"Those who can, do. Those who can’t, bitch about it on the Internet." -Simon, from The Book of Simon
Some bios list credentials, such as: Education BFA in Illustration, Massachusetts College of Art Occupation Former Production Slave, Ballantine Books Comics Credits Columnist, Writer, Artist, Editor Etc…
And some bios tell a story, such as: I can remember sitting in front of my television one morning, watching the old Batman show, when Julie Newmar appeared in that skintight black leather outfit as Catwoman. It was my first boy/girl thing. >A year later I was in kindergarten telling Katherine Burke that I loved her. It’s pretty much been a string of stupid mistakes ever since…
Still other bios state an intent, such as: This is a series of essays illustrating the life of one particular struggling artist as he plods through the world and occasionally bumps into some interesting shit.
But most bios just sit to the right of the column and are never looked at. So ignore this space and just read the damn column already…
And it’s that damn day again. Watching television I hear History Channel specials drone on about this being the time for families to come together, to see people you haven’t seen in a long time. It got me thinking of a friend I haven’t seen in a while and a short-lived tradition we had. For a couple of years we would get together after all the family Thanksgiving doings were over, drive around, and list off all the bad crap that had happened to us in the past year, giving a sarcastic thanks for all of it. So, this year I’ve decided to revisit that tradition and present a sarcastic thanks list. I’m following it with a genuine list as well, since there are some major things I truly am thankful for. And now, the ups and downs of Thanksgiving.
Sarcastic Thanks I want to start the list by giving thanks to all those wonderful people who refer to it as ‘Turkey Day’. You people are fantastic. Come here, let me slap you up side the head.
I’m thankful for my dog for not understanding that the kitchen isn’t outside and realizing that I actually really enjoy cleaning up piss and shit every morning. I the fool who has you now appreciates it as much as I did.
I want to give thanks for Dubya settling the Osama Bin Laden issue before starting up a second war with someone else who just so happened to plot an assassination of George Sr. ten or more years back.
Keeping with that, I’d like to thank the United Nations for being spineless and bending to the will of the U.S., no matter how much every other country, save Britain of course, is opposed to a war with Iraq.
A heartfelt thanks to all those art vultures in Times Square who now only do shitty paintings of the Twin Towers to profit off the idiocy of tourists.
Likewise a big thank you to anyone who has found a way to make a buck off of 9/11. Your displays of the true strength of capitalism are proof that the terrorists will never win.
To the news media, thank you for giving J-Lo getting engaged to Ben Affleck equal weight as the UN resolution to send weapons inspectors into Iraq. If I didn’t know all the details of celebrities’ lives I’d probably kill myself.
Big flaming thanks to the state of Nevada for not passing the same sex marriage resolution. It’s not real love, anyway.
I’d like to thank Random House for firing editors who do a good job and try to innovate the product line, as bloated old editors who make too much money while the poorly paid production editors do all their work continue to sign shitty diet books.
Also that guy back in April who told me I didn’t have the first understanding of the written word, that the attitude of my column didn’t appeal to anyone, and that I should go away and learn how to write, thank you. If only Big Kahuna didn’t have a contract signed in blood forcing me to deliver fifty-two columns a year I would find a cave somewhere and stop bothering people.
And finally, I’m thankful for my naïve optimism which allowed me to continue despite the apparent public knowledge (despite the fact that only three people have read it) that my novel sucks and I shouldn’t take even the smallest kind word as encouragement.
Genuine Thanks I’d like to thank L. for reading the column and passing the word along. Watts gave you the snowball and you pushed it down the hill.
Big thanks to D. for making me write the damn book, even if she couldn’t help me after that. It moves me up one level from being the amateur who talks about all these great stories but never finishes them. At least now I’ve got one under my belt and another on the way.
Ongoing thanks to Sloop, the editor I’m currently trying to convince into signing me. Even without a contract and a check you’re continuing the motivation begun by others.
Without Big Kahuna I would still be just some assclown posting stuff over on Delphi. Halfway through my second year here and we’re finally making some progress. As soon as I get the chance I’ll be out there riding kangaroos with you in Tasmania.
I’m thankful for Kahloz and Neil, who help immensely with inspiration and research for my book. They also happen to be pretty damn cool friends as well.
Even though I’m not there anymore, I’m thankful for my time at Ballantine Books. I hated the job, but it had great ancillary benefits beyond membership in the BMG Music Service and making contacts with editors.
Endless thanks and apologies to my credit card companies for helping me get through another year without winding up on the street. As soon as I have some money I’ll get caught up on my bills and go back to being a fine and upstanding customer.
I can’t say enough about cheese. I’m thankful for it’s invention, whoever invented it, and the people who gave birth to that person.
Thanks to all the readers who have written to me telling me the liked or could relate to one of my columns. I’ve gotten a lot more feedback since I stopped being just another idiot jabbering about comics. I promise more dysfunction in the future.
But the thing that I’m most thankful for this year is Watts. We started out as friends and I think that’s what’s made this all so great. She’s been my biggest booster and helped me out immensely along the way. And most importantly, she gets me. Very few people can make that claim. And I’m thankful I’ve finally found someone who can. I’ll try to avoid being a dick for as long as I possible.
From The Monkey House a/k/a Simon Bird in the oven, pies in the fridge
The Random: For two days the news had been going on and on about this major snowstorm heading our way. It was supposed to arrive Tuesday night. I stay up late to see it, but all we get is rain. So the jackasses on the news are acting like we dodged a bullet, when the most anyone saw was two inches in Upstate. I swear, sometimes New Yorkers are pussies.
