Always one to pursue useless knowledge wherever he can find it in a seemingly never-ending quest to achieve the improbable and downright unlikely status of modern-day Renaissance man, Mark Bittmann has indulged his desire to never be lost in any conversation, by developing an arcane understanding of things of little consequence or import while maintaining his alleged status as a small fish in a small pond.
As long as his self-indulgent whim is catered to, he manages to sustain the facade of someone under the misperception that others care about what he thinks. With a ubiquity normally reserved for greenhouse gasses, he chases his random and inconsequential thoughts with all the tenacity of a banana peel. This is his life, his curse, and his twisted and maniacal way of impressing the ladies.
Superheroing must be absolute hell on relationships and the ability to lead a semi-normal life when out of the costume. There they are with their significant other bellied up to a nice dinner in a fine dining establishment about to see which of them can make it to the bottom of the shared oversized Fogcutter by way straw first and the next thing they know a projectile or force-beam of some sort blasts through the plate-glass window providing the atmosphere. Then among the wreckage of broken glass and caterwauling innocent bystanders a supervillain begins to set about speechifying and calling them out for a tussle. Can't they just wait until the unsuspecting hero flies by one night and take advantage of the element of surprise, can they? Is it so much to ask that the spandex set be permitted to enjoy their repast, call a cab afterward to take their mostly drunk butts home and enjoy a little adult intimacy on their night off? What part of having their nose bashed in and being hauled off to be dealt with by the proper authorities the last time they assaulted a hero didn't this creep understand?
Just because a hero has a knack for assuming the responsibility of one-person judge, jury and executioner doesn't mean they don't appreciate getting jiggy with a willing partner once in a while. With the amount of adrenaline upon which most vigilantes thrive being no stranger to their lifestyle, they are entitled to have the same outlets for stress afforded every man. So they're particularly hard on phone booths and they fly around a little boozy on occasion. What's the big deal? There isn't a law in the books against flying under your own power drunk and let's see the FAA enforce it should one be passed anytime soon. Like they would dare to mess with a superpowered being on a bender. With very little effort a high-powered hero could lay waste to everything they hold dear and then some. Not to mention they've saved the collective asses of their hometown more times than anyone can count, so they probably see flaunting the law once in a while to accommodate their private life as an entitlement earned by years of do-goodery in the name of the possibility of a city free of violent crime. They see it as their "propers" as it were. And yet sometimes propers aren't enough. After all, superhumans are human. They too need to know the touch of a caring significant other. They too need someone to keep them grounded in a world and of a people they could easily cause untold damage to should they turn evil. Priorities of a superhero needn't differ from that of regular folk, they just need to be tailored to their lifestyle.
Then there is the whole time allotment issue. Where do they draw the line of priority? How does an army of one triage the many simultaneous problems occurring at any given time and decide which one to attend to immediately and which to save for another hero's plate? Are they ever off duty? Is the power of superspeed possessed by the heavy hitters enough to tend to a problem in the middle of a date without said date noticing they've been gone or does the call of duty mean having to excuse themselves umpteen times during an evening out on the town to catch purse-snatchers, subvert the imminent threat of attacking aliens and the like? Do they know a moments peace? Is there an accounting for the personal sacrifices ceded to what they see is their responsibility to protect the populace? What is the payoff for all of their hard work if they never have time to enjoy the limelight and all that it affords the famous? Think about it. In the grand scheme of things, superheroes must certainly rank above movie and rock stars, top athletes and certainly politicians on the public admiration scale. The perks awarded the latter professions are among the most seductive available. Power, sex and money are only the most advertised of these. There is access to things in life that only the magnetism of celebrity can unearth, simply because an admirer or hanger-on of theirs may wish to be the one to share it with them or expose them to it. The cult of personality opens a lot of doors, wallets, legs and windows of opportunity not otherwise available to the average person. There is probably even a silent pecking order for perk distribution. A certain level of fame begets a certain standard, or class of entitlement in the sporting and entertainment fields (i.e.: curious how rich men always seem to find their "soul mate" in beautiful women and vice versa), so the standard established for superheroes must be quite something indeed. Supermodels only need apply for superheroes if the echelons of fame are relatively applied, because there probably isn't a profession on the planet that doubles as an aphrodisiac like superheroing. Look at the ladies Ben Affleck and Tobey Maguire date…and they only play superheroes. Being one must certainly entice eligible singles on a world class social scale as well. Although if they're smart, heroes hook up with other superpowered beings for lasting companionship. As long as they stick to those on the same power scale. One rule I live by is that I never date girls that can kick my butt, so as attractive as she is, dating Diana Prince should probably be left to someone from her power strata. Like, say…Warbird (it's my column and my imagination and girl-on-girl action is where it is currently leading me, so there you go). Mortals like Batman and Hawkeye are just too fragile and subject to various threats superhumans need merely shrug off.
Maintaining any kind of romantic relationship with a civilian likely presents its own set of problems aside from the obvious difficulties involving time allotment and threats to their life being made should their relationship with a hero be discovered by said hero's enemies. For example, how does a someone who can turn diamonds to coal check his power at the door and not accidentally maim or seriously injure a non-powered paramour during an instance of the loss of muscle control which often accompanies sexual climax? What if they do something seemingly harmless like thrash around in their sleep? A little nudge from a bedroom co-pilot never hurt anybody when delivered by an average person, but an unchecked nudge from a being able to hurl passenger liners around may result in loss of life. Just as threatening may be the curiosity inspired by hearing a superbeing talk during slumber. The level of wonder and excitement they would already bring to the equation is intriguing enough and to hear them rattle off some of their deepest fears and secrets during a nights' slumber would certainly add to their lovers' value as a source of information. The longer a civilian stays involved with a superhero the greater the likelihood of being used as bait in some evildoer's crackpot scheme.
If things get serious between a superpowered crimefighter and a civilian, the smartest recourse for the civilian - from a safety standpoint anyway - may be to see if they can hook up with a top scientific mind like Reed Richards and inquire as to whether or not he can use his wizardry to come up with some method of imbuing the average person with powers of their own. That, or at least come up with an exo-skeleton or invulnerability suit or something that will permit them to both tag along occasionally and feel some semblance of security when their significant other is out saving the world. The only other ways for a regular old human to become a superpowered hero are through fateful happenstance or destiny, both of which are extremely rare and unreliable.
As long as there are supervillains looking to dominate mankind, the heroes will always be on call and there will be times when they are gone for days and even weeks at a time. Their lives are in constant danger with no end in sight but they do it anyway. A luxury as relatively pedestrian as having someone waiting for them at the end of their heroic excursions may be the finest reward known to those who put their lives in peril against threats of a cosmic scale on a daily basis so that the rest of us will have a little peace on Earth.
