Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“Why reach for greatness when mediocrity is just a remote control away.” —me.
GETTING MY GAME FACE ON
Nothing pumps me up more for a match than kicking back with my favorite funnybooks. Okay, well there’s THAT but this is a family column. And the only thing I like better than my weekly tower of books is getting to read stuff before any of you do. There’s gotta be a perk somewhere don’t there? In a week or twenty (depending on how slow I read) I’ll be taking a look at The Science of Super-Heroes a fun look at what does and doesn’t work in comic book pseudo-science. For those of you who’ve never heard of it, this… is… a… book. Note the absence of the word ‘comic.’ This is an honest-to-goodness book with hundreds of pages, a nice hardback cover and no pictures to speak of. Come on down from there, it’s not going to hurt you. This is actually a format that has created some of the world’s greatest literary achievements. Yes, more important than Watchmen. I’ll give you some time to work out the concept of a novel before I subject you to that (It is about superhero comic books though if that makes it easier). This week however, I’m back in the locker room, the coach is working out the kinks in my shoulders (from hunching over the machine and typing like a madman to be sure I rag on anyone who might ever be in a position to give me a job—nothing like blowing your big chance before it even arrives I always say—actually, that’s the first time I’ve ever said that) and I’ve got in front of me something new and exciting.
You’ve heard me smoking up Future Comics and they’re ‘screw you and your freaking monopoly Diamond’ (this quote is not actually attributed to any staffmember or anyone who represents or is related to someone who works for or has walked by or seen on the racks a copy of a Future Comics book). Those of you with retailers who realize there’s more to the world than Previews may have even seen their premiere issue Freemind #0. Well, I’ve not only seen and read that issue, but I’ve seen Freemind #1 as well.
The first thing I want to say is that I was really disappointed in the production value of this premiere issue. The zero issue came in standard comic book size with a glossy cover and the staples and looked like a regular comic book. Issue #1 came as a stapled stack of 8.5” x 11” paper with poorly scanned renderings of the art on only one side of the page. This isn’t a comic book people, it’s a term paper! The art looks pixilated all to hell. Oh wait, there’s a note. Oooooooh. This is an advanced preview. Thank god, I was beginning to wonder how poorly #0 had to sell for them to be forced to cut costs THIS much! So when it does come out it should look like a regular comic book with the same high-standards of quality you saw with #0 and can expect on all future (heh-heh, get it!) comics.
On to the book itself. This stuff reminds me a lot of the Valiant line. I don’t know if it’s the H.A.R.D. Corps looking uniform (and look I’m working from memory so you fanboys don’t need to call up and say… ‘uh yeah, but the H.A.R.D. Corps wore orange uniforms with seven stripes and they had an insignia on the left breast pocket…’ because frankly I just don’t care that much. It’s just the vibe I’m getting from these). And besides, Valiant was one of the best superhero lines there for awhile. Plus, I believe most if not all of these creators were involved with that line as well. Did I mention it was all pixilated to crap… oh yeah. Never mind.
To the book. #0 was a look ahead, I guess, and with #1 we get a taste of how things started for our bald-headed hero. And they started out with Stephen Hawking. Okay, not really but a brilliant scientist confined to a wheelchair due to a debilitating disease who speaks through a machine? Well it sure don’t sound like Bill Gates! Okay really his name is McKinsey Flint (Mac) and he’s part of a project at Flint Technologies (naming coincidence, I think not) that’s exploring mind transfer into machines, or some such like that. Essentially, Mac’s consciousness (or subconsciousness) is uploaded into this machine that goes ballistic, supposedly feeding off of Mac’s frustration at being trapped in his useless body. Much destruction ensues and we get to see the slick guys in the suit on the cover and then some cryptic words are laid down by some other guy that the ‘Freemind’ transfer is working. Somebody, I’m guessing, is sabotaging the experiment. We don’t yet get to see baldy who looks to be the star of this series, so I’m guessing when the doo-doo hits the fan with this experiment he will rise out of the ashes.
Truth be told, this isn’t groundbreaking by any means. It’s not forging into uncharted territories. And the artist has a bizarre predisposition with prominently displaying people using Palm Pilots (or some similar handheld device). The coloring doesn’t appear to be utilizing the full potential of modern technology, again playing to that retro-90s-Valiant feel, but they’ve recently signed Tom Smith (I believe) on to color this one so I look for that to improve.
Nevertheless, one doesn’t have to be groundbreaking to be entertaining, and this coupled with the ‘teaser’ #0 looking ahead at where we’re going, are nice teasers indeed. I have faith in the luminaries heading up this universe that they’ve thought things through and have developed a cohesive and logical universe. Their goal of sticking to a limited number of books per month also make the whole thing attractive. They’re starting off slowly and relying on word of mouth and internet chit-chat to let people know that they’re out there. As I stated, plenty of retailers haven’t jumped on board this bandwagon and they won’t unless you, their customers, tell them you at least want the chance to see if these books are for you or not. I mean, come one. This is David Michelinie, Dick Giordano and Bob Layton. These aren’t just fly-by-night nobody’s who cooked up a comic in their basement. These guys are experts in this field and have been doing this professionally at the big boys for years and years now. Hell, combined they probably have more years in the comics biz than most of you have had on this earth.
The retailers should believe enough in these creators to at least give them a chance. I am. I’m not standing here and saying that these are the best books on the market, because quite frankly they’re not. But it’s only the first issue and these boys have a lot on their plates right now and if they can make it this way, we’re looking at a major statement about the stranglehold that Diamond has on this industry.
Here’s the bottom line. I didn’t really ever read one issue of a Valiant book and say ‘wow.’ But I did read the whole line and after many months and looking forward to the next issue, I was thinking ‘these books are a lot of fun and I’m really looking forward to the next one.’ It was a good feeling and made me feel like I was watching something pretty neat unfolding. That’s what this line has me feeling. And considering that we lost all those nineties feel good universes, it’s nice to feel this way again. Now if I can just get my damn shops to carry the books!
ROUND 1
It’s not easy being green. At least it’s not consistent I guess. Didja hear? Word has it that Kyle and Ollie, GA & GL, the original Green Team, Green Lantern and Green Arrow are going to be taking on new scribes in the near future. Looks like Ben Raab is stepping in to take over the writing chores on Green Lantern. Meanwhile, Judd Winick, who writes Green Lantern now finally realized that Green Arrow outsells Green Lantern, so he’s moving over there. Besides it’s pretty prestigious following up Kevin Smith and Brad Meltzer on what was once DC’s top-selling book. As for Brad Meltzer. He finally realized that comics don’t sell worth crap and decided to stick with writing New York Times Bestselling novels. To each his own. It would be nice to have New York Times bestselling author as your ‘other job’ to fall back on if the comics thing doesn’t work out.
So, check your score cards, we have Judd Winick on Green Arrow and Ben Raab on Green Lantern. Winick is best with down-to-earth humanity of his characters so taking on a fully human character with no super-abilities whatsoever should be a natural for him and should keep Ollie on a winning path. As for Raab… admittedly must research to remember what this guy’s done. Definitely not at the top echelons of the comics radar for writers (not a knock to the guy at all!)
Hey, I found it. Ben’s done a lot of comics work. You know he should join up with Jerry Robinson (or some other Jerry) and make a company called Ben & Jerry’s. Pretty good, huh? I just made that up myself. Kind of makes you think of… ice cream. Huh? How ‘bout that. Here’s a smattering of what Ben’s done. I culled this from his very own personal website at www.benraab.com. We’re going in reverse order from the most recent thing with his name back as far as the archives will allow (you know this gets me to thinking. Everybody and their brother has a website in comics for toting their own brilliance. Where’s mine. I’ll send a signed copy of this very column to the first schlub who can create me a website for touting my own genius and brilliance! We’ll call it www.jhues.com: the website that’s greater than any other website that any other loser made and touted was greater than any other website because they’re wrong because mine is greater than all of them… or something like that. Maybe tidy it up a bit. Here’s that Raab-Resume:
Union Jack TPB The Phantom: “The Singh Web” The Phantom: “The Ghost Killer” JLA: Shogun of Steel Image Introduces… Cryptopia Green Lantern: Secret Files & Origins #3 (Lookee—GL experience) DC 1st: Green Lantern #1 (Ditto!) Comiculture #1 (this is some seriously good crap (he didn’t write the WHOLE thing, it’s an anthology, but he did help spearhead the whole thing)). Action Comics #791 (this was that Smallville-like story that had that great washed-out coloring style) 9-11 #1 (who DIDN’T take part in this one—oh yeah, me.) Young Justice: Sins of Youth TPB Jezebelle #1-6 GenActive #6 Fantomen #16, 17, 25 Excalibur: Sword of Power #1-4, TPB X-Men: El Club Fuego Infernal TPB (Spain) (Dude, he’s making this stuff up now isn’t he). Wonder Woman #162, 163 WildStorm Annual 2000 Star Trek Special The Titans: Secret Files & Origins #2 The Titans Annual 2000 Secret Files & Origins of the DCU 2000 Legend of the Hawkman #1-3 Gen 13: Medicine Song Gen 13 Annual 2000 Gen 13 #57-58 GenActive #1-4 (I think Jim Lee owed him some money or something. Brother is all over the WSU!) Fantomen #5, 10, 23, 26 (Now wait a minute, didn’t we cover this already. What the hell kind of order did they put this thing out in anyway? We had 16, 17 and 25 all coming after 26 here? (remember we’re going in reverse chronological order – don’t hurt yourself figuring it out)) Aquaboy & Lagoon Man #1 (Sins of the Youth) It goes on from here dating back from 1999-1993 but all of that is “Coming Soon”. I hope that means the updates are coming soon because quite frankly I don’t see how he can create projects for those years now. But if he knows a way, more power to him.
Plus, he’s got a two-issue stint on Vampirella coming up and that Green Arrow/Green Lantern crossover co-written with Winick which precipitated this whole mess. The moral of the story is that Ben Raab has been around forever writing on everything but he’s never really stuck anything out for a long time (at least not recently has he had an ongoing series). That’s probably why we know the name but can’t pinpoint it to a specific project as we can say with Ennis (Preacher), Claremont (X-Men), Gaiman (Sandman), Hues (Rolling With The Punches) and other legendary comics creators like them.
Wait, I know how he got this gig. Jim Lee still owes him money. And now that Jim’s drawing the #1 book in the land he’s got a bit of clout to throw around the DC Offices so he said. HEY, you hook my buddy up on that bestselling Green-Whatever his name is thing or I’ll draw like Rob Liefeld for the rest of this run. Well, since Jim Lee wasn’t specific as to which Green book he was talking about they, well he was but you know how those corporate types can spin things, they gave him Green Lantern, the lower selling of the two titles. If they throw enough money Lee’s way he probably won’t notice. And hell, Raab has a regular gig now so maybe he’ll forget that Lee owes him money. It’s all so clear now. And all I needed to do was mix a variety of prescription medicines to achieve this high level of lucidity.
ROUND 2
We interrupt this match for a life lesson:
Remember. In parody it is important to not offend anyone or anything. Like, say you write a column that’s a farcical look at the comics industry. You’d better make damn sure everything you say is 100% accurate or someone’s feelings might get hurt. For example, do you know for a fact that Brad Meltzer left Green Arrow because he ‘realized’ that comics don’t sell jack. Did you ask him? Did you do your research thoroughly? Did you get a signed affidavit from him allowing you to say that about him. After all, this is a column based on parody with a disclaimer as to such so you have to be careful that you’re not slandering people.
The reason I ask is because in humor and parody, accuracy is key. Don’t you think Saturday Night Live checks with President Bush when they’re spoofing him on the air to make sure that every line uttered was specifically stated by him and to get his full blessing regarding it. And you know they got permission from both George Bush Sr. and Saddam Hussein whenever they would have the two of them laughing and talking about starting a war to bolster the economy. And when they have Charlton Heston on there proudly shooting people and talking about killing, surely they speak with Mr. Heston to get his blessing for this accurate portrayal of his persona. After all, parody is all about accuracy and protecting those of us who are sensitive and whiney… I mean those people who are sensitive and whiney. Everyone knows that comics creators, and especially would-be comics creators, are extremely arrogant and insecure. They think they’re so awesome and then they freak when they get a bad review or somebody pokes fun at them.
So remember, don’t make fun of Claremont’s wordiness, or Lab Rats being so terrible, because John Byrne worked really hard on that book (oh yeah, sure he did—if you call drawing with a pencil between your toes while you sit in front of the boob-tube watching Teletubbies videos – BIG HUG! – working really hard). See there you go again. Did you talk to John Byrne. Did you verify with him that he draws with his feet. Are you sure he has those videos.
(Damn, dude. You just don’t get it do you. I don’t think this column is for you. In fact, I don’t think humor is for you. I got an idea, if you want to find something that’s more up your alley, I suggest you try Archie. They have a whole line of comics that are funny and light and by golly they’re not offensive to anyone. In fact, why don’t you stop reading this, run down to your local grocery store and see what the gang is up to now; my guess is that Jughead is cramming down a sandwich and Archie is struggling to determine if he wants to date Veronica or Betty. Oh that Archie!) –the preceding is not meant as a slam on Archie Comics, the Archie line of characters or any other Archie-related product. The author believes in the value of the Archie line and believes that their successful inroads into the grocery story and other mainstream markets are wonderful for the entire industry. Besides, Archie is a legend and his books should never end. Just like those excellent Walt Disney’s Comic & Stories and other Disney comics… oh wait. That’s right! Damn you Disney, I want my duck books back!
We now return you to your regularly scheduled meltdown.
ROUND 3
Fantagraphics has been around for 25 years! Congratulations! That’s fantastic. Now how many of you spandex-boys have a Fantagraphics book in your collections. Anybody? Anybody at all? Yeah, that’s what’s wrong with this industry.
Don’t you love it when people tout to know what’s wrong with the industry and how to fix it. Isn’t it refreshing to know that when you read it here that I really do know what’s wrong and how to fix it. Nobody else does but I do. And why you ask? Because I’m never wrong… always right. God asks me for advice (okay maybe not—its’ not like he needs my OK to do things, but it wouldn’t hurt to get my blessing would it? Okay, maybe blessing isn’t the best word. Damn, do you hear that? There’s a lightning storm coming this way!)
Fantagraphics has been publishing for a long time and in that time they have produced some of the best this industry has to offer, you’ve heard of that Oscar-nominated film Ghost World based on the, you know it, Fantagraphics publication. Seriously, these books challenge the medium, push it in new directions. You know we’re not going to grow and diversify by following the lead of Marvel & DC don’t you? Well, DC makes some efforts at least, but man there’s a lot of Batman books. No, the industry can only become what it COULD be by supporting diversity in content, approach and product. Something the fine folks at Fantagraphics (say that five times fast!) have been doing for decades. Congratulations guys on a fantastic quarter century and looking forward to more excellence in the next quarter.
And remember today’s lesson. Everybody has opinions, but your old buddy j.hues has the gospel truth. Just ask me and I’ll tell you it’s so. Hallelujah and please make all your donation checks out to j.hues / Gospel Truthsayer…
ROUND 4
Sorry, got a little carried away there. Can you believe the Squadron Supreme is coming back. And if you don’t care about that or don’t know who they are, can you believe it’s being written by J. Michael Straczynski and illustrated by Gary Frank. The same dynamic team that put out twelve fantastic issues of Midnight Nation from Top Cow in just under seventy-six years.
Man, I hope they’ve got some fill-in artists and writers to keep this thing even remotely monthly. How cool would that be. Now who do I know that would love to get a regular gig writing comics, to maybe make it their full-time job… besides me of course. Oh I know!, that poor Meltzer guy from before. You know the one that got canned from GA because the first two issues sold out and DC doesn’t like that sort of thing. Poor guy probably just doesn’t know what to do with himself. He could write all the issues that Straczynski is just too distracted to write, or can’t be bothered to write mere comics when Hollywood is calling. ‘Oh hello, Hollywood. Yes, I’m on the other line. No just comics. Here let me blow them off again.’ –the preceding is not meant to infer that Straczynski doesn’t take his comics writing seriously nor that he doesn’t produce in a timely manner for Marvel (he sure as hell didn’t for his own line). Please don’t write me a nasty letter detailing the shipping dates of your run on Amazing Spider-Man. I’ve seen it and it’s fantastic. Now if you could just wrap up that, um, other project. You know, Rising Stars. The one that started back in 1956 and is up to like issue 18 now, in the meantime you’ve pumped out like 72 biweekly issues of Spider-Man. Oh that’s right, the money thing. Well that makes sense, I guess. Still RS is pretty good stuff. Sure would be nice to see how it ends before it’s my time to go ‘Beyond the Rim.’
And to help Frank out on the art chores. Hell, John Byrne could just ghost write AND draw it. We could call it Squadron Rats. Can you see all the gold piling up at Marvel’s doorstep when those fill-in issues hit the stands. We could have JMS and Frank do issues 1-3 and Byrne do issues 4-50 to let them catch up. Then they can come back for a two-part epic in 51-52 and we can get Fabian Nicieza to write 53-75 (Byrne could probably still do the art, he’s got two feet so he can still work on his Generations crap for DC). And hell, don’t forget about Igor Kordey. He could fill in for issues 53-75 if Byrne is directing the Lab Rats feature film or something. He’s always willing to lend a ‘fill-in’ hand whenever needed.
Looks like a guaranteed winner indeed!
POST-MATCH CONFERENCE
I’ve learned something today. I’ve learned that humor must be factual. And heaven forbid an opinion columnist have a (imagine this one folks) OPINION. Lesson learned. I’ll do better next week. NOTE: Please read the disclaimer at the bottom if you find yourself angry or offended in any way. If you’re still angry or offended tear up some crappy comics. I’d recommend some but I don’t want to hurt anybody’s feelings.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
