throughout the store. This truly is a special day.
And what’s this? Why I’m pre-approved for a Visa card with a credit limit of $7,500.00. That’s fan-frikkin’-tastic! Now I can charge off all my holiday shopping and file for bankruptcy in January like everyone else. And they even sent me a little plastic card glued to the letter, so I can know what it feels like to have my very own Visa card. That plastic card will surely help it sink lower into the trashcan so I don’t have to look at it later when I’m chucking my empties.
What’s this? Looks formal. What!? I paid that bill already. You’ve gotta be kidding me. Where’s that number, I am definitely calling these people—
You know this just isn’t fun anymore. Please, for pity’s sake, somebody send me something worth looking at or next week we’ll be discussing all those Christmas cards I’m getting from relatives who want to remind me, as they do each year, that they are out there and that despite the fact that we never ever talk to one another they’re still not above accepting a Christmas gift from me. I’ll just check to see what Santa Kitty has left for them in our special little litter box!
I think I’m going to need a two-ply envelope.
ROUND 1
Of course we all know the big news and I guess we’re all going to learn how the Kid’s hide got so raw. Ba-dump bumb! God I really hope there’s more to this story than just the revelation that the Rawhide Kid was/is gay. If not then this is a pretty pointless project.
Anybody else notice how Marvel is pulling the media strings pretty well. They know what causes ‘controversy’ and so they intentionally create product that will stir the pot and gain them exposure. This is both good and bad. It’s great that comics are gaining exposure based on this, but it’s not so great that it takes ‘controversy’ for anyone to give a rat’s ass what we’re doing in this medium. I mean, television and movies get news coverage for nothing whatsoever, and celebrities especially so (Jennifer Aniston is seen here locking her car. Does this mean she felt she was in an unsafe area of Los Angeles? Was she raised to always lock her car? We have a team of reporters flocking to the scene to get to the bottom of this mystery. Back to you.) and yet comics can only get mainstream news coverage when we have a potential race issue or a sexual-orientation issue or Stan sues Marvel.
I guess bad/controversial news is better than no news. Personally, I can’t believe they didn’t stop the presses when Rob Liefeld announced the return of arguably the most important project of the last 50 years…. Youngblood: Bloody-DeathBloodSport-Death Blood. Of course, it still hasn’t shipped leading me to think that maybe Rob should see if Todd ‘look at my balls’ McFarlane might not be willing to publish the Maximum Extreme Awesome Arcade lineup as they seem to share the same philosophy of soliciting books that aren’t finished just for spits and grins.
I think DC needs to drum up some of this media attention. I bet if they announced that Clark was going to leave Lois for a new lover and the upcoming new ongoing series was being retitled Batman and Superman: Lovers they’d get plenty of attention. Of course, The Authority pretty much has the Batman/Superman love thing so maybe something less obvious. It could be revealed that the reason Hal was so uptight and the reason that Ollie is so angry is that they have been repressing their homosexuality all these years and that they had unrequited feelings for each other. This is why they went on that roadtrip together and why they’ve always been so… close.
Screw established continuity. Besides I want to see Paul Levitz and the ‘wigs at DC on television and see if they look as good or worse than The Bill & Joe Show.
ROUND 2
I found a nice alternative. Inspired by the fact that we link to him from our very own site I realized that if I can’t get free crap sent to me I’d just check out the free stuff on the web. So why not start with Mat Tait’s Website. Even if you don’t read it you’ve surely seen the links to his chapters of Rebus, his current project. Well a quick jaunt over to the website shows a pretty good collection of all (or is it?) of his works, including previous serials, painitings, sketches and downright bizarre images.
He has an almost Charles Burns’ Black Hole quality to his work, what with the thick lines and controlled distortion of his primary characters that creates a surreal and yet so real look to the stories. Of course, it helps that all of these works appear to be either autobiographical or at the worst semi-autobiographical. He’s been published in various very indie stuff but seems content to just sit back and draw at a leisurely pace.
You would do yourself a real service by heading over there and reading the stories as they are meant to be read, all together, rather than trying to get the full impact in those sporadic installments.
In fact, tell you what. There’s a lot of really good stuff out there that people are just putting on the web for free (and some great stuff like.. well.. this column!) that a lot of people might really get a kick out of. So I extend my offer to you all as well. Drop me a line and a link to your work online and I’ll check it out and give you a shout-out here as well. Cool? Cool.
ROUND 3
Gemstone has announced that they’ll be bringing back such stalwarts as Walt Disney’s Comics & Stories and Uncle Scrooge Adventures to American shores. There has been a huge hole in the American comic book market without the once-mighty Disney line.
As many of you may know, WDC&S was at one time one of the longest running continuously published comics in America with issue numbers well into the 600s at it’s death. I wonder if Gemstone isn’t going to do the double-numbering like Marvel is doing. It could be ‘Walt Disney’s Comics & Stories #1/697’ They could even create a HUGE even to coincide with it.
U-FIGURE… Out which one of these will survive!
1) Walt Disney’s Comics & Stories - An anthology series featuring new and classic tales featuring the entire plethora of Disney characters (at least most likely the classic stable including Mickey, Donald, Goofy, etc.)
2) In the Boardroom - Written by Disney’s own Michael Eisner, this series will poke fun at the backroom antics of America’s favorite toon dynasty as they face the collapse of their animation department, the continuing legal woes on Pooh Corner and their struggles to turn ABC into a network that somebody wants to watch now that nobody wants to be a millionaire anymore
3) Ultimate Uncle Scrooge - In this version, set firmly in the Ultimate Universe, Uncle Scrooge isn’t rich at all, but is the son of a New York baker, and has recurring dreams about a huge money bin, so determines to strike out and become a superhero sidekick to Darkwing Duck
After six months the one with the highest sales will continue while the ones with lower sales will also continue thus rendering this entire exercise astoundingly pointless.
And if this doesn’t generate enough buzz, we’re going to come out and announce that Pooh and Piglet are MORE than just friends! And you don’t want to know how Tigger got to be the bounciest.
ROUND 4
A congratulations is due The Bill & Joe Show for managing to shoot off a big wad of cash to pay off their three-year term loan. So things are looking good at The House That Stan & Jack Built. That means they’ll definitely have the money to settle with Stan Lee… or better yet, maybe they are in a good enough financial situation to get bought out by Sony so they too can be part of a huge multi-national entertainment conglomerate, that also happens to make killer car stereo equipment.
I want my Hulk Smash Sub-Woofers!
Now with all this new money lying around and the future looking bright, I can’t think of a better time to usher in the next Stan Lee of comics… ahem… heh… well thank you I’m flattered. Oh. Zimmerman huh? Well… uh… I guess. I mean he does know how to mention Howard Stern… Yessir… I agree that Howard Stern name-drops are the key to a solid story. Absolutely, I understand. Well, no that’s fine. I still have the column… now that’s a good idea. You really think if I drop Howard Stern’s name in my column… uh-huh. Well it certainly couldn’t hurt… yessir… absolutely. No, no. Thank YOU, sir.
Howard Stern.
…
…
I feel so dirty.
ROUND 5
Com.X isn’t quite as dead as previously announced. Good for them as they were an indie with one of the highest levels of quality to come along in a really long time. If they would send me free stuff I might say they were the best independent publisher in the world. Seriously though, they are recovering from a pretty serious burglary and we here at Punches Central wish them all the best.
Furthermore, the six issue mini-series Cla$$war which started back in 1827 and has three issues out is yet looking at another artistic change as the fella they hired to pick up the reins from Hairsine (who’s picking up the reins from Cassaday on Captain America (another book with a fantastic shipping schedule)) has had to bow out due to scheduling conflicts. Thus, CW4 is now in comics limbo. Hey guys, I can draw a pretty mean stick figure and I can draw about 200 pages a day of quality Stick Figure Theatre so if you’re looking to get back on schedule I just might be your man.
Otherwise, you might consider Liefeld (it’s not like he’s working on any projects right now).
ROUND 6
Image has decided to have their own ‘DC Explosion’ by promising to launch 6,324 new projects in the next four months.
To accommodate this new influx of talent and properties, all of the existing monthlies will not ship their next issues until 2007. The McFarlane camp responded to this statement saying simply:
‘Copycats!’
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
