"Those who can, do. Those who can’t, bitch about it on the Internet." -Simon, from The Book of Simon
Some bios list credentials, such as: Education BFA in Illustration, Massachusetts College of Art Occupation Former Production Slave, Ballantine Books Comics Credits Columnist, Writer, Artist, Editor Etc…
And some bios tell a story, such as: I can remember sitting in front of my television one morning, watching the old Batman show, when Julie Newmar appeared in that skintight black leather outfit as Catwoman. It was my first boy/girl thing. >A year later I was in kindergarten telling Katherine Burke that I loved her. It’s pretty much been a string of stupid mistakes ever since…
Still other bios state an intent, such as: This is a series of essays illustrating the life of one particular struggling artist as he plods through the world and occasionally bumps into some interesting shit.
But most bios just sit to the right of the column and are never looked at. So ignore this space and just read the damn column already…
Enough doom and gloom. I need to take a break from lamenting over my bills, my unemployment, and my creative career (or lack thereof). Besides, someone I once knew said that people don’t like to hear others complain all the time. I guess one shitty reality is more than enough per person. And so, to lighten things up around here I thought we’d turn to my favorite passive distraction and the tool that helped form my view on life. That’s right, television. Since my Cable is going to get shut off on Monday, this week I thought I’d run down my former weekly primetime viewing habits, with a few comments added in, naturally. So, without further ado…
Monday The first show up is Boston Public. This season they’ve managed to avoid any teacher/student love affairs while still having time to have a Catholic student molested by a priest. Some of the overall eccentricity is gone, which leads me to believe David E. Kelly isn’t as involved with the writing this year. That’s a good thing. All I really need is an hour of Chi McBride chewing scenery and I’m happy.
At nine o’clock I turn my brain off and watch WWE Raw. I have to admit that it is my favorite of the two major wrestling programs. Purists will hate me because I’m more interested in the entertainment than the wrestling. Not that the show has been all that entertaining since Stone Cold Steve Austin decided to walk out, go back to Texas, and beat the shit out of his wife. It’s kind of a catch-22. I think the show might improve immensely with his impending return, but do I really think a guy like that deserves to be back in the spotlight?
I’ve been switching over to Everwood a lot lately. When I first saw commercials for it I thought there was no way I would watch a show where every week is about a son being pissed at his dad. But then they made a little kid a hermaphrodite and now I’m onboard.
The great thing about So Graham Norton is that it proves that, unless they have something to plug or a script to read from, celebrities are basically just good set decoration.
Tuesday What’s the deal with Buffy the Vampire Slayer? The first couple shows of each season start off suggesting the larger story arc. Then they give us a few episodes emphasizing some domestic situation, like her job. But once they reach the midpoint everything outside of slaying is forgotten as they move to the big climax. Just a little quibble I guess. I will say that this season, with its back to basics philosophy, has me more interested than the last two. And is it just me, or is Xander the most kickass character on the show, if only because he’s the sole Scooby without any powers.
I can’t watch Gilmore Girls. The witty repartee between the mother and daughter is just too fast and slick. It gets irritating after about five minutes. Ten minutes and I feel my anxiety level rising. Fifteen and I’m screaming at the characters to shut up. The mom is hot though.
Smallville continues to improve. Of course, the old nerd in me would be watching it even if it was crap, simply because of the Superman association. But the show has really managed to find a good synergy between the superheroing and that 90210 ‘pretty people with problems’ stuff I like. They’ve even managed to move a little bit away from the creature of the week formula. I don’t really give a damn about the lack of regard to Superman’s established history. Relax; it’s a decent show.
The original ‘put people in a house and watch them fight’ show, The Real World just keeps getting further and further from its title. This year they’re living in a suite in a Vegas hotel and their job is to plan parties. No one is over twenty-three and they all have rock solid bodies and perfect hair. Hey, that’s just like my life. And yet I watch every week, despite how much the concept infuriates me. I’m such a hypocrite.
I gotta say, Sharon Osbourne is a genius. If it wasn’t for The Osbournes I probably never would have bought Blizzard of Ozz. I can only imagine how much record sales have improved since the show went on the air. She made ‘The Prince of Darkness’ into more of the court jester, but it’s created a whole new generation of fans in the process. It’s amazing the success of the dichotomy. No way can this show last more than another season at the most, though.
Wednesday The Star Trek franchise really needs an infusion of new talent. Enterprise is still far better than Voyager (I couldn’t even watch a full episode of that pile of crap). But it could be so much better. All they need to do is bump up the danger level and make the crew less friendly. I get the feeling Captain Archer would allow aliens to insert large root vegetables into his anus if that was the custom of the planet. The show is okay right now, but it really needs some more backbone.
The next show is already cancelled, but I watched most of the episodes, so I feel I should say something about Birds of Prey. It wasn’t a bad show. But I think the biggest problem with this show was that it continually made too much reference to a comic book continuity it went out of its way to ignore. All that did was confuse regular viewers and piss off the geeks. It also felt a bit like Buffy-lite. I know I’m not the only one who wishes they’d gone with the young Bruce Wayne series that was rumored about. Maybe now they will.
Thursday More wrestling. Although I find I’m watching WWE Smackdown less and less. The emphasis is more on guys rolling around on a mat than guys threatening to hurt each other. I guess I find the setup more interesting than the payoff. The one true entertainment angle of the show involves an old man marrying some silicon ho. They’ve dragged it out forever, despite the fact that it wasn’t interesting to begin with. And when are they going to realize that live wedding ceremonies are never good television?
America’s favorite six white people of privilege has signed for yet another season. Honestly, it speaks boatloads of the desperation of NBC that Friends is still on the air. Most shows that popular like to end on a high note. But I get the feeling that one more year might be one year too many. I watch while wrestling is at commercial.
Scrubs wishes it were half as good as the worst episode of MASH.
The only show with the ratings to fill the Friends spot is Will & Grace. But I’m not sure that a half-hour gay joke will play well at eight o’clock. If it can’t, I have this bad feeling that Must See TV might become the new home of Fear Factor. Ugh.
Bob Holly beat the stuffing out of one of the trainees on WWE Tough Enough III recently, proving how much of a shitbag he is. How does a wrestler who has never put on a decent match and who no fans like get the clout to go in and beat down one of the best prospects on the show? Anyway, Al Snow is still entertaining.
Friday I don’t usually watch television on Friday night. It just hasn’t been the same since the Olson Twins left the air.
Saturday I’ve seen two episodes of Saturday Night Live this season. The first was the one with Al Gore, which I thought for sure was going to lead to him announcing his run for the presidency later that weekend. And I saw last week’s episode with some NASCAR guy (you know NASCAR, that show where dudes with mullets make left turns for three hours). From what I’ve seen the show has reverted back to its formula of being okay for the first half-hour and barely amusing for the following sixty minutes. Which is fine, because at least I get my fix of Tina Fey and then I can go do other things.
Sunday Something that has just hit this shore is a show called Coupling, found on BBC-America. It’s like Friends if Standards & Practices were a bit more lax. Not really much else to say beyond that. I watch when I happen upon it.
This year I finally started watching The Sopranos. Now, let me see if I’ve got this straight; it’s a show that goes on about fifteen minutes too long about a bunch of fat Italian guys from Jersey with delusions of grandeur, who sit around eating all the time and treating their women like shit. This is what the critics have been masturbating to for the past five years?
Whenever I try to watch Seinfeld reruns, more and more I’m finding the show dated and not a little bit annoying. I don’t think it’s aged well. But I watch Curb Your Enthusiasm and it’s like a less annoying, fresher version of Larry David’s previous sitcom. Maybe I’m just a sucker for comedy shows that have endings where all the plot threads that weren’t that funny initially add up to one crescendo in the last minute.
I’ve extolled my love for Sex and the City here before. I hear that this next season will be the last. I can go along with that. The girls are starting to get older and now there’s babies and stuff involved. I do like the introduction of that guy from Office Space, though I’m not too happy about the suggestion that men wouldn’t read a male version of Candace Bushnell’s column.
My favorite discovery of this season has been Six Feet Under. Another show I’m coming late too, and I get the feeling from the season ender that my favorite character is being killed off. But this series has a nice mix of quirkiness and melodrama and it even manages to overcome having one of those annoying teenage girls who sits around and pouts and rolls her eyes at everything.
Next week: ‘Reality’ Television From The Monkey House a/k/a Simon Same monkey time, same monkey channel
The Random: A lot of guys like to think they’re a Chandler and a lot of women like to think they’re a Phoebe. But the truth is, most men are either as dumb as Joey or as annoying as Ross, and most women are either as annoying as Rachel or as annoying as Monica.
