Always one to pursue useless knowledge wherever he can find it in a seemingly never-ending quest to achieve the improbable and downright unlikely status of modern-day Renaissance man, Mark Bittmann has indulged his desire to never be lost in any conversation, by developing an arcane understanding of things of little consequence or import while maintaining his alleged status as a small fish in a small pond.
As long as his self-indulgent whim is catered to, he manages to sustain the facade of someone under the misperception that others care about what he thinks. With a ubiquity normally reserved for greenhouse gasses, he chases his random and inconsequential thoughts with all the tenacity of a banana peel. This is his life, his curse, and his twisted and maniacal way of impressing the ladies.
Every child probably goes through the phase of wanting to play superhero. In its most common form this usually entails fastening a towel to their shirt in an effort to emulate Superman’s or Batman’s cape. I can recall doing this with my friends up until age seven, when I had a Batman Halloween costume that my mom made from a sewing pattern. It came replete with gray tights, the shirt which the familiar yellow and black bat symbol was emblazoned on. Made entirely of cloth and a little strategically placed elastic, I had (still have actually) blue cloth gloves with the little bat wings on them and pieces that resembled blue boots, also made of cloth, which I pulled on my calf to lay over my sneakers to emulate Batman’s boots. It even has a full head mask, also made entirely from blue cloth (batman was blue and gray in those days) complete with the little bat ears. She even made a yellow cloth utility belt for me that had snapped pockets resembling Batman’s to store imaginary, Bat-gear. Coolest of all was the cape. It snapped in the front and looked just like the Dark Knight’s. I actually had two capes, as I wore out one and mom had to make another. I wore that thing everywhere, mostly without the rest of the outfit. In my cape I was the hero I’d imagined myself into being. There was nothing I couldn’t do, no criminal’s plans I couldn’t foil. I was Batman…until bedtime anyway. No matter what the problem, be it my icky sister stealing my comics or the cat eating the dog’s food, I, Batman would stop them.
As the years passed, I outgrew that costume, but not Batman. I no longer felt a need to live out childish fantasy through dressing up as a superhero, but did begin to understand that there was more to the notion of super-heroics than just strapping on a cape and cowl and beating bad guys into submission. As I grew older, it seemed to me there are probably many levels to being a costumed vigilante. Eventually, I came to the realization that nothing in life is as idyllic one might think, not the girl next door, not love as portrayed in the movies and certainly not the white-washed personalities the media would have us believe are possessed by mere mortals in positions of power and influence. Politicians and Fat Cats, like superheroes, are ultimately human, after all and, like superheroes, are in quite the position to indulge their slightest whim and must also answer to a higher level of scrutiny.
All aspects of any person’s existence are subject to so many different influences, intrusions and rules of conduct that for one to proclaim themselves above such things (not to mention above the law) and go about executing their self-appointed role of law enforcement officer that answers to no one and walks a line between being someone who can be sued for assault and someone to be lauded for their citizens arrest record takes a staggering amount of hubris. These people sport brass that would make your average free-hand rock climber green with envy. Then again, maybe it requires more of a personality willing to entertain folly once in a while, rather than balls. It could very well be that their convictions are born of blind rage, a righteous sense of vengeance that clouds their better judgment and lends credence to their actions…in their own minds anyway. Or maybe they just like imposing their will on those who don’t meet their standard of proper societal behavior. More and more the gray areas of the life of a superhero come to light as the true workings of society and the actions of those in power make an impression and one realizes that a hero of world influence, a political animal with a cape, like Superman could not possibly avoid the corrupt and dirty business of world politics.
I imagine a hero like Captain America or Superman would probably spend as much time massaging the relations of planet-wide foreign policy because of their actions being associated with their native land (ok, so Supes is an interstellar immigrant - work with me here). Considering the way he literally wraps himself in the flag, a cat like Captain America must endure a veritable shitstorm of flak in the international press, particularly when he’s working with S.H.I.E.L.D. Nick Fury’s outfit may be the last and best line of defense against the evils of terrorism, espionage and military incursion in the US, but it’s likely his organization is met with a certain questioning ambivalence the rest of the world over. The United States government doesn’t always act with the greatest sense of international tact or diplomacy, so a helicarrier the size of a football stadium floating around wherever it pleases, deploying all manner of surveillance, spook operatives and governmental intimidation probably doesn’t escape the skepticism of the international community, no matter how much of a sense of security it seems to add to the U.S. and her allies. Given our recent defiance of international law of the United Nations in pursuit of our oil interests for specious reasons, much to the disdain of the rest of the planet, trepidation on their part is likely. It could be that Captain America may end up splitting his time between trying to burnish our tarnished image with the rest of the world and cracking commie skulls. Such a fate would be a waste of leadership and, frankly, our government could use some these days.
Superman would have an even more difficult time with his ability to be just about anywhere he’s needed at any given time. For example, suppose two or more different crises occur on opposite sides of the planet simultaneously and he must decide which to tend to. How is he to choose whom he should lend aid? Must he factor international politics into any decision he may come to? Will the United States be blamed if he chooses the fate of the populace of one country over another? And what if his own politics begins to differ from the official stand of his homeland? Will we then have an unstoppable darling of the press, a worldwide attention getter, imposing his personal views on the wishes of our democracy? Suppose he gets infected with some sort of whacky Kryptonite that causes him to blow a gasket, go rogue and begin dealing with what he determines to be the world’s problems in his own violently inimitable style? Who will then stop him? Seems to me the only way to bring an end to his campaign will be to fight fire with fire.
He’s got the ring and Commissioner has a signal. Only one man possesses the ring, the mettle, grit and brilliance to come up with the ultimate solution to a super-powered wild card like a Man of Steel run amok. All the Dark Knight need do is lure Superman onto an isolated area, detonate a tactical nuke to cut off the sunlight to a hundred or so square miles of surrounding area and let the remaining radiation do the rest. Only his costume will be left by the time the island is fit or exploration once again
They may have powers, but if they are used for political purposes or for imposing their will upon others, then said powers are being misused. Seems as though it was all a lot less complicated when I was just that kid in the Batman costume playing hero.
