Born to a destitute existence,
J.Hues quickly rose to the prominent level of uncomfortably poor. His real name
is shrouded in secrecy but if you ask him he might tell you it's Jason Hughes
(Dammit!).
Nothing much happened until he
graduated from college with a completely useless degree in English, and then...
nothing much continued to happen. Subsequently, J.Hues found himself working
at a toy store. Later, through some strange accident he fell sideways into the
IT field and has been trapped there ever since.
To keep his sanity, he writes:
novels, poems, comics, grocery lists, checks (too many checks), fake doctor's
notes... Maybe someday he'll get paid for all this.
A genius in his own mind, J.Hues
uses various grammatical no-nos to mask his complete and total inability to
craft a single genuine or unique idea. He's never happy unless he is blathering
on with his own obnoxious opinions and ideas. Wait, are you still reading this?
Read the damn column already!
“I suffer from ‘Attention Deficit Disorder.’ When I feel there is a deficit in the amount of attention I’m getting, you bet your ass there’s gonna be disorder!” —me.
PRE-MATCH HYPE
Since we all know that “Rolling With The Punches (RWTP)” readers are the cream of the intellectual crop, I know you’re already reading Brandon Thomas’ “Ambidextrous” column right here at SBC. But if for some reason you’ve been in the hospital this past week after watching the series premiere of In-Laws and gouging out your eyes as I did then maybe you missed a little something we like to call ‘Behind the Panels.’
You see, I came up with this really great idea to review a comic scene-by-scene in the most thorough comics breakdown ever. Meanwhile, Brandon was struggling to come up with something to write about and as he often does he came to me for suggestions. After he nixed my idea of a classical deconstruction of superhero comics dialogue through the ages and whether or not it reflects the actual culture, an idealized version of culture or the establishment’s preferred depiction of culture, I reluctantly threw him a bone and let him take partial credit for my brilliant idea that became ‘Behind the Panels.’ And since he struggles with his column pretty regularly, I decided to let him run it over there rather than here, as that way maybe some of my rabid fans might wander over there when they see my hallowed name. Are you buying any of this? Yeah, me neither and I’m writing it. Well when you get a chance, head on over and read it by following this link: Ambidextrous – Behind The Panels.
And since you’re in such a clicky mood why don’t you check out the latest ‘Weekly Rewinders’ over at the message board. You can get there by clicking this link: Weekly Rewinders (9/25/02). I’ve vamped up the tone and approach to it so I promise you it’s not so dry and dull anymore (now it’s REALLY dry and dull). And watch out for ‘Hues Revues – Previews (December 2002)’ coming soon! While you’re there, drop me a post. I get lonely, and when I get lonely I start hacking into people’s computers so I can find out their real identities behind those silly message board names. Then I track down addresses, slip on a comfy pair of Depends and camp outside your bedroom window to watch and see who’s boards you ARE posting on… so I can kill them! Just so you know.
ROUND 1
Well the fine folks over at The Pulse got the exclusive here and it’s a stunner. A real doozy. Kind of interesting. Somewhat unexpected. Okay so we were just waiting for the official announcement. After the fiasco about Mark Alessi buying the character rights to Lady Death from Chaos! Comics, and his explanation of why he did it (as a temporary financial fix for Brian Pulido with every intention of selling it back) we finally get the word we all knew was coming. The all-new ongoing adventures of Lady Death are coming soon from CGE’s Code 6 imprint.
I though Mark Alessi was the guy who was responding to all the pointless sexuality and negative images of female heroines by avoiding this type of product. His goal, after all is family entertainment. Hmmm. Well, maybe you could get Jim Balent to bring his family friendly Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose to the CGE imprint. Vampirella and Demonslayer would also make nice additions. You could create a new sub-imprint with Shanda the Panda called ‘Family Comics’ and market them to Wal-Mart! Maybe you could get Goeffrey from Toys “R” Us to peddle the comics on nationally televised commercials during Saturday morning cartoons.
“We’ll return to The New Adventures of Squiddy the Super-Squid after these words from our sponsors…”
“Hey kids! Come on down to Toys “R” Us. We’ve got an amazing new lineup of comic adventures for you and your whole family.” Now here we scan close-up shots of the Vampirella model spreading her legs and cavorting around sensually. Intersperse this with some high-octane flashing images of some shots from the book showing near-nudity and graphic violence. We need some fast-paced techno music here, you know how kids love that kind of crap. Then we get some nice crotch-shots of the model (zoom in and out really fast) and we move to a shot of all of the books in the new Shanda the Panda Family Line Display Case from CGE (it’s shaped like the side profile of a nude woman (with EVERY feature enhanced) with comic slots for the following Disney-approved offerings:
--Tarot: Witch of the Black Rose --Shanda the Panda --Vampirella --Demonslayer --Lady Death --Cavewoman --Heavy Metal & last but definitely not least: --Penthouse Comix
Goeffrey: “Remember kids! If it’s skin and sin you want, bring the whole family down to Toys “R” Us today.”
Then we can have Mark Alessi walk in and put his arms around Goeffrey!
Mark Alessi: “CGE and TRU. Working together to raise the bar in intellectual children’s entertainment!”
Of course, the promo image actually makes it look like they’re going to forge in a new direction with the property so maybe the ‘boobs-out-to-here’ ‘half-nekkid’ Lady Death is truly a thing of the past… she went down with the ship and left Ernie behind! Brian Pulido is writing this new ongoing series and indicates it’s a whole new game. Humph, he’s over the death of his company pretty quickly. Seems kind of orchestrated don’t it? DISCLAIMER: I’m not actually pertaining to know anything about anything so don’t take this as an accusation of Pulido and Alessi orchestrating the demise of Chaos! to the detriment of the creators involved with Pulido already having lined up a cushy job over at CGE. Unless, of course it comes out that that’s exactly what happened. Then it’s “I told you so” over and over again… into the night.
ROUND 2
It’s a shame what happens to comics creators as they get old and continue to try and create. Stan Lee went from the father of the Marvel Universe to the disappointing writer of the overhyped and WAY overpriced What Would Happen If DC Threw A Bunch Of Money At Stan Lee?. John Byrne went from the man who brilliantly made Superman relevant to a new generation of readers and created the neo-classic Next Men to the man who subjected us to the worst reinterpretation of Spider-Man’s origin in Chapter One and to the longest ongoing series in the history of comics… Lab Rats (I think this one was canceled before issue 1 left the printers) (NOTE: Issue 7 hits stands today! Only one more to go! Buy it now or regret it for the rest of your natural born life and the first few millennia of whatever afterlife you subscribe to!). And we all remember the return to Marvel’s once invincible Infinity series. Try as I might I sure can’t forget.
They should just stop creating so we can remember them fondly rather than watch them whither. I’d rather send an old horse to pasture than the alternative. After all if that old racing horse gets out there and tries to compete and breaks his leg…
well you know what happens to horses that break their leg.
ROUND 3
Jeph Loeb and Jim Lee’s Batman #608 comes out later this month and according to Diamond the book overtook the transforming robots and whining mutants to reign supreme as the #1 book of the land! And it didn’t even need to drop it’s price to a nickel to get there! That makes this the first legitimate number one bestselling comic book for DC since Detective Comics #27 (if my sources are correct – apparently this Batman character is hitting it off pretty well with the fans). I wonder if Paul Levitz had a heart attack? I sure did. I bet ‘The Bill & Joe Show’ is having fits across the way. First they had to take second best to an upstart independent creator, but now this! AOL Comics has suddenly claimed the top spot with an ongoing series. And this could potentially be there for twelve months.
Quickly ‘The Bill & Joe Show’ began to concoct their next stunt. Still reeling from the fact that the three ‘U-DECIDE’ entries didn’t clock in at #s 1, 2 & 3, they retire to their think tank (which doubles as a dunk tank for promotional stunts) to concoct their next scheme!
Bill: You know, the Ultimate line sure sells like hot cakes. We need to do something more with that! How about after the Ultimate War, which should dethrone that overgrown rat at the top on it’s own, but after that we can have Ultimate Spider-Ham!
Joe: Uh, what?
Bill: You’re right. We need media coverage. How about The Ultimate Call of Duty, we can spotlight the real-life heroes of New York in theUltimate Universe. After 9/11…
Joe: Dude, that’s over a year ago now.
Bill: Hmm.
Bill: Oh, I know I know. In the spirit of Origin and Truth we can have Tool. I can write it and it can be a parody of our industry and all about how Paul Levitz is a Tool.
Joe: Uh…
Bill: We could concoct it as a stunt to help Black Panther, don’t you like that book. We’ve got some black fella writing it don’t we? Oh wait, of course we do, it starts with the word ‘Black’ doesn’t it.
Joe: Okay, Bill I think it’s time for your medication.
Bill: No, you can’t make me go back. It’s gonna be great. We’ll call it ‘SCREW-U’ and we’ll have variant covers and enhanced—
(Joe tackles Bill to the ground and holds him there until Bill falls peacefully asleep. Another near disaster averted. Thanks Joe. But suddenly Joe starts to think: if Bill had gotten to the public no amount of spin could’ve undone the damage he’d cause. ‘SCREW-U.’ Hmmm. That has potential…)
And so ends another exciting brainstorm session on the Bill & Joe Network. Tune in next week when you’ll hear Bill say: “We found these notes in Stan’s desk indicating that the Fantastic Four were actually based on a real life quartet of heroes at that time. Some indie guy named Sturm is going to create a four-issue miniseres that’s a slightly fictionalized version of this TRUE STORY.” Watch as the stunned fans shake their heads and laugh, refusing to believe a word of it. Watch as Bill stamps his feet and insists that it’s true. Watch as the fans leave.
ROUND 4
DATELINE MADISON, WISCONSIN. The Scene: The Trial? The battle between Gaiman & McFarlane over the rights to Miracleman, Medieval Spawn and Angela. CBG and ICv2 and a whole slew of other news sources have been bringing you the day-by-day blows of this intense and exciting courtroom drama. I’d suggest having 50 CCs of Jolt! Cola on hand before you delve into it.
Is it just me, or does the judge seem really annoyed that this case has found it’s way into his courtroom. As I’m writing this, the jury of all women (who’ve probably never even heard of a comic book—you think Todd wore the tight black t-shirt in the hopes that the women would think him sexy and favor his side of this case. Who knows) went to deliberate Wednesday afternoon and here we are Thursday evening and still no word. Apparently they’re undecided as to whether or not Todd needs to work out some more to better fill the tee. The deliberations could go deep into the weekend if they start arguing over the value of his balls.
ROUND 5
In the THIS REALLY PEEVES ME DEPARTMENT, Marvel announced two new movies in major developmental stanges. One is for Sub-Mariner and I don’t really care about that one, but the other one has my panties in a wad! As some of you know I’ve got a FANTASTIC Ultraverse relaunch proposal that I’ve been shopping to studios in the hopes of licensing the Ultraverse from Marvel and publishing new adventures of these fantastic characters (including Prime)—DreamWave’s next (so watch for it Pat Lee). After them, I’m probably going to go straight to Marvel and then abandon it entirely and morph the ideas into my own superhero universe concept (a superhero universe that isn’t anything like a superhero universe). Oh well, having your dreams crushed shall only make you stronger and this will make me STRONG AS HULK!
They say the movie is going to be humorous (reminding me of the original Captain Marvel stuff from DC during the Beck years! I always kind of liked Prime better as a more serious take on that basic premise. Oh well, we all know movies are loose interpretations of the source material anyway. I just hope this doesn’t mean Marvel has their own plans for Prime and the rest of the UV gang! Hey Joe! If you’re reading this, I’ve got a great plan in development for a totally unique take on superheroes that just happens to be the Ultraverse! Give me a call.
…
…
Damn, the phone isn’t ringing. Maybe it’s off the hook…
Nope, that’s not it.
…
…
Well crap. I guess I’ll have to stick with this gig for awhile. See you next week then.
K.O.
disclaimer: the opinions expressed in this column don’t necessarily represent those expressed by any sane and rational adult; they barely represent the views of the author and they barely resemble coherency as it is; nevertheless this column is chock full of satire and parody (as protected by laws protecting such things) and as such don’t sue me. look at it this way, this is all for fun, don’t believe a word of it (even if it is true), don’t take it too seriously, and if you do take it, take it all with a grain of salt—better yet have the truck back up to your house.
