Always one to pursue useless knowledge wherever he can find it in a seemingly never-ending quest to achieve the improbable and downright unlikely status of modern-day Renaissance man, Mark Bittmann has indulged his desire to never be lost in any conversation, by developing an arcane understanding of things of little consequence or import while maintaining his alleged status as a small fish in a small pond.
As long as his self-indulgent whim is catered to, he manages to sustain the facade of someone under the misperception that others care about what he thinks. With a ubiquity normally reserved for greenhouse gasses, he chases his random and inconsequential thoughts with all the tenacity of a banana peel. This is his life, his curse, and his twisted and maniacal way of impressing the ladies.
Remember When Senator Lloyd Bentson had to slap down political dimwit/punchline Dan Quayle during the vice-presidential debate back in 1988? Quayle was characteristically stupid enough to compare himself with John Kennedy and Bentson found himself delivering his now legendary and much paraphrased line ”…I knew Jack Kennedy and you, sir, are no Jack Kennedy”. Quayle shot back with nothing because he had nothing. No one in the country saw him as being in the same political league, much less as being made of the same stuff as Kennedy, so no one, including Quayle himself was able to defend the comparison. Although he made no concession that Bentson had hit the proverbial nail on the head, there was an unspoken understanding between the public and the candidates that Quayle’s assertion was ludicrous. Some things just go without saying.
Now, remember once upon a comic book when Superman decided it was in the best interests of the people of the planet Earth to surrender a ring made of kryptonite to Batman, to be utilized should Supes ever go postal and the need to do away with him arise. Figuring Batman as the fellow JLAer most likely not to be similarly corrupted, the Man of Steel sought to ensure the safety of Earth’s citizenry by entrusting the power to defeat himself with the team’s resident control freak. Not a bad choice actually. One can’t trust a Martian with the future of mankind when his last name is Manhunter. Superman is waaay too conservative to ever let himself be bested by some chick, Amazonian goddess or not. And what good is a kryptonite ring in the hands of a super-speedster without resources akin to the Caped Crusader’s? What’s he going to do, run around Superman in circles really fast delivering mortal-level punches and pray he doesn’t get clotheslined? Talk about a 3-second fight. Aquaman isn’t exactly known for hanging on to his extremities and is another loss of a hand away from having to use such a weapon as a toe-ring. Fashionable or not, it’s not particularly effective in either a dramatic or practical sense. As for Green Lantern? Well, Kyle Rayner just sucks as a character, so never mind him. Hopefully he’ll be the first to die at Superman’s hand and the insipidness of Hal Jordan being the Spectre will be a thing of the past. (But then, that would require DC actually considering the possibility that the reason they are constantly replacing their characters with newer or updated versions is because the “talent” responsible for editing their adventures can’t be bothered to let creators create. Think about it. Green Lantern has been completely revamped and still doesn’t sell worth a damn.)
If you ask me, the gift of the ring was merely a symbolic gesture, because in my estimation, super-powers or not, Batman could bitch-slap Superman into submission any time, anywhere. You think a man who has time and again defeated threats that whole teams of superheroes cower in fear of would sweat some overly patriotic boy scout like Superman? Do you think the one character who has time and again proven there is no one with more resources, meddle and grit wearing a cape really needs a kryptonite ring to defeat a preening, needy Dudley Doright-wannabe like the Man of Steel?
Please.
The last son of Krypton has eminent domain from one end of the far reaches of the Milky Way to the other. There isn’t a single place inhabited by all manner of celestial beings he isn’t capable of reaching should the need arise. However, there is one corner of the galaxy that he knows better than to even think about messing with: Gotham City.
Why? Because he is not welcome in Batman’s city unless invited and he knows it. So it stands to reason that he read the writing on the wall long ago and abandoned any hope of ever being issued a key to the city as long as it’s on Batman’s watch. There won’t be any ticker-tape parades for his selfless acts of bravery on a galactic scale (even if he were to go into the past and erase the insipid/desperate No Man’s Land storyline, or any other desperate-for-sales, event-driven nonsense published by DC). He won’t enjoy attending a dedication of a statue of his likeness at Gotham city hall. And he sure as hell won’t be summoned by the commissioner of the police to consult on any new anti-crime initiatives any time soon either, simply because a certain someone won’t stand for it. No mama’s boy, goody two-shoes poser like Superman is going to impugn the working dynamic the Bat has imposed upon the citizens of Gotham in general and villains in particular in his struggle to dominate the population of the city he is obsessed with the safety of. It’s taken him years to firmly establish himself and the denizens of Gotham as puppet master and marionettes, respectively, to risk the possibility that his city may want a more passive superhero in their midst, some glory-hound looking to satisfy his need for attention by impressing the locals with smiling feats of heroics. Superman is just too damn cheery to properly fit into the noirish atmosphere of Gotham. Some brightly colored bozo flitting about rescuing cats from trees and making people feel safe instead of intimidated just doesn’t lend itself to the darkly tragic mood that the Gothic architecture of Batman’s home town symbolizes. Superman’s character is the diametric opposite of Gotham, just as Batman’s is ill-suited to Metropolis.
So what’s to keep Supes from up, up and deciding to eliminate the sociopaths from Gotham for good and establish a better remedial institution than Arkham Asylum? He is possessed of superspeed, superstrength, the ability to fly and perform unusual and effective feats with his senses. Physically he has Batman completely outclassed. He is in a completely different power strata that Batman, a different weight class. He is one of the most powerful beings in the universe, yet he knows better than to mess with Batman’s turf because deep down he knows Batman could take him out without working up a sweat because he isn’t above fighting dirty and he doesn’t accept defeat. Should they engage battle in a neutral theatre (hell, any theatre), Batman would find a way to make it his element. He would employ various traps and other resources to wear out the Man of Steel until he has him where he wants him. Then he would find some way of delivering the final blow up close and personal so Superman could look into his eyes and know that the man in complete control of his fate is taking the time to grin as he delivers defeat in a cold and decisive manner.
Maybe on the surface Superman had all of the best intentions when he gave the kryptonite ring to Batman for safekeeping, but in the back of his mind he had to have reasoned that Vito Corleone may have been on to something when he advised that one keep their enemies closer than friends, especially when Batman treads such a fine line between the two. He can pretty up the gesture all he wants with platitudes about it being the best thing for the safety of the people of planet Earth and all that. The bottom line is that surrendering the ring to Batman is a mere formality and the only realistic purpose it serves is to assist Batman in accelerating the inevitable outcome of any tussle they may engage in.
