Who's Who in the CBU 2008

Name: Regie Rigby

Regie is a strange, almost ethereal creature. Who can plumb the hidden mysteries of his dark and murky past - a past which contains a terrible secret. A secret that taught him that with great power comes great responsibility, that criminals are a cowardly superstitious lot and just who exactly knows what evil lurks in the hearts of men.

By day, he assumes the appearance of a mild mannered teacher, bringing the joy of literature and the English Language to classes of enthralled and enthusiastic students. But by night?

By night he goes home and writes lesson plans. Sorry. That's as interesting as he gets. Really.

The rumours about rooftop struggles with underworld uberfiends, the gossip about the hidden cave filled with hi-tec equipment and the suggestion that his car might be fitted with turbo lasers are all nonsense.

When he's not teaching he reads comics. Sometimes he combines the two activities. When he's not doing that he's either playing computer games or asleep.

Superwhat?

By Regie Rigby

So. This started as a discussion on the message board, and I think it bears a little further discussion: what exactly qualifies you to be a Superhero?

In most cases it’s pretty obvious. Step forward Superman.

Laser beams coming out of the eyes? Check.

Astonishing strength? Check.

Amazing speed? Check.

Several other powers introduced whenever writers felt like it? Check.

So far, so good. There’s no ambiguity about Superman’s super status. Ditto Spider-Man. He can’t fly, but he does have the amplified power of an animal, and he got it through some strange radioactive accident, so that’s all to the good. Then there’s Daredevil. Powers that regular people don’t have, gained in a bizarre radioactive accident.

But then there’s Batman. Superficially he checks out. Tights? Check. Cape? Check. Powers that regular people don’t have? Erm? Hang on. Erm, no.

We’ve discussed this before of course. Batman only has super powers if you can count flipping great wedges of cash as a super power, and I don’t. Does that disqualify him from the club? What about Tony Stark? He can fly. He can shoot beams of power out of his hands. He even has an Achillies heel – you can, literally, pull the plug on him.

But then that’s sort of the point, isn’t it? The powers that Stark possesses aren’t his. They’re not intrinsically part of him in the way that Superman’s are. Stark only has powers because he’s running around inside what is basically a machine. By those lights, the driver of your average military armoured vehicle is also a superhero. They too can resist explosions, travel at speed, and cause things some distance away to explode. Hell, if they’re in the Airforce, they can even fly!

However much respect I might have for the British armed services – and on occasion I might well use the word “heroes” when describing them – they’re not superheroes. In fact, that’s rather the point in many ways. If they had super powers they wouldn’t be heroes, because they’d just be going and stomping on people at no risk to themselves*.

There are other “superheroes” who fall into this grey area. The Punisher springs to mind – although as one message board correspondent points out – he’s not even a hero really, let alone a superhero. But he looks the part. He has the spandex suit. He has the logo. But that’s all he has. Well, that and a large quantity of firearms, but if guns counted as a superpower then every piss-ant terrorist and petty gangster in the world is a superhero, and I’m not ever going to accept that.**

So. We return to the original question. Do you need some extraordinary ability in order to qualify for membership of the super-club, or do the likes of Batman, Iron Man and even the Punisher merit inclusion?

Ultimately, I think it comes down to your use of the word “Super”.

If we’re using it as a contraction of the term “super power”, then clearly any “superhero” needs to possess some kind of super power to be worthy of the tag. Any character not in possession of such a power, Batman and Iron Man included just wouldn’t pass the test.

If we’re using “super” as an intensifier, however, as in “super duper”, well, then there’s a whole area of possibility that opens up. Because then we’re into the realms of opinion, which means that you have some discretion to exercise and the whole thing gets easier.

If we’re using “super” as an intensifier, then any heroic character who offers a little but more than your average hero can qualify. To my mind this would still disqualify The Punisher, who is, as I’ve observed before a serial killer, and not a hero of any kind at all. But Batman is a hero. He ticks all the “hero” boxes, and then some. So does Tony Stark – is there any material difference between his suit and the sort of enchanted armour that is so beloved of Arthurian type myth? I think not.

The same goes for the likes of Robin and Nightwing. They may well lack powers, but they are most definitely heroes. If anything, their lack of powers, in a workd where they are required to take on enemies who are endowed with extraordinary abilities just goes to emphasise their heroics, which you can easily argue qualifies them for the title of “super hero”, in the sense that they’re bringing just that little bit extra to the fray.

That of course does beg the question: “so how far do you have to go to be super?” Because we’re in danger of diluting the concept here. As soon as we start defining what a Superhero is in arbitrary terms, rather than in terms of physical, demonstrable characteristics, the new open the way for just about everybody to be a superhero.

I’ve known a few people you could characterise as “heroes” over the years. I once vaguely knew a bloke who served in the SAS***. He was a hero, so far as I’m concerned. As a member of the best special forces regiment in the world, he was clearly a cut above other heroes from the forces. If you’d called him a superhero he’d have pissed himself laughing at you.

I worked for the Police for a short time, and met people there who had done remarkable things to help other people at great risk to themselves. Were they sufficiently more heroic than their peers to be regarded as super heroes? Again, I would suggest that they themselves would not have thought so.****

So where does all this get us?

Not all that far, really.

In then end, as I believe I have suggested before, the best measure we’re left with is the old faithful “duck test”. If it waddles like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it’s a duck. Simple. If it looks like a superhero, and acts like a superhero, then that’s what it is. End of.

By that measure, Batman, Nightwing, Robin, Green Lantern, Iron Man and all the rest of the non-powered members of the spandex brigade, most definitely qualify.

But I dunno. Somehow to me they just don’t seem to fit. Perhaps I’m a purist. But to me, Batman will never be a superhero, because he, and those like him, just don’t have superpowers. That makes them all the more impressive so far as I’m concerned. But what do you think? Swing by the boards and let me know!

See you in seven…









*Pre-emptive note. If you were thinking of arguing that superior weapons technology means that that’s what British and American forces do anyway when they fight in places like Afghanistan and Iraq, you’re wrong. If you want to talk about nations, you might have a point. Iraq and Afghanistan were never any real threat to Britain and America – while I’m sure it’s true that both might well have harboured terrorists who could have carried out atrocities, they could do nothing that would come close to destroying the nation. Britain and America, by contrast have got, and have used, the power to rain destruction on their enemies in both countries on a massive scale.

That much I’ll concede.

But on an individual level, individual soldiers put themselves in mortal peril. Casualty figures demonstrate pretty comprehensively that western troops are not invulnerable.

**Well, OK, they might qualify as supervillains instead, but I still don’t think I want to accept that. There’s nothing super about a dickhead with a gun.

***I only discovered that after he was killed in action – and even then only by joining the dots. I knew he’d been killed in a particular operation, and it was reported that the only person killed in that operation was a member of the SAS. So far as I knew he was in the Royal Artillery – they really don’t advertise their status as elite troops, it seems.

****We could go on. I know medical practitioners, teachers, fire crews and others who could all be described as more heroic than your average hero. It wouldn’t feel right to label them as “superheroes”.