Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“I like to beat up optimists, because they always get right back up so I can hit ‘em again.” —me.
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
(Due to technical difficulties, IE my damn computer screwing up, errorring out and destroying the entire column after I’d written AND saved it meaning that I lost all that brilliance and must go into a deep state of depression, ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES will not be available as usual this week. As I make the preparations for the gala to end all galas, my very own personal pity party—I will be sending invitations to all the other whiney pathetic comic fans/bitchers and moaners out there who feel that the world owes them something, so look for yours in the mail soon, I am proud to present you something very special. So while I go scratch up Byrne’s address I’ll pass the reigns on to my own ‘boy wonder’ peon assistant, Ms. Unieda “somebody-save-me-from-this-madman” Lyffe for a special BEST OF segment.
RWTP returns next week with not one but TWO advanced looks at works that are available for order at your local comics shop right now. The excellent Jane’s World and the fascinating and delightful The Science of Super-Heroes. If you want to see your work critiqued and praised (or slammed) in the internet’s #1 (statistics based on a scientific survey conducted by me with test subjects ranging from my personal friends and family members to folks off the streets I paid larges sums of cash to) comics-related column! then you need to contact me and send me the free stuff so I can hype your crap before it comes out to make these freaks order it and want to make it a part of their lives. And now, Ms. Lyffe?)
Thank you Mr. Hues. As the brilliance that is j.hues retires to the antechambers… to uh… oh good it looks like the doofus is gone. Okay now. Since Hues screwed up and deleted his column or some such idiotic move, he’s pretty much given me like twenty minutes to dig through the archives and find the BEST OF ROLLING WITH THE PUNCHES!
I’ve combed the catacombs, and by that I mean I’ve just grabbed the nearest crap randomly because I A) don’t have time for this crap and B) couldn’t give a rat’s flying ass about Hues’ “career,” to find you the best of the best. Snippets from the long and storied career that has been RWTP.
ROUND 1 - circa 1938
I don’t know about you, but a story about a guy who can’t seem to figure out which side to wear his underwear just doesn’t make much sense to me. I mean we all love the great pulps and who isn’t digging those serials on The Phantom with the mask and everything, but is America really ready for this guy. Of course I’m talking about National Periodical Publications’ Action Comics #1 in which we are treated to Siegel & Schuster’s brainchild Superman! Now, from my ‘man on the street’ interviews, this is apparently turning into quite the hot-seller. Of course the cover of this guy hoisting a car over his head is sure an attention-getter. Like nothing in publication thus far, it reads more like a science-fiction or monster story but it’s something different. This heroic man with super-powers above and beyond that of ordinary men puts on the expected spandex tights and cape, but sans mask this guy is setting himself up to be a public figure!
It’s really hard to classify this debut but it just might be that the S-duo have captured lightning in a bottle with this character and this chosen medium. With the visual feats that Superman is capable of, leaping over buildings, taking bullets to the chest, his story wouldn’t be nearly as dynamic as a serialized novel or magazine short story. The visual flair given it only serves to enhance the story.
My biggest beef is that Clark Kent, his alter ego, is just Superman without his glasses on. Is that really enough to fool people? Well, maybe it is because how many people really get up close and personal to Superman, and quite frankly if I were up close and personal with a fellow in tights and a cape who could fly and crush my skull with his mitts should the inclination so strike him, I might just soil myself and never really get a good look at him. After all, nothing distracts like foul trousers.
It’s hard to say, despite apparent early sales success, what the long-term profitability and public perception of this type of character will be, but it should be interesting to watch. It just might change the face of the comic book medium, Slam Bradley beware!
This was certainly an interesting piece and somewhat prophetic. After all, Clark did go on to change the face of comics and nobody ever really got over the fact that he was supposedly able to maintain a secret identity by throwing on a pair of horn-rimmeds. Well, Hues wasn’t always so prophetic. In fact, shortly after this piece he declared this Batman fellow a complete knock-off of The Phantom and so many other pulp heroes that it wouldn’t last a year , and Bob Kane would probably be sued for copyright infringement. —UL
ROUND 2 - circa 1983
Oh my god, this is a fanboy’s wet dream. It looks like the arch-rivals that are Marvel and DC have bowed to fan fantasy and greenlighted a Justice League of America/Avengers. And with George Perez and Gerry Conway handling the creative duties. My god, this is going to be freaking spectacular. Can you believe it! Gerry Conway writing! Joanie may love Chachi and while some of you are still going to Archie Bunker’s Place, and while everybody and their brother likes the Titans and digs this new X-Men craziness, my heart is with Gerry Conway’s brilliance. He is the true star of this project.
Of course, being linked to such a marquee creator could certainly help George’s career. Who knows, this project could be just the boost he needs to truly make something of himself. Now we all loved Superman v. Spidey (this dazzler written by our very own Conway), another Superman v. Spidey (by that Legion Shooter punk!), Batman v. Hulk and X-Men v. Titans but come on, this is what we’ve been asking for. X-Men/Titans last year was quite the teaser for this mega-spectacular. And it looks like they’re promising a HUGE story with everybody who was every anybody making an appearance. I’m so excited, I think I’m going to just hold my breath until the first issue hits stands.
Keep holding, you’re almost there! Last word is summer of next year (2003)! —UL
ROUND 3 - circa 1842
The Adventures of Obadiah Oldbuck! What the hell is this crap? What a strange little thing this is. It looks like a magazine or crude newspaper but it has illustrations on every page with little text bits written under them. It’s as if somebody stuck a bunch of political cartoons together with captions and strung them together to tell a story. Sort of like a children’s pamphlet only intended for adults. Do they really think this thing will fly. Looks like this stuff has been quite the popular over in the old country (still say we just leave what’s over the pond OVER the pond). They can keep their silly little children’s pamphlets. We’ve got bigger fish to fry over here. What with the Mexicans invading Texas and all that hoopla down there, do we really want a stupid diversion like this.
You know, though, this is some pretty nice line work. Maybe I’ll just read it one time.
ROUND 4 - circa 1954
You know, I think they’re right. They being Dr. Wertham of the fabulous Seduction of the Innocent, the fine folks of the U.S. Senate, and god-fearing American everywhere about how inherently evil comic books are and how they’re corrupting our youth (please don’t come after me). I mean sure I read the EC books and laugh and giggle at how devilish they are but it’s not for pleasure that I do so. It’s for research. So that when I get called, I can stand as a true American and attack these vandals for what they are, corrupting the innocent youth of our American children (please don’t come after me).
Oh sure I get titillated from those sexy images and giggle at the grotesque dismembering and gore in those great EC books, but I have these books for research purposes people (please don’t come after me). I support the burning of comic books! Hell, burn all your comic books, and while you’re there chuck in your copies of Action Comics #1 and Detective Comics #27. After all, these are pieces of American History, and should the superhero ever become the dominant force in comics (yeah like THAT’s gonna happen) then these will be worth tons of money and if you losers—er, I mean patriotic Americans throw all yours into the flames and I come by and fan the embers with MY copies, then these babies with be worth some serious, serious dollar some day. Heeheeheeheeheehee, er (please don’t come after me).
I will firmly stand up and say that the newly adopted Comics Code Authority is the right thing to do. After all, it’s true that our children are mindless dolts without the mental capacity to discern right from wrong, and that that can in no way be a failing on our parts as parents or a society. It’s the comic books. They’re what’s doing it. What right-minded kid wouldn’t want to go about committing crimes when they see a cartoon drawing of a man with awkward and stilted dialogue doing it in a crudely produced periodical. Hell, I walk by the racks and when I see the word “CRIME” in big bold letters right there on the cover, I just want to reach across the counter and ring that vendor’s neck, strangling the life out of him saying “Youse” over and over again while I destroy his newspaper stand, steal his money and set the entire block on fire! What can I say, comic books are a huge influence on our lives. Children are incapable of independent thought and parents and other adult figures are not responsible for the proper upbringing of their children. Comic book publishers are. They must make sure that the material they are producing always has the future well-being of this country and it’s youth in mind. Perhaps titles like How To Be A Proper American and I’m A Good Boy and Crime Is Bad should be produced to meet this important and neglected responsibility of periodical publishers.
I think it would be safe to assume that all major acts of villainy and criminal activity started with comic books. I think Mr. Hitler probably read some of those early crime books and decided right then and there to commit mass genocide. But can you blame him. It’s a comic book for Christ’s sake (sorry Jesus and God, my Lord and Saviour—see I’m a God-fearing man, please don’t come after me. I love the US of A). The moral of the story is that comics are bad. Long live Archie!
God, it’s refreshing to see that we’ve come a long way from this unenlightened time. Oh wait, the case against Jesus Castillo was refused by the Texas Court of Criminal Appeals. This is the second level of appeals to uphold (in its own way) the initial conviction that he commited a crime by selling an adult comic book to an adult. You know the case that was won by arguing that comic books are a children’s medium. Do you know that if this thing stands (and the only recourse next is to try and get the U.S. Supreme Court to hear the case) it’s setting a dangerous precedent that could lead to major problems for this industry. Imagine if lines like MAX and Vertigo and Slave Labor and Oni and plenty of other smaller publishers were forced to shut down operations because their work was considered ‘Mature’ in a field that has been legally defined as ‘for children.’ Frightening stuff indeed. If someone wanted to target the comic book medium, this legal precedent could compound exponentially and doom the industry as it stands today. You thought the CCA almost killed the mature industry in it’s day, it could happen again. Oh wait, this isn’t my forum. This is the BEST OF some loser’s crap. I’ll shut up now. But seriously folks, think about it. And contribute to the CBLDF (Comic Book Legal Defense Fund). This not-for-profit organization is handling the Castillo case and defends the First Amendment rights of the entire comics community and they do it based almost entirely on donations. You can donate by clicking here. Better yet, head to their home page at cbldf.org where you can find a link to the Jim Lee eBay auction starting November 5th with all proceeds going to the CBLDF to help the fight to give our industry the same rights to produce diverse content that every other entertainment medium takes for granted. This auction is for retailers with the winning bid getting a free all-expenses paid (by Mr. Lee) signing at their store. He will fly there, accommodate himself and make himself available. The first two signings will be free with all others requiring a donation to the CBLDF. This is a huge magnanimous effort by Jim Lee that should be commended so get your retailer on there to try and win the artist of the #1 book in the land and the head honcho at WildStorm. Surely this is somebody worth meeting! Oh yeah, Hues’ crap. Sorry about that. —UL
ROUND 5
For this round, I’ve gathered up some of Hues’ premonitions. He’s always toting about how great he is at predicting the future, well here ya go. I’m not going to bother to date these things but you can probably figure it out. —UL
That’s it, super heroes are dead!
Spider-Man: Chapter One could do for Spidey’s flagging sales what Man of Steel and “Batman: Year One” did for Superman and Batman. Redefine the character and forge him in a bold new and bestselling direction.
What? You think you’re going to do 300 monthly issues of a story about a damned Aardvark? Yeah right. That’s never gonna happen. Sheesh, that wouldn’t even be done until after the year 2000! Never happen. Never happen I say.
Boy, this Youngblood book looks to be the flagship title of this whole Image thing. If I had to make my predictions, I’d say Rob is going to be the star of this gang, Larsen is going to tire out and just give up and Todd McFarlane is going to be the one guy to commit to writing and penciling Spawn for years to come. The guys’ work ethic is amazing and I predict a 100+ issue solid run. As for Valentino and Lee, well ShadowHawk looks to knock everybody’s socks off, but WildC.A.T.s has no staying power, it’s just a cheap knock-off of Marvel and DC.
I think this may be the final nail in the coffin of super heroes.
Kevin Smith on Daredevil? You’ve gotta be kidding me. That’ll never fly.
Yeah, you can put whoever you want on Saga of the Swamp Thing, the book is heading straight down the toilet and nothing can save it.
Showcase #4 premieres a new “Flash” for a new generation. Are they kidding me? Superheroes are so passé. And you can’t improve on the original. Just let it die.
Looks like comics won’t be able to rebound from this.
Wow, the DC Explosion is going to be the best thing for this industry.
Well it looks like it’s a sure thing. If Marvel can just keep circulation marquee players like The Punisher into their lower-selling titles, it’s a guaranteed sales boost. And it creates collectible ‘appearances’ for Pun fans. It’s a win-win!
EC Comics is apparently an unstoppable juggernaut. Their crime and horror comics are transforming this industry and I expect them to be an industry leader for years and years to come. I mean, come on what could stop them. These books are HUGE!
You know, none of this is going to matter because when that clock strikes midnight the world is going to come to an end. Electronics systems will crash and society as we know it will collapse.
(So how’s it going in here Ms. Lyffe? Let’s see. What? What the hell is this? Are you trying to make a mockery of me?)
Uh, no sir. I mean, I’m just going through the archives and compiling this…
(But this is making me look like an idiot!)
Well it is YOUR archives. I mean you are what you eat?
(What? WHAT! Did you just say—)
Wait, wait wait. Is that a mud mask on your face.
(Huh, what… oh this. This is—what this is isn’t important, the fact is—)
You’re getting a facial. What are you, a girl now?
(I have very sensitive—you’re missing the point! I gave you a very important assignment and I expected you to—)
Heh-heh. I’m sorry. I just can’t take you seriously that way.
(Look, it helps me find my happy place. Now we need to—)
You’re masking is peeling Miss Hues. Over on that side.
(Oh for the love of, I give up. Redo it. You need to redo it all.)
Oh the column. I can’t. I kind of posted it ten minutes ago.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
