Small Town Hero

By Mark Bittmann

Why is it that big cities sport so many superheroes?

What makes New York City, Gotham City and Metropolis so special that they seem to hold the monopoly on caped crusaders in residence? What? They don’t have guilt in Anytown, USA? No one’s parents meet with an untimely death, stumble on a baby-piloted alien spacecraft or produce mutant offspring? Is there an unwritten rule somewhere dictating that nobody gets bitten by a radioactive Mole Rat in any city with a population of less than a million residents? Sure superheroes are born all over the place, but they always seem to gravitate to the more densely populated areas eventually, don’t they? Whatsamatter, Smallville wasn’t good enough for Superman? Not enough leggy reporters to tell the world of his feats of daring-do and take smarmy flights through smog-leaden clouds with? Is a life of lifting engines out of tractors, racing trains and posing regally in wheat fields so repelling a thought that he left behind his aging parents to seek a little personal gratification under the guise of truth, justice and the American way?

There are X-Men born worldwide and yet somehow they all end up in Westchester, sipping tea and whining about their bad skin, or whatever it is that makes them feel alienated and take life so seriously. What are they…actors? Logon to Ebay and get a freakin’ life already. And howzabout they spread those powers out a little and make sure the denizens of oh, say…Palm Springs, California are protected from the forces of evil (although some would label its very citizens the forces of evil…but I digress). With all that money tooling around in their mini-HumVee golf carts like a bunch of Shriners on steroids, jewelry and silicone flapping in the breeze, it seems an obvious spot for your typical heist of some sort for likes of the Gibbon, Razorback and the Kangaroo to consider. The X-Men needn’t consolidate their power so much, campus-wide cloaking device or no. A cause like professor Xavier’s needn’t put all of its eggs in one basket (so to speak) by giving such a large target to the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants, should they decide upon simultaneously taking out his most elite students in one shot and (to conclude a very uninspired metaphor) make mutie omelets. Why not have X-Men outposts scattered across the nation and rotating sentinels of both up and coming and experienced graduates of the Xavier Institute possessed of varying skills to man them? Seems like a natural to me.

Maybe all that just isn’t glamorous enough for your average mutant wannabe X-Man or “free-range” hero – that is, a hero originating from somewhere other than a major city that has decided to make the pilgrimage to their metropolis of choice, whether it’s the New York of Marvel or the…er, Metropolis of DC or Astro City or Arcadia. Maybe the whole “bright lights, big city” angle to their motivations for becoming a costumed do-gooder play more into it than meets the ol’ super-vision? Could it be that the reasons for their having performed the unoriginal act of trekking to a cultural center have to do with a need to be appreciated as much as a need to help others? Are they helping themselves as well? I’d never discount feats of heroics as any less than such even if it were to come to light that many, or even some, of those who strap on the cape and utility belt aren’t in the game for purely altruistic reasons. I would, however, take note of fact that evidently superheroes, no matter how super, are ultimately human. An ability to fly, chuck batarangs like Crocodile Dundee or crawl walls doesn’t exclude one from the common need for acceptance and attention. The city affords big media, many opportunities for saving the average person from a purse snatching or from buying a fake Rolex. And while there aren’t nearly as many trees to rescue cats out of as contained in the suburbs, a bat-copter, telescopic, x-ray vision and all other manner of powers and gadgets employable in peeping tomfoolery never go to waste in a city crammed with cubicled, co-ed, corporate skyscrapers and a 50% divorce rate. Again, these cats are only human and as I have pointed out in this column many times before, the personal life of a superhero would make a rock star blush. What good is a power like supervision if you don’t use it to cop a cheap thrill once in a while? I’ll go a step further: try not doing it. Good luck. Trust me, sometimes the Man of Steel is literally a man of Steel, if you catch my drift? He has need like any other human…even though he’s an alien (sigh…only in comics).

I’d like to believe in humanity enough to think that someone who isn’t in conflict with their roots and has taken it upon themselves to put their life on the line in an adopted city might instead cast aside their own insecurities and decide to stay home and help the world on a smaller scale if not for some inner need to be acknowledged in a world fast approaching Andy Warhol’s fifteen minutes of fame prophecy, a world of “reality television” (a misnomer akin to “compassionate conservative” in sheer scale), HotOrNot.com and Girls Gone Wild. However, for every homegrown vengeful obsessive with a mask and a hard-on for justice prowling the alleys there’s another bussed-in, tortuous-past-escaping, small town rookie with straw in their hair and misunderstanding parents. So, what’s new? Wiggle your mouse if your parents understood you? I thought so. No one’s parents understand them, so what’s with the drama? They should get their cracker ass on the Greyhound pointed home and start making their hometown a better place to live, instead of cluttering up the mansions, headquarters and comic book panels of the big city with another unoriginal costume and a shallow backstory. They can kick around the homestead, live out an idyllic, little, yet meaningful existence restraining from breaking all local high school athletic records and convincing the local children that yes, there is a Santa Claus by morphing through, crawling or flying down chimneys with gifts on Christmas. Then, if some big trauma befalls them or they are called into action to the city by a chase or something and fall in with a group of other heroes that can help them achieve a little personal growth, well…they still ought to probably think twice about whether or not they are suited to life in the big city.


Copyright 2003 Mark A. Bittmann