Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“Superman Underoos and a beach towel doth not a costume make.” —me.
ROUND 1
It looks like ‘Your Man @ Marvel’ is set to become ‘Your Man Not @ Marvel.’ Bill Rosemann, long-time Marvelite and most recently guru of all things PR spin control has announced his resignation from Marvel to spend more time with his family and perhaps stretch is writing muscles. A muscle that churned out the pretty impressive Deadline mini for Marvel when last it was flexed. Perhaps a sequel to that series, or better yet a guest stint on Claypool’s 100+ Elvira series could kickstart his writing career. Before you know it he’ll be writing Archie and Friends and if he’s really lucky, he can be a part of the NEXT Youngblood revival from yet another publisher in a couple of years. Of course, Robbie first has to publish the first two issues of the current four-issue mini-series and then for some inexplicable reason abandon it and disappear from the face of the earth for a year or so only to return with no noticeable improvement in his ability to draw fists and hide feet behind rocks and rubble wearing both the dopey grin and baseball cap. He could then sign a deal with Marvel to do ‘Heroes Regurgitated’ in which they take Spider-Girl, Soldier X, Agent X and Black Panther and farm them out to Liefeld and Marc Silvestri this time because WildStorm is doing alright over at DC and Top Cow is on the brink of utter desolation to each do two series apiece for twelve issues only to have Rob get fired after six and then create some more half-naked thinly plotted ‘character-driven’ series to let Avatar put nudie covers on before announcing that return of the property that is only remembered by anyone because it was the first ever Image Comic (back when all Image Comics were poorly written overdrawn imitations of Marvel and DC properties). Youngblood: Bloodstump will launch Rosemann into superstardom alongside the beautifully rendered stiffness that is a Rob Liefeld drawing. Of course, they’ll take out more pages of ads in Previews to hype the project then will ever be created for the actual project but it’s all about marketing these days, and Bill sure knows a lot about that.
So worry not about our Billy-boy. He’s going to be just fine.
ROUND 2
Speaking of Top Cow and their slow bleed (no relation to ‘The Bleed’ in the WildStorm Universe), they’ve just inked a deal with Dynamic Forces… whom we just LOVE here at Silver Bullet Comics, to have DF produce special editions of all their major titles exclusively available through Dynamic Forces. This is a great coup for Dynamic Forces but what does it say about the growing desperation of Top Cow. It seems that everything they try to bolster the sales of their flagship titles (Witchblade and The Darkness). I think that if they whored out books like Witchblade and Evo and whatever the next ‘my power makes me half naked’ chick they come up with to Avatar so they can produce nekkid variants then they might recapture some of that lost market. Of course, the problem with TC, and I’ve said this before and you just know I’m going to say it again, is that their product hasn’t evolved or changed or grown virtually at all from what it was in the boom time of the nineties.
When I pick up the latest Top Cow comic I’m all…
“Let’s do the time warp again.”
I’m looking across the Marvel covers to see how many feature Spidey, Wolvie and Punnie crossover appearances. I’m marveling at the comics for Guardians of the Galaxy, Darkhawk, Night Thrasher (coming soon to a UPN near you!), Nova, Sleepwalker and everybody else in a costume that had a walk-on appearance in an even remotely popular book.
I’m waiting anxiously for my shipment to arrive from Diamond Comics, and Capital City, and Heroe’s World (never knowing if they will arrive Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday). I’m telling my customers that the next issue of ‘random Image Comics’ still hasn’t shipped yet and I’m watching as Crack-Whore Comics announces their impending debut of a major shared-universe line of superhero books to crowd for shelf space with the likes of Axis Comics, the Ultraverse, Comics’ Greatest World/Dark Horse Heroes, Milestone Comics, Marvel 2099, Continuity Comics, Triumphant Comics and Valiant/Acclaim. I apologize if you had your own excuse for a piss-poor shared universe of superhero comics that you produced with your little brother and that fat kid from down the street who could draw big boobies and I forgot to mention it. Better luck next time.
I’m having to put on sunglasses to avoid the glare from the ultra chromium, gold plated, holographic covers so that I can squint really hard at this solid black variant cover to try and make out what the hell book it is, what that cover indentation is supposed to mean, which issue it is and how much jack they thought some fool collector was going to pay for it and now has boxes and boxes of it sitting in his basement wondering when oh when dear sweet lord oh when is the comic market going to turn around so that I can unload these ‘collectibles’ for the fortune I was promised. Note to that guy: It’s never gonna happen. Sell it as mulch.
I look at WildStorm and think how much that line of books has changed and grown over the years, starting off as a cheap knock-off of Marvel/DC and evolving into THE place for cutting edge mature superhero comics (sorry MAX just hasn’t pulled this off yet with few exceptions… okay one exception) and then I look at Top Cow and I see half-naked chicks on the cover, convoluted and dense ‘Image Art’ on the inside and convoluted and dense wording to go with it, just like I’ve seen every year since the beginning of the company. Even McDonalds has to shake up their menu every once in a while, and believe my Marc, you’re no McDs.
Personally, I think Silvestri needs to inject some passion and ingenuity in that line or he’s going to find his audience shrinking and shrinking and he’ll find himself having to sell the Witchblade property to Mark Alessi shortly before filing bankruptcy and announcing that he’s going to write a Witchblade comic for Alessi’s ‘Code 6’ imprint to the total and lack of raised eyebrows within and around the comics community.
ROUND 3
First it was a rumor and then it was verified. Rich Johnston, gossip guru formerly from SBC’s own ‘All the Rage’ and currently gallivanting around over at Comic Book Resources was apparently asked by Marvel to pitch for the gig of writing Marville after issue six. I guess it was because of his razor-sharp wit and acid-like takes on everything in the industry that made him a perfect fit for a book that’s supposed to be just that. No wait, that’s some OTHER internet column writer that I’m thinking of. God, this guy is brilliant, the one I’m thinking of. He’s got this great column that’s smart, witty, funny, likes to take long walks on the beach under the moonlight. Likes candle-lit dinners and ‘chick flicks.’ Oh wait, wrong piece. Damn, I hope I didn’t just submit ‘The Bill &Joe Show can just take their crappy comic that they didn’t ask me to write and shove it where even the Watcher won’t dare look’ to the personal ads. Not likely to pick up the hotties that way.
Not that I’m bitter. I’m far too brilliant for that. Besides if Rich Johnston gets the gig, they’ll need someone waiting in the wings for when he gets that call from Rob Liefeld to help him revive his much-missed Santa the Barbarian and Troll series and when Augie says he can’t do it because he’s decided to up his internet column to fourteen installments a week and nobody else is answering their phones because I shut down the main power grid for the global telecommunications system they can email me and see if I’d be interested.
Really? I’d be honored. Sure, I’ll pick it up with issue #12. I’ve got this great plan for-- what? Canceled with issue 11? Man, that’s just cruel. Well can I just tell you about-- Hello? Cold.
I bet if Bill Rosemann were there he wouldn’t stand for that kind of stuff. Bad bad PR!
ROUND 4
Do you smell that?
ROUND 5
You know what there is no Round 5. You get four good rounds of goodness and that’s it. I’m overwhelmed and undernourished and I have bags under my eyes the likes of which you’ve never seen. If you need more, hit the archives. I done just run out of gas.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
