"Those who can, do. Those who can’t, bitch about it on the Internet." -Simon, from The Book of Simon
Some bios list credentials, such as: Education BFA in Illustration, Massachusetts College of Art Occupation Former Production Slave, Ballantine Books Comics Credits Columnist, Writer, Artist, Editor Etc…
And some bios tell a story, such as: I can remember sitting in front of my television one morning, watching the old Batman show, when Julie Newmar appeared in that skintight black leather outfit as Catwoman. It was my first boy/girl thing. >A year later I was in kindergarten telling Katherine Burke that I loved her. It’s pretty much been a string of stupid mistakes ever since…
Still other bios state an intent, such as: This is a series of essays illustrating the life of one particular struggling artist as he plods through the world and occasionally bumps into some interesting shit.
But most bios just sit to the right of the column and are never looked at. So ignore this space and just read the damn column already…
Next week marks the end of the controversial second season of The Monkey House. Since I’ve got a couple years of this columnist shtick under my belt now, I thought I’d use this week to pass on some of the pearls of wisdom I’ve learned to all those frothing would-be writers just itching for their spot on the WWW. Don’t bother e-mailing me to call me a hypocrite if some of my points of advice contradict things I’ve written in previous columns. It’s called learning experience, people. Someday you’ll have some too.
1. Be original Every comic book website has a rumor column, a guy talking about trying to break in, an old pro waxing about the past, and a new pro raging about how much better the industry could be. I’m not saying I don’t like these columns. I’m saying there’s already enough of them out there. Don’t be afraid to innovate. The worst that can happen is your audience disappears and then you try something else.
2. Develop a voice We’ve all seen The Matrix. In one world, Keanu knows kung-fu. In the other he’s just some bald jerk in a beat-up ship. Know the difference between the real world and the world where you post your column. Not only will it help you to define yourself as a writer, but also it’s a nice buffer for when the naysayers speak up.
3. Avoid altercations Speaking of naysayers…the second you get into Internet print, that’s the first second someone will hate you. Two seconds later, they’ll let you know. Thanks to the ‘magic’ of message boards, every idiot can come out of the woodwork and ramble on endlessly. They’ll attack your writing, your life, anything they can think of, all because they like to see their words on the lit up screen. It’s best just to ignore. They’ve got more free time then you.
4. Stay humble At the same time, don’t put yourself in a bubble free of legitimate criticism. Don’t let your head get too big just because three people tell you that you wrote the best column they’ve ever read. Send a short reply, thanking them for the compliments. You can even bask a little in the praise. Just keep aware of when you’re feeding off it too much.
5. Don’t be a promotional pest A lot of sites will leave promoting your column up to you. Be tactful about this. Don’t be the asshole who pops up on the thread following every news story over at Newsarama or Pulse, directing people to your take on the story which is oh so much better. Again, innovate. I tried to stage a fight at ComiCon 2001 to promote my column. I was hoping word that I had decked a controversial columnist would spread and I’d up my readership due to curiosity. Didn’t work, but at least I didn’t annoy anyone.
6. The column you should never post It’s the obvious one. You’ve read it a hundred different times by a hundred different creators. It’s called "How To Save Comics". Here’s what you do: when you first get the go-ahead for your column, write "How To Save Comics," detail your revolutionary idea to resuscitate the industry, how to bring comics to the mainstream and get us all laid. Get it out of your system. Don’t ever post it. Hide the file somewhere on your computer where you’ll never find it.
7. Write what you know This is an old favorite, and it needs to be repeated. Don’t opine about the intricacies and inner working of a company or industry or genre if you don’t know anything beyond rumors you heard thirdhand from some hack. I was going to do a column about the lack of satire in fantasy novels. But you know what? I haven’t read that many fantasy novels to know if that’s true. Until I do, I’ll shut up.
8. Column versus blog I know people are going to hate me for saying this, but know the difference between the two. A blog is when you write; "Today I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Boy, was it tasty." In a column you can still write about the sandwich you had, it just better have some deeper meaning or metaphoric importance. Some say my column is just a glorified blog and it doesn’t belong here. But the reason why it’s a column is because I construct everything around a central point. We call it a topic. Whether I’m always successful is debatable.
9. Don’t quit your day job Most columnists I know aren’t getting paid for their web writing. Most sites I know don’t pay. That doesn’t mean it’s inconceivable that you can make a little cash off the Internet. Just don’t get your hopes too high.
10. Write for the column, not the deal If you start writing expecting a book, comic, movie, or whatever kind of deal to come out of it you’re likely to do more harm than good. I’m not saying don’t have ambition. I’m saying, if you find out an editor is a regular reader, don’t alter your writing and start pandering to what you think they want. If they’re reading you it’s because they like what you’re doing. So don’t change it and start second-guessing.
11. Know if you’re funny So many people are so misguided. They think they have a sense of humor and really, they don’t. Please, please, please know if you’re one of the comedically challenged. Otherwise you’re going to make sad attempts at humor that will just seem forced and awkward. Just because your roommate posted your joke to the Buffy forum and it got a few LOL responses, doesn’t mean it’s actually funny.
12. Simpsons In a related note, enough with the Simpsons references already! They’re about as hip as hard lemonade. Yeah, we get it, the guy who runs the comic book store is a fat nerd, just like most comic book readers. But not you, right big guy? You’re sooo much cooler. So cool you make Simpsons references.
13. And ladies… No more quotes from Sylvia Plath. I’m sure she’s seems really relevant to all you introverted undergrads out there. But come on. There must be another poet in the entire history of poetry that you can snag lines from.
14. The best word in the English language is ‘free’ Being a writer comes with some perks, you just have to know how to find them. People aren’t going to be sending you stuff just because they read your column once. But if you poke around a bit, you can pilfer some decent swag here and there. Just don’t be too indignant if someone ignores you once you mention the word ‘Internet’.
15. Be careful dropping names Just because you went to a convention and cornered Peter Bagge and talked about his comics for fifteen minutes doesn’t mean you actually know Peter Bagge. When you drop a pros name in a column, oftentimes it’s very apparent whether you’re really acquainted with that person, or just a shameless starfucker. If your name-dropping becomes a chronic problem, then everyone will think you’re a hack. I know this because David Eggers told me.
16. Watch your language Isn’t the Internet great? We have the freedom to use every one of George Carlin’s infamous ‘dirty words’. We can insert shit, fuck, cocksucker…anything we want, anywhere we want, as many times as we want. But my question is, why? The two cheapest ways to grab a person’s attention is violence and profanity. Okay, nudity works too, but I’m not going to rail against the use of naughty bits to catch my eye. The point is, if you’re going to curse, make sure it’s for a purpose. Otherwise you risk coming off as a twelve-year old who just got his first PC.
17. Proofread your writing A lot of website editors are really more like webmasters. They keep everything running, but they leave it up to you to post your column when it’s due. That means you end up editing your own work. Not always easy to do. But the very least you can do is read it over a couple times to check for spelling errors. Remember, like in carpentry, cut once but measure twice.
18. Speak my language, dammit I don’t mean English instead of Spanish. I mean, if you’re writing a column, try being professional about it. None of this Internet shorthand bullshit. LOL, IMHOP, they came up with that back in the dial-up BBS days, when time was a commodity. Most webcolumns are being written by cubicle tools working do-nothing jobs, with plenty of time on their hands. Do me a favor and SPELL SHIT OUT.
19. Mind your sarcasm I once made a joke in a column about hosting a NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) chat. A reader actually wrote to me asking if I was joking. The entire column was a series of silly non-sequiturs (the remark was connected to a sketch of Robin, the Boy Wonder and his green undies) and I thought it was obvious that nothing I wrote that week was to be taken seriously. But sarcasm works best when it’s got verbal inflection in the navigator’s seat. If you’re putting it in type, you better make sure the intent is really, really obvious.
20. Don’t be obsessed with cool This is another one that will probably get people screaming hypocrisy, but oh well. Writers are geeks. Each and every one of us. Yes, including you. Going back to an earlier tip, developing an online character, some of us are good at disguising it with our writing. But some get obsessed with this concept of putting up a ‘cool’ front. This also ties into believing your own hype. What happens is, you get so preoccupied with acting ‘cool’ that you end up looking like a jackass phony. Sure, you want your web persona to have some style, but you really don’t need to waste that much time on it. Slapping a picture of some Seventies movie tough guy or other pop cultural symbol of ‘cool’ in place of your profile picture does not make you that person. You’re a geek. Deal with it and move on.
So that’s what I got. Two years and those are the lessons I’ve learned. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m right. How far up my ass do I have my head? Ignore my advice and see for yourself.
From The Monkey House a/k/a Simon It don’t mean shit if it ain’t in print
The Random: During that playground fight scene between Neo and all those Agent Smiths, am I the only one who suddenly felt like he was watching West Side Story instead of The Matrix Reloaded?
