The Lynching Of Brian Pulido

By Buddy Scalera

The mob had already made the noose when Sheriff Smithee arrived. They planned to hang the outlaw at high noon when the sun was hottest.

"Howdy," said the sheriff in a calm, friendly voice. "Someone want to tell me what's going on here?"

Eager Ed stepped forward. "Sheriff, we're gonna lynch us the baddest man in town," he said.

Sheriff Smithee waited. He knew what was coming, but he asked anyway, "who you gonna lynch?"

"The Outlaw Brian Pulido," exclaimed Eager Ed, as the other cowboys cheered.

Sheriff Smithee knew the legend well. Pulido was an outlaw publisher who had recently closed his doors for business. After many years of being profitable, Pulido found himself unable to pay his staff. The fan press was having a field day reporting on Pulido's woes.

"Now hold on, boys," said Sheriff Smithee. "You can't just go an' lynch a man without tryin' him in a court a' law. And nearest I can remember, Brian Pulido ain't been tried yet."

The men were angry. Eager Ed's fury was reflected in every man present. "Pulido is the worst kinda criminal, Sheriff, an' you know it," Eager Ed spat. "He's rustled comics for years now. And cheated a whole lot of family men out of their savings."

Eager Ed handed Sheriff Smithee a long list of names. These were the men who had been cheated by Pulido. The crowd nodded and chatted amongst themselves. Gazing at the list, Sheriff Smithee agreed, "Well, it shore does look that way from out here, don't it, boys?"

"So which of you men here have actually been cheated by The Outlaw Brian Pulido?" Sheriff Smithee asked.

Nobody raised his hand.

"Those men there, Sheriff," Eager Ed said emphatically. "They been cheated. Read the list."

"Yes, I see. But are any of them here?"

Nobody on the list was present. Sheriff Smithee held up the list and asked, "Where'd you boys get this list?"

Ed spoke, "I printed it off the message boards on a website. It was posted by someone named Plunger_Ream_69@hotmail.com."

Sheriff Smithee nodded. He'd seen Plunger_Ream_69's posts as well. Whoever he (or she) was, he sure had a lot to say. It seemed as if Plunger_Ream_69 was everywhere at once. There were, literally, thousands of posts by him on every message board related to comics.

Plunger_Ream_69 had the uncanny ability to be the first post on every new thread. He proudly proclaimed. "I'm the first post!" But that wasn't his only talent. Plunger_Ream_69 could stop a conversation dead in its tracks. No matter how intelligent or stimulating, Plunger_Ream_69 managed to bring the message board thread to a halt. His relentless posts of "You suk" and "This is stoopid" could silence any intelligent discussion. Plunger_Ream_69 was a force to be reckoned with.

"So let me get this straight, boys. Yer all going down to Chaos! Street to lynch The Outlaw Brian Pulido based on posts made by Plunger_Ream_69?" asked Sheriff Smithee.

The men began to answer, but Sheriff Smithee continued. "And no man here has been personally swindled by Pulido… and there's a good chance that none of you personally know anyone who has been swindled by him."

The men looked around. Nobody could say they knew anyone personally cheated by The Outlaw Brian Pulido. "But the posts…" Eager Ed pleaded. "It's all over the web what he's done…."

Sheriff lit a cigarillo. "Any chance that you fellas want to rethink this? After all, do you know for a fact that Plunger_Ream_69's information is correct? Alls I'm sayin' is that he might not have the whole story."

Eager Ed got wildly angry and shouted, "I-I saw a news story on it! A guy said he got screwed outta money by Brian Pulido. If it ain't true, why'd Pulido file for Chapter 7?!? Huh? Tell me!"

The Sheriff got quiet. "Any of you know what Chapter 7 means?"

Nobody did.

Then he asked, "Any of you bother to do research on this?"

One man spoke up. It was Massive Mike. "I read a column one of the sites that said The Outlaw Brian Pulido was very bad. It was by a fan who is really funny sometimes when he does comic book reviews. I think he is sending in X-Men proposals to Marvel to try to write comics. Or something."

Sheriff Smithee gently took the noose from Eager Ed. "It's kind of a nice day out today, boys. Don't you think you should be inside on your computer? After all, you can get in a few hundred posts on the message boards today, 'specially if most people are out enjoying the good weather."

The men looked around and shuffled their feet. Sheriff Smithee was right. If they weren't at their computers, none of them could be the first post on a new message thread.

Suddenly it was a frenzied race to get back to the corral. The men were fired up and heading straight for their computers. Dust and pebbles swirled wildly in their mad dash.

The Outlaw Brian Pulido wasn't safe, but thanks to Sheriff Smithee, the man wouldn't be lynched today. But that wasn't the Sheriff to decide, that would be for the courts.

Sheriff Smithee looked out at the mob as it receded into the distance. The day was young and he had people to protect. And he thought about the guys who masterminded the Spider Clone Saga.

Then again, maybe the noose wouldn't go to waste.

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ABOUT THE WRITER
Buddy Scalera is no outlaw, but he is a son-in-law.

Visit http://www.buddyscalera.com