Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“If you’re a sucker it makes it that much easier to get sucker-punched!” —me.
PRE-MATCH SMACK
Hold up. Wait a minute. Before you go any further, please check your prejudiced, pathetic, Marvel Zombified ass in at the front door. It’s just a simple screening. Just trying to weed out all those pathetic losers who can’t see past the rainbow-colored spandex into the greater and wider world of graphic storytelling. And I’m not just talking about the pimply-faced couldn’t-get-a-date-probably-got-stood-up-by-his-Mom-for-the-Prom, Spider-Man tie wearing loser who’d pay his entire two-week $125.00 paycheck to lick the soles of Bill Jemas’ shoes fanboy who not only loved the Clone Saga, but thinks that Spider-Man: Year One is the one, true origin of Spider-Man and that Marvel truly invented the sideways bound ‘Marvelscope’ format. I’m talking about those frightened retailers as well who believe that the Diamond Top 300 chart is an accurate reflection of the top-selling books in this industry and base their orders on that hallowed chart, ordering nothing that comes in below the 100 mark. Those retailers who still run their shops as if comics are valuable collectibles, running kids out because they might damage the ‘merchandise.’ Those retailers who stock only Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse, and maybe CrossGen on the shelves (and then not even the Vertigo stuff) and will only order stuff out of this realm by special request and then look at you as if you’re some kind of a weirdo (thus meaning that only fans who already know this product is out there will have any opportunity to read it – if they do all the legwork to let their retailer know what they want). Those retailers who have stubbornly clung to their superheroes as the numbers have dwindled rather than supporting and trying different genres to diversify the product of their stores, increase traffic and give their regular customers the opportunity to see what else may be out there. Retailers who operate out of fear and are helping to drive this industry into the ground with that fear. Retailers who listen to rhetoric from ‘The Bill & Joe Show’ and believe it and think that Paul Levitz is a stand-up decent guy who’s not afraid to face the hard questions and divulge a little bit about why DC Comics seems to have no strategy for growth and future development in this industry (just ask Mark Millar about his ‘rousing’ conversation with Paul Levitz… oh yeah, Levitz chickened out on that one). Okay, now that I’ve got you all together I want you to know that you might not like all of what you read in this column.
You might find things that go against the way you believe the world ought to run (i.e. the way ‘The Bill & Joe Show’ tells you it ought to be). You know those two are like televangelists. Now, I’m not saying that they don’t have good ideas, nor am I going to say that they haven’t done a lot of good in this industry, but let’s face it. They’re spin doctors. They play with numbers and facts and spin it to make the Mighty Marvel Machine look good. Of course, that’s their jobs. And let’s face it, Marvel’s print-to-order policy has done nothing but boost their numbers in the Top 300. After all, with DC and every other publisher you can always call up your Diamond rep and say ‘Hey buddy, add me about 7,000 more copies of that Green Lantern. Great. So Green Lantern has just saw it’s numbers jump by 7,000. You don’t have this option with Marvel. Once the initialorders are in, that’s it. But the Top 300 only reflects initial orders. So the shops have to order a little higher on Marvel, because with the others they can order conservatively, guage the anticipation of their clientele and go and add numbers later. Well that’s all fine and good but…
And this is a big BUT folks…
The Top 300 list that supposedly is a good source for sales doesn’t reflect any of those reorders. It is only for initial orders. So it reflects 100% of Mavel’s sales (as you cannot reorder or late order Marvel books) and only a fraction of every other publisher’s total sales for the month. What the hell is the point of this list?! To make Marvel feel good? To hurt all the other publishers? To give Rosemann something to toot about when Marvel’s books are all in the Top 100. Well sure they are under those circumstances. Well what about that Green Lantern book that saw it’s numbers increase by 7,000 (this is only an example kiddies). It jumps up the list doesn’t it? No. In fact, those 7,000 books aren’t reflected at all. What does this mean. It means that retailers and fans look at Green Lantern and think, well that’s not selling nearly as well as Exiles so maybe it’s not all that hot and maybe I shouldn’t buy it. But in reality it may be way outselling Exiles. The system is seriously flawed. In the current market, with Marvel’s practices as they are, this list should not exist. It does not well serve this industry or its future. It well serves Marvel and only Marvel. Either put out a list reflecting reorders and late orders (you can determine a cut-off date from which orders will be tabulated and generate that. Every other entertainment industry has an accurate measure of it’s sales. What’s wrong with this one.
Whew, I feel better. I’m such a results-getter with previous rants I fully expect a Top 300 that more accurately represents the total orders for the given products to appear within the next month or so. So, with that settled, let’s delve right into it shall we.
Oh, after you.
ROUND 1
Speaking of Marvel, and I were don’t you know, they’ve made a quickie announcement that they’re spearheading a new initiative to boost sales and readerships at ‘key’ moments in the books’ respective runs. Starting in January with the Marvel Knights Daredevil #41, which also starts the next major story arc by creative team BM Bendis and Alex Maleev, the “Quarter Books” promotion is officially on. That’s right for the low-low price of one US quarter (and you can’t get a cup of coffee or even make a phone call for a quarter anymore so what else are you going to do with ‘em besides collect ‘em for the sad little state-pride images on the back of ‘em) you can pick up this ‘Key Issue’ of Bendis’ critically acclaimed run on DD.
Oh by the way, a note on the spin doctoring I was talking about. Now, don’t get me wrong Mr. Rosemann is very very good at his job. But in an article regarding this over on that fine website that will whine if I don’t mention that I got this quote from them Newsarama, he is spouting off about all the accolades and good press it’s getting. One of the things he gets excited about is that the book “was recently named 'Book of the Month' by Wizard and one of 'The Best Comics You're Not Reading (Yet)’ by Comics Buyer's Guide.” Well I don’t have a beef with the Wizard claim because that much is true. But the CBG article was one in which the publishers were ASKED to select books from their own lines that they felt were ‘The Best Comics You’re Not Reading (Yet).’ Get it. Marvel chose Daredevil for this honor. So it’s completely asinine for Rosemann to say that this was named one of ‘The Best Comics You’re Not Reading (Yet)’ by Comics Buyer’s Guide because Marvel selected it as such. It’s a true statement but it misrepresents the truth. It makes it look like CBG or the fans feel this way about the book when it’s Marvel that awarded it that honor. I respect his ability to do his job but am amused by the spin doctoring that Marvel is capable of.
Back to the topic at hand. ‘Quarter Books.’ This is a pretty solid idea (I bet they’re pissed that Diamond officially decided to not consider these kinds of gimmicks and promotional items in their Marvel-friendly Top 300 because a quarter issue of Daredevil would likely come in at #1 and then Rosebowl could come out and say that Daredevil was the most popular book in the land with more readers than Transformers). It reminds me of another recently announced ‘Key Issue’ program.
This one is being launched by CrossGen Comics (you know the ones). They’re also going to be bringing special attention to the key issues (or good jumping on points) of their ongoing series but they’re not dropping the price for you. They’re putting a picture of a key on it. Now they ARE making these available at a good rate to the retailers to try and drum up increased orders, so if your retailer is nice, maybe they’ll pass on the savings and offer you a discount on these issues, but don’t take out a second mortgage to bet on it. But you know, if they make you put down less scratch for this issue and you become a lifelong subscriber to the series then they win too. You win by checking out a new and exciting title that you otherwise wouldn’t have given half a glance too because that whole sigil thing kind of freaks you out and they win by pocketing some more of your paycheck each month. Win-win. Ain’t life beautiful. Of course, many retailers will just pocket the extra change and never say mum about it. You know the ones, we singled ‘em out before the bout began up there.
ROUND 2
When will it end. And what will the likes of Dreamwave and Devil’s Due do when it does. Proving once and for all that they’re afraid to launch any major projects of their own invention, Devil’s Due has announced the acquisition of yet another 80s project. So it seems that their researchers who are digging deep into the era of big hair and big egos and small intelligentsia have found another nugget to mine for the next six months or so until the fad comes crashing down to earth and hundreds of people are out of work. What they found was Voltron. I know you remember this one because I know that there are no comics fans below the age of twenty-five. I’ve checked.
Well, Blaylock and his boys are promising a bold new interpretation of this once-mighty juggernaut which is good because it kind of struggled to stand out from all of the other giant robot transforming cartoon series of it’s time, all of which have returned in comic book form by the way. Some of you love Voltron. Others of you don’t. Me, I loved it when I was little but am kind of nervous. After all, I’ve found most of these retreads to be just that. Retreads that bring nothing new or exciting to the property and nothing that makes it relevant to new readers, non-fans of the original property and anybody born before 1970 or after 1980. Personally I think Thundercats has proven to be a huge disappointment thus far (unless you’re a geek for the ‘cats. It’s got nothing to appeal to the casual fan or those unfamiliar with the product. It’s a vanity project pure and simply. Something the creators can take into a dark closet and… let’s not go there shall we. The high road I always say.
These nostalgia projects have to prove themselves something more than just pure nostalgia or they will just go the way of the originals, and in much quicker fashion. G.I. Joe is forging the concept into the new millennium, literally. Is it great or groundbreaking, not really, but it’s trying to be something new and exciting. The various Transformers series are exploring both the nostalgia of the creations as well as forging in bold new directions and eras for the reality. This is what needs to be done for these properties to remain viable when the fad passes. That’s a major challenge for the creators (though the license owners are going to be doing pretty well either way. After all they were just sitting on this license making nothing when this boom hit. They’ll win either way so they don’t really care if the fad dies (though I’m sure they’d rather it didn’t. Fact is it’s going to. All fads do.
Flashback!
Alright stop. Collaborate and listen. Ice is back with my brand new invention. Something grabs a hold of me tightly..
(that’s all I got). I just did that out of memory. I can’t remember where I put my carkeys last night but this crap I gotta carry around with me forever. Why lord why! I can’t wait for the nineties nostalgia era. I hope we get a new Vanilla Ice comic book. Speaking of failed-once-mega-popstars, where’s my New Kids on the Block comic book. Come one Blaylock, you know you want this one! Remember, Joey’s the cute one. By the way, am I the only one who’s noticed that two of the ‘Kids’ are currently masquerading as actors on prime-time network programming. Donny Wahlberg over on the excellent new Boomtown and Joey McEntire (or however he spells it) moonlighting from his hot solo career (aaaaHAHAHAHAHAHA) as a new castmember on the also enjoyable Boston Public. Isn’t two former ‘New Kids’ on prime-time network television one of the signs of the apocalypse. That and having a trained chimpanzee leading the most powerful nation in the free world. We live in dangerous times folks. And if it all ends we’ll never get to see if Ron and Hermione get together in the next Harry Potter book. And that would be simply unbearable.
ROUND 3
So Gail Simone is walking out of Agent X after issue 7. How much do you want to wager that issue 7 will be the last of the series. Marvel’s not too impressed with its numbers and you know those rumor-mongers are back to predicting the cancellation of several low-tier Marvel books like Agent X and Soldier X. It’s a shame that Marvel can’t keep some of their lower selling titles afloat (after all they are STILL in the Top 100, aren’t they Bill!) And they help to diversify the line. I would think that you’d want to keep the more diverse titles rather than canceling them to launch another Spider-Man title, as word is they are going to do. But hey, it’s more about the dollar than the quality of the product right? Why have a critically acclaimed book of intellectual value (not that I’m toting Agent X as that I’m just trying to make a point here people—sheesh!) when we can clone one of our top-sellers and make more money NOW. While we’re at it, let’s stick an in front of it. That’s good for another 10,000 sales right? Not to worry, we won’t saturate the line. After all, look at our track record:
When The Punisher was really popular did we oversaturate the market:
Uh, yeah.
Okay, bad example. Wolverine. We didn’t overdo him and he’s our most popular character.
Yeah you did. He was like guest-starring in every title.
Oh yeah. Man, those sold really well too. Okay, okay but we didn’t do that to exploit the Spider-Man movie.
Oh? How many mini-series starring Spider-Man were launched then. Hell, you even launched Spider-Man’s Get Kraven and aside from his name on the cover where the hell is Spidey. Shameless!
Yeah, that was good work. Really boosted sales on that book too. I mean, ahem, uh… It’s not what you think. Those were viable intellectual books that were deserving of publication. And besides who wouldn’t want to capitalize on the success of such a film.
Oh sure, that I get but come on now. You ‘capitalize on the success’ of anything that gets even remotely popular.
Paul Levtiz: “You tell ‘em”
Oh you shut up, Paul. Let’s not even talk about how many books somebody who wears, or wore at one time, the name ‘Green Arrow’ is appearing in now. You wanna go through the list? Paul?
Uh… no.
What, because Green Arrow is now your top-selling book you think sticking his sorry butt in lower-selling books is going to help.
Well, it couldn’t—
It’s because of Kevin Smith you dumbass. Kevin Smith is why Green Arrow is your top-selling book. It’s not that Green Arrow is the most popular character, and sticking Connor Hawke in a book and trying to siphon some of the success from the core GA is just sad. It’s really sad, Paul.
Uh… Uh… I decline to be a part of this interview.
Yeah, I hear you’re good at that.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
