Zelda

By a/k/a Simon
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People like their calendars. I’m no different. I am constantly giving power to dates, expecting cycles to end like the change of a day will simply change everything. I say things like, maybe twenty-six is the year I’m supposed to be on the verge of breaking and twenty-seven will be better. Over the years, I’ve lost a lot of interest in holidays. But I still go out of my way to celebrate anniversaries and birthdays. As of next week, Watts and I will have been together for a year. Since so much has been said about her in this column, I thought I should mark that occasion here. A little advance warning, I may be getting sappy with this one.

Dark Side
Things with Watts and I have actually been going on for a bit longer than a year. We started shtupping back in September of 2001 (and no, it had nothing to do with that day everyone likes to reference). She established herself as my ‘naked friend’, the person you go to when you’re looking for a little sumthin’ sumthin’, but you’re not dating. I’d never had a naked friend before, but I was curious to see if it actually worked. The concept of two people who are friends, who just happen to get naked sometimes and bump into each other with no emotional attachment beyond friendship intrigued me. Another co-worker I was bumping uglies with at the time told me it was impossible, that sooner or later feelings develop. I’m not going to say that she’s right, because I certainly didn’t develop any feelings for her. I think what happened between Watts and I was that we spent more and more time together and just realized how much we both kick ass.

Watts named our encounters ‘Dark Side’. A large part of this was influenced by her being the Star Wars guru at Ballantine. But the underlying idea was that we were straying from convention. I’m not saying we were the first to come up with the naked friends idea, just that it’s not as common as regular dating. Hell, Darth Vader wasn’t the only Sith Lord, ya know. Okay, enough geek stuff.

The way it worked was that one or the other of us would e-mail with the two simple words: Dark Side. If the other was free, it was on. By May of last year this was becoming an increasingly regular occurrence. We were both still playing the field at the time, but the thing between us was evolving into something more than friendship. The way we go together makes it hard to establish an anniversary. So I left it up to Watts. According to her, everything changed at Spider-man. Star Wars and Spider-man, this sounds like a nerd dream, doesn’t it? (In my defense, I’ll say that I was only mildly interested in seeing the movie)

That week, one of Watts’ cousins in Canada died. The same day she found out, someone at work gave me a pass to an advanced screening of Spider-man. I was all set to go but offered to have a drink with Watts after work and before the movie. To make things short, I didn’t end up going to the movie. My friend was upset and I stuck around to comfort her in whatever way she needed. Yes, it ended up naked. Days later we set a date to see Spider-man the night it opened. The way she tells it, it was the first time that she went out of her way to dress nicely for me. It was then that she realized I was more than just a friend to her. I think it took me a little while longer to come around, but you heard the lady. The night Spider-man opened is the date we’ve established as our official anniversary. This year we celebrate with X-men 2. One of these years I hope it will be a comic property I actually give a shit about.

My Sharon-a
So what is it about Watts that drives me nuts? The bitter, cynical people out there will say that it’s because she pays for everything. Well, here’s a little nugget of information for you. In late August the tables turn three-sixty. Watts starts nursing school and, hopefully I’ll have a job by then. At that point, I end up paying for everything. It will be a great chance for me to make up for being a leech all these months. If you think I love Watts because she’s my sugar momma, you’d be dead wrong. I can’t even remember how many times I’ve told her I hate having to rely on her to pay for things. We’re flipping it over in August and then I’ll get my chance to show her how much I’ve appreciated everything she’s done for me financially. At the end of the summer, I get to be the Sharon Osbourne for a change.

Maybe what I love about Watts is that she meets the criteria I established when I broke up with my last girlfriend. Superficially, I was hoping for a brunette, who wasn’t a twig, had a distinctive personal style that didn’t annoy me, and had a killer ass, since none of my past girlfriends had that quality. With Watts you can put a check next to each of those boxes. She’s my own personal Bettie Page meets Joan Jett. But below the surface I wanted a genuinely strong woman, who was smarter than me in subjects I know little or nothing about, who could maybe kick my ass, and wasn’t looking for washboard abs and a big bank account. Oh, and she absolutely could not be funny (I have to be an insecure male in one regard). Once again, mark them all off, because Watts fits the bill.

There are two kinds of feminists in this world, Verbal Feminists and Active Feminists. VF’s can quote the dogma of Betty Friedan and will chew your ear off about how strong they are and what women deserve as they drop the ‘f’ word incessantly. But, when you really get to know them, they are weak people who will bend easily to the will of someone more assertive. A Verbal Feminist uses the label ‘feminist’ as a crutch to prop up their own feeble strength of character. They have to keep telling themselves that they deserve all the things that the movement sought to gain, but they will give it all up the second a man puts a little pressure on. In contrast, an Active Feminist will very rarely even mention that they are a feminist at all. They don’t need to mention a label in order to have power. They’re too busy out there living the life the movement demanded to be sitting around complaining that women aren’t getting what they deserve. The Active Feminist is getting what she deserves because she shut her mouth, got off her ass, and took it. Whereas the Verbal Feminist is a pushover, you don’t fuck with the Active Feminist. She won’t waste time arguing women’s rights with you. She’ll just put you through the damn floor.

And that’s a big part of why I love Watts, she’s the epitome of an Active Feminist. I’ve heard her use the ‘f’ word maybe once or twice, so I know she believes in the ideas. But unlike past girlfriends who would ramble on and on about feminism and then let me manipulate them with very little effort, Watts doesn’t take any of my shit. When she doesn’t want to do something, it doesn’t get done. I can be a real pain in the ass for someone who can’t hold their own. With Watts I know my limits and I think it’s made me a better person because of it.

Beyond just being able to stand up for herself in the relationship, I admire what Watts has achieved. So far she’s managed to record two albums with her old band, start up another kick ass group, establish herself as the Star Wars expert at the largest book publisher in the world, own two houses in Jersey, and successfully get into nursing school. I think it’s that last one that I respect the most. By your early thirties, convention says that you should be established in the career that you will spend the rest of your life at. Watts could very easily move up the ladder at Random House, but she realized that that isn’t where her heart is. It’s taken a lot of guts to make such a drastic shift, to throw away that security. But she’s decided that she doesn’t have the necessary love for book publishing and that nursing is where her passion lies. I’ve never understood why we have to spend out entire lives working only one job. Watts is living proof that that doesn’t have to be the case. Do something until you don’t love it anymore, then find something else.

The reason I wanted someone smarter than me in subjects I’m not all that knowledgeable about is because I wanted someone who, intellectually, brought something new to the table. I’d been through art school and, mostly due to the environment I suppose, we all dated artists. We all came from the same background of classes and, as far as new ideas are concerned, it got kind of like inbreeding, the gene pool getting weaker because we were all swimming in the same regurgitated concepts. Likewise when I first moved to New York and hung around a lot of actors. All they did was date other actors. All they talked about was acting. It got so monotonous and stunted. I wanted someone who could make me think about things that I wouldn’t encounter if I were around people just like me. Watts is a classically trained musician who has toured all over with a rock band, works in book publishing, and is on her way to becoming a nurse. Even her knowledge of book publishing is different from mine, since she’s on the production end and I’m on the creative. But even without the publishing, with only music and nursing there is so much I don’t know that she can open me up to. And that’s oversimplifying what she offers my mind. Let’s just say we rarely find ourselves having the same conversation twice. Watts gives good brain.

In those conversations, she doesn’t always agree with me. And when she disagrees she does it in the best way. I’ve had girlfriends who will just tell me my opinion is stupid, or ask me how I could possibly believe what I just said, basically attempting to put me down. Watts can actually debate without making it personal. From vantage point she has plenty of reasons to act superior to me, but she treats me like nothing other than an equal. In my experience, that’s pretty rare.

On top of it all, she meets my most important criteria. She’s not funny. I mean really. Not funny at all. Sure, she tries sometimes, but it’s painful to behold. She’s intriguing and entertaining and stimulating and fun to talk to. But funny she ain’t. No way. Not a lick. And that, maybe more than any other reason, is why I love her.

Non-Wedding
The one thing I hear more than anything else is that Watts and I should get married. Over on the message board, in e-mails people send me, at parties from people we’ve only just met, they all say the same thing. I guess we just seem to fit perfectly together. I will admit, we make a good pair. So why ruin that by getting married?

Watts and I both come from divorced parents. We’ve also seen a lot of examples of happy couples going down the tubes once the documents are signed and the vows exchanged. The more we talked about it, the more we mutually agreed that marriage is like putting a jinx on an otherwise great situation. We also both agree that people should only get married if they plan to bring children into the scenario, and neither of us are leaning in that direction. Without the burden of children, marriage just becomes a piece of paper. Why do need the government to acknowledge that we’re committed to each other? I’m looking for a partner, not a legal obligation.

So I came up with this idea, and the fact that Watts loved it just shows how much we belong together. I call it the ‘Non-Wedding’. It comes down to this; Watts and I hope to spend the rest of our lives together. In each other we’ve found someone who makes us happier than anyone else we’ve known. On top of that, this is the healthiest relationship either of us has ever been in. And we’d like a chance to celebrate that. Why should the fact that we don’t want to get married stand in the way? Why should only those who follow convention be allowed to throw a party celebrating their love?

And that’s where the ‘Non-Wedding’ comes in. I had this idea that, if we’re still together in three years, we should throw a big, expensive party that looks, at least on the surface, like a wedding. Formal invitations will be sent out, we’ll register at certain stores, and there will be bachelor parties and bridal showers (and knowing Watts, a mother bachelorette party). All the usual trappings of a wedding. But we’re doing it on our terms. I’ve heard it said that the wedding isn’t really for the groom and only slightly for the bride, but really for the bride’s mother. Screw that. This one is for us. And when ‘Back In Black’ kicks in as the bridal march, people will realize that it’s our day, not anyone else’s. I’ll spare you the rest of the details, but the idea is to gather everyone who means something to us together and then express our love for each other with them as witnesses. And we won’t have a marriage to get in the way of a good time. It might sound crazy to some of you, but that’s why Watts is perfect for me.

From The Monkey House
a/k/a Simon
Worth a million in prizes

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