Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“Wouldn’t it make more sense for Native Americans to celebrate ‘We opened our lands and hearts to the white man and he slaughtered us and stole from us our heritage, our homes and in many cases our very pride and dignity so we’ll be thankful when they acknowledge what they did and either try to make restitutions for the centuries of brutality and haughty self-righteous arrogance or get the hell out of our country Day’ rather than Thanksgiving?” —Remember when giving thanks that a tremendous price was paid by the kind-hearted and innocent First Americans, and think on them on this National Holiday
ANXIOUS
No free stuff this time around, but I was able to get fat on turkey! I had two options here. Either I could be proactive and get this column done early so it could get posted in time for Friday or I could be a lazy bastard, and just get it out whenever the hell I feel liked it. So hi there, guess I’m a bastard! Truth be told, I’m on vacation this week on top of Thanksgiving family obligations and I was actually foolish enough to go out shopping early, early, early this morning for the first time (and for the last time I’ve decided) in my life.
I experienced this day as a retailer when I worked for Toys “R” Us lo those many years ago and I think I’d rather do it as a worker than a customer. Those people are animals. And the lines are ungodly. At least the lines were reasonable at my local comics shops. I managed to hit quite a few today.
I hit my regular establishment, Legends Comics & Cards on Hampton in St. Louis, MO (Hi Ken!) of course, but I also swung by Comics Universe on Manchester. Now Legends is my local shop and Ken takes great care of me, but Comics Universe is bar none the tops in St. Louis for a comics store that really GETS this industry. They have a healthy selection of trade paperbacks, an extensive backstock and the most diverse selection of titles available anywhere from mainstream to so independent I’ve never even heard of it (and that’s harder to accomplish than you may realize. They’re also the only shop in town that seems interested in carrying the Future Comics line (and in good quantities). You remember Future Comics, Giordano, Layton and a whole crew of guys that have been making news lately launching their flagship title and sticking it to the Diamond monopoly by self-distributing directly to the comics retailer.
And you know, in all the stores I’ve been to in my are and asked if they’re going to carry Future Comics, 99% of them have never even heard of them. So they must only get their comics news from Diamond’s Dateline. Plus, I thought Future did a mass-mailing to retailers nationwide. Well, either they missed these guys or they don’t read their mail, but I guess it’s their loss as the Future lineup is shaping up pretty well and setting itself up pretty well to ride the next wave of comics prosperity to success. Damn, I’m just a gushing over Future Comics again. But before you go thinking they’ve got me in their pocket, I just really believe in what they’re trying to accomplish as a business entity and I truly believe that their success will benefit the industry in the long run by showing publishers that there are alternatives to the Diamond machine! That’s not to say that I wouldn’t accept it if they offered to sponsor my little column here. Boy you think I gush now, you wouldn’t believe what I would do then (but at least I’d be honest and tell you I’m gushing because I’m a whore and they’re sponsoring me. And they’d get nice ads that could display proudly near my literary genius (Boy would that up the credibility of their little horse-and-pony show.
At any rate, I take the presence of Future Comics as just one sign that Comics Universe is pretty aware of what’s going on in the industry. In fact, they even print out missives from the web (from various sites including this one) to inform their customers of late-breaking news or provide other pertinent news, commentary and information and post them on a large message board. A responsible Comics Universe would be printing out this column every week to provide intelligence and joy for their customers on a weekly basis. That’s what a good Comics Universe would do. That’s what I would do if I were a Comics Universe.
ROUND 1
This time of year makes us think of those things we are thankful, so we here at Punches Central have compiled a brief list of those things for which we are most thankful.
I am thankful that Marvel Comics finally realized that the best enhancement a comic could have is content worth reading.
I am thankful that the Spider-Man movie didn’t suck.
I am thankful that John Byrne provided me Lab Rats for eight months, because whenever I was hard up for a joke, there it was.
I am thankful that Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst)’s shirt got wet in that alley.
I am thankful that I am not the only one who thinks that recent issue of one of the Superman books where he went ‘crazy’ causing millions of dollars in property damage and endangering lives because he was upset over someone’s death was a travesty for the character, the title, the company, the fans and possibly even the world (somebody needs to hang for that one).
I am thankful that Herobear & The Kid #5 actually exists now.
I am thankful that Haven: The Broken City was a limited series, because try as I might I couldn’t stop waiting with anxious anticipation for it to finally be over.
I am thankful that DK2 is over.
I am thankful that Stan Lee DIDN’T create the DC Universe.
I am thankful that Dave Sim has seen fit to share his unique vision with us for so long; most times controversial (these days) but always of the highest quality and wholly unique, the saga of Cerebus will stand once completed as one of the single strongest works in any medium.
I am thankful that the WB hung in there with Smallville because it has finally decided to realize its potential this season.
I am thankful that CGE keeps trying new formats and ways to get their comics into more people’s hands.
I am thankful that Peter David is running a poll to see how many retailers really like Marvel’s print-to-order policy (and no reprints or overprints) because I am hard-pressed to believe it is popular.
I am thankful that ‘The Bill & Joe Show’ uses stunts and antics to distract from the real news and issues that concern their customers and fans to great affect because it means I get to call them names and talk about them here.
I am thankful that John Byrne has another project in the works because it’s hard coming up with original punchlines.
I am thankful that all of my readers keep coming back to see how big of an ass I make of myself week in and week out.
And finally, I am thankful for my own unending brilliance, without which my near god-like greatness would be more challenging to achieve.
ROUND 2
800America, the company that acquired WizardWorld.com last year has proven to be nothing but a front for a couple of crooks and embezzlers using fake business gambits and money laundering to falsify profits and mislead investors. Sounds like status quo for Wall Street to me.
Now the married couple behind 800America is under arrest and the company’s assets have been frozen. However, this has no affect on Wizard, the self-proclaimed ‘Comics Magazine,’ so you don’t have to worry about missing their in-depth expose on the ‘Coolest Costumes In Marvel Comics’ or ‘The Biggest Honkers in Marvel Comics’ or ‘Why Marvel Comics Is Just The Bestest’ or ‘How Much DC Really Just Sucks When You Compare Them To Marvel’ or ‘I Mean Honestly, Why Do All These Other Companies Besides Marvel Even Make Comics Anymore.’
On a related note, when I was standing outside a crowded retail store at 6 am today, there was a pretty nasty cold wind whipping about and I nearly froze my assets too.
ROUND 3
Let’s take a look at the Top 300 sales reports recently released for December. Remember that these are initial orders only, designed to inflate Marvel’s figures (as they print based only on initial orders, thus ensuring higher initial orders, while the rest of the publishers embrace reorders, increased orders and the like). And as Diamond does not take in to account reorders, nor do they acknowledge sales through other distributors or means (thus cutting out much of the independents sales, including CrossGen, and Future Comics doesn’t represent at all) and they only factor in North American sales, this is basically the most meaningless sales chart ever created as it doesn’t accurately represent the total comics sales reality at all. Sounds like fun, eh?
Damn, what a totally pointless exercise. Hey, look Marvel dominates the chart with much of the top-ranking titles. Well, duh, this represents like 100% of Marvel’s sales while only fractions of everybody else’s Look CrossGen is off the Top 100 here. Well duh, CrossGen is one of the Top 5 publishers for Diamond, but they are the only of the five who also distributes through other distributors (non-exclusive with Diamond). Hmmm. Why the hell does anybody even pay attention to this chart? I can’t do it people. It makes me sick.
ROUND 4
We’ve all had the time to let it sink in, but what I want to know is…
What the hell happened to the ending of 30 Days of Night. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone, but I’m sorry that was about the most anti-climactic and implausible ending I could have never imagined for what had started as one of the strongest stories/concepts I’d EVER read. What an amazing disappointment; it basically undoes all the danger and menace that had been established in the first two issues. It’s a shame that issue 3 appears to be the only one widely available so new fans are most likely to only see this weakest chapter.
I want a DVD with an alternate ending! I wonder if that studio that optioned it for film after only issue 1 had come out is thinking of backing out now, or at least bringing in someone to rewrite the ending. I sure hope so.
It was a beautiful book, Templesmith. And Niles, it was a fantastic premise so utterly brilliant it’s one of those ‘I can’t believe no one’s thought of it before’ ideas that are so rare and special, I am so sorry that you tacked a Hollywood-sap Clint Eastwood hero type of ending on it. It was kind of insulting to your readers and I realize you knew it was going to be made into a film and I know we have formulas for our films but I was really hoping you wouldn’t use it.
Alas.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
